deal properly with my mom dying

to see my therapist..its been a while.
i dont really know how i feel right now.
i mean it helped but not really..i think i was expecting something miraculous to happen..like everything would be fixed right away. but obviously thats unrealistic.

ugh. im all over the place.
and going there even confirmed it more.
but no solution..

my therapist called back.
we are going to meet sometime this week either at her office or just for lunch.i just have to call her today.

Also, there is this memorial thing at this grieving group that my stepdad goes to..i think thats what its for anyways..and he really wants my sister and i to go..soo i think im going to go.

my goal was to call my therapist by the end of the week to finally set up an appointment..
and of course its saturday and im finally doing it..
i procrastinate..but oh well..
i called and left a message.
hopefully she calls me back today!

i miss her alot lately..
things are so different.
some days it hits me more than others.
sometimes it seems like july was years ago..
and other times it feels like just yesterday.
its been a little over 7 months..
and im not sure how i should be feeling..

i need to call my therapist and set up an appointment.
im going to give myself until the end of next week to do this.
that should be a reasonable amount of time for me to get the courage as well as the motivation to do it.
i really need to deal with this.
i cant keep pushing it away.

so..everyone…bug me about this until next week!

i was talking to my friend tom on the phone..i felt so overwhelmed and lost. and suddenly before i knew it (with his encouragement) i started from the very beginning of when my mom got sick and just went up until now..and i told everything..i cried so hard..i told him how i felt at all different points of everything..and i just let everything that ive been keeping in since she died out..
it was refreshing..it was exactly what i needed. and i am so thankful that he is such a great friend that he would listen to me.

its a step in the right direction..

im home now for christmas break..
it kills me everytime i come home.
i still cant believe shes gone..
over this break i really need to come to terms with her death so that im not so all over the place while im at school.
i need to let myself deal with it and properly grieve.

really really considering going to counseling again.
i need to work through this.
and its not happening at all.
i keep having these random mental breakdowns..
and its not healthy.
i need to be dealing with this.
not ignoring it.

you think things cant get worse.
and then somehow they do.
i mean..im doing pretty well.
it was hard to come back to school.
just because i was a whole different person.
good and bad.
but like a day or so before i came back to school..
one of the nurses that used to take care of my mom has been hanging around alot and cleaning our house for extra money..
and well i always thought she had a thing for my stepdad..but i never thought she would be so disrespectful..
and so she was at my house drinking with him
and then the next thing i know its like 1 am and theres a tent in the backyard and both her and my stepdad were in it.
it was the most sickening feeling ive ever had.
it hadnt even been 2 months.
and now apparently they are official dating.
the worst part about it is that she is a lowlife..
and im not saying that because im bitter.
he is way too good for her.

i mean..i understand that hes going to eventually date.
and i understand that hes probably lonely.
but first of all dont parade it around my house..
in front of my sister and i.
and dont tell me that you have feelings for her when im not even dealing with all this because its only been a month and a half.
and hell..at least have some dignity and not pick up the most desperate woman out there.

i feel sick.

you know..when you think are doing better..
it hits you like a cement truck.
and you are back to where you started.
scattered and splintered pieces of you all over the place
blown far away by the wind.

yeah. thats what i feel like.

it hits me sometimes so much..i miss her.
i wrote this about 2 weeks or so..
and i thought id share..
to show you kinda what its like for me.

i have so much to say .but the faint sound of the keyboard combined with the confusion in my head just complicates everything. past and present don’t mix well and tonight, as i sit dreaming I was underneath cosmic city lights, the two blurred together.

i spent the morning feeling a myriad of emotions but the most haunting of them all was the feeling i got as i was flipping through old photographs and different things of my mom’s. i morphed into a scared, helpless little girl who cried for her mother to come back, as if she was just at the grocery store picking up milk for my lucky charms, and let the cold, hard floor be my only comfort. i let myself cry.( its only natural i suppose. after all its only been a little over a month.) i then gathered these objects of my regression & put them back in the closet. i emerged the “strong”, independent 20 year old that im supposed to be and got ready for work . a truly clark kent/superman-esque transformation. except im not saving people. im just trying to save myself.

i dont know what i need.
but i do know some things.
i need joy back in my life.
i need to rebuild all the friendships that i have single handedly destroyed in my sadness/anger/confusion etc. etc.
i need to talk to someone about it.
i need to be me again.