be happy on my own..not having to rely on someone else for happiness

i think you need other ppl when you’re stressed. when you feel like you’ve lost all control, a nice vent session can always make you feel better. i’ve lost that. when i call…. all i get are rings. and it’s not just the same number. i feel so alone right now. and i dont like hanging out with the fat ugly girl. i know my friends have issues too. and i feel guilty that i get upset that i cant call or when i do they dont answer or they never call back. i didnt think that me being here would ruin all of my friendships but that’s exactly what it’s done. and i’m not cool enough to make any new ones…. makes u think what the whole point of all this is…

maybe its not that i dont want to be without him. maybe its because i think im only good enough for him. problem with that is that i dont even think im good enough for him.

a friend came over and hung out with me and him and somehow we got on the topic of being ok alone. she asked me if i thought i was okay alone. i couldnt answer that because i dont feel okay without him. so say… he wasnt in the picture at all. for sure. i dont really want to be bothered with a relationship. but because he is there and things are better (although i’m back in new york im sure they will get shitty again) its difficult to imagine life without him. i confide in him more than anyone and feel the most like myself with him. i rely on him to help me be okay. and that’s not good. right??

i’m in a hole…....... and i need to get out but all i can do is think of ways other ppl can help me out, not get out myself….

i think this is one of the most difficult things i will have to do. i have a very limited amount of ppl that i associate with at the moment because i feel betrayed by so many of them. i feel like there were ppl who wanted to associate with me for the wrong reasons. i am comfortable with the ppl i keep close to me. there is only one that i am worried about because i dont really know him. everyone has asked if we’re “dating” and i dont know what to call it. not that. i’m just so cautious with any male that comes into my life – even if they are just a friend. i’m afraid of liking someone too much and falling into my usual cycle.

i was in a horrible mood last night and this morning because of a shitty friend. i was in a wonderful mood yesterday because of a guy who looked at me like i should be in a museum- who told me i was perfect and the most interesting person he’s ever met – who was at a loss of words, he could only say “wow” and it wasnt cuz i was sucking his dick. i felt bad the day before that because i was told i should have sex with a certain person and it made me feel like that was all i was good for. there’s a pattern here: i let other ppl rule how i feel. there was a woman i worked with that asked me how i was one day and i told her that i was having a shitty day. she said that it was my own fault because i LET things and ppl make me feel like shit. it’s easy to say that u shouldnt LET it. i wonder if there are some exercises somewhere that help u learn how to not let them?