manage my Bipolar disorder

I’ve been working hard since last week to turn myself around. I’ve been working with my fiancee to sort stuff out between us, working with my friend to figure out what I’ve done and how I can fix it, working with my therapist to solve some of my overall problems, and although i can see progress, between you, me and the lamp post, it’s getting pretty hard, constantly self examining, talking about all the things I do wrong, all the things I say that are wrong, all the things I cant manage, I’m wondering how I managed in life thus far!!

Constantly going over your faults is pretty tough. Oh well, if the end justifies the means, then its worth it. Right now I’m feeling pretty useless though.

Sometimes there are just times where you get depressed, and I have a hard time aknowledging that. Its coming up to fathers day, my most hated day of the year, because all everyone talks about is dads, and now I’ve met mine, its alot harder to pretend I dont care that he’s not around. I like to spend the day by myself, focusing on me and what I am without him, only this year my fiancee has organised for us to go away with his family and celebrate with his dad.

I love his Dad, he’s a wonderful man, but spending happy family time is so far from what I want to be doing.

To top off a wonderful week, where my grandma had a small mental breakdown, one of my best friends went back on heroin after 3 years of being clean and financial pressures have been pushing down on my head, my best friend sent me a text saying I have been pissing her off lately. Yay. The weirdest thing is that everytime I talk to her at the moment I go away feeling like I cant do anything right…everything i say and do feelis like the wrong thing, and now this confirms it, it has all been wrong. Someone once called me a second rate friend, and I guess thats what I am. I’ve never had enough real friends to know how to do it properly, and now I’ve fucked up the best friendship I’ve ever had. The worst thing is, this is the second time I’ve done that.

So here I am, slipping down in to the dark again. I can keep taking their pills, but the pills cant stop shitty things happening, they just prolong the inevitable. I can see it all happening, spiralling down further and further, until I hit the bottom again. And this stupid job i have lets me sit and do nothing all day but think about how stupid I am. How much I’ve failed all the people around me, and continue to do so. I cant seem to keep anything in control, and I feel like I’m watching it all unravel from above.

I just wanted to log that, although the last week has been tough, I got through it, without any visible “battle scars” so to speak. I managed to hold myself together, had a mini spending spree (ppl with bi-polar understand what that means) but thankfully not to much damage was done.

So thusly the Bi-Polar remains managed, in part thanks to a cathartic 43things post!

I have to admit, for the last few months the fact I even have an illness has been a blip in the back of my mind. I’ve been doing really well…eating better, keeping the money stuff sorted, I’ve been myself. I’ve managed my life well, I think, and it’s all been going okay.

Then yesterday, well, the last few days, I had one of those days where the world sort of just crashes round your feet, and everything you trusted seems so false. A long time ago I stopped trusting people fully, because so many people I trusted and relied on hurt me, let me down and lied to me, an in a nutshell, that happened again.

I dont want this incident to be what breaks me, but i can already feel it, I’m getting sucked down in to the rabbit hole, Im confused, uncertain, and, hounestly, a little sleepy.

I’ve done so much this year that I never thought possible. I’ve reconnected with old friends I thought I’d lost, I’ve worked hard on shaping myself into the person I want to be, I dont want to let myself or my stupid chemically inbalanced brain screw it all.

Goodness i’ve written alot. Maybe its cathartic, or maybe I’m just really pissed off. Oh well. As long as this is my tale, and not a tale of despair for others, as I believe in most circumstances this is 100% manageble, and has been for me. This is just abnormal circumstances

I used to love vampire movies.

Then the symptoms of my mental illness got worse, and anything violent, dark or bloody sent me into a bit of a state.

Well I’m happy to report that on the weekend He and I had a big movie fest, including Underworld Evolution and Shaun of the Dead, plus a heap of comic book movies (batman, spiderman etc) I even went to see the DaVinci code and didnt get scared. I must be getting there, I’m starting to love all the things I used to, music, movies etc.

The strangest thing is occurring…as i get my goals in order, figure out what i want out of life and get sorted, i’m having less ups and downs, freakouts and issues with my stability.

Could 43 Things be the unknown cure for Bipolar Disorder??

I’ve found that since i’ve been attempting the other things on my 43 things list, everything else seems to be falling in to place as far as not having any major mood swings etc. i’ve been more relaxed, happier and getting more sleep, eating better, and now my moods been pretty stable! Who knows how long it will last, but quite frankly, who the hell cares??