forgive my father

I honestly didn’t think this would happen. I didn’t think that I’d ever let myself forgive him for hurting me like he did (and that’s what it was after a certain point- I wouldn’t let myself forgive him). But today, I was talking to him for a bit and I realized some things. I had forgiven him. It was too hard to keep hating him and being mad, so somewhere along the way I forgave him. I couldn’t not. And in talking to him, I realized that although I will probably never be able to love him as a father figure again, I am starting to love him as an important person in my life. Starting. Not there yet, but it’s in the works.

I’m going to dinner with him tomorrow night… I don’t know how it’s going to go. I don’t feel like I’m up for it though.

I was thinking today, which can be dangerous, about my dad. As I was thinking about him, I got so filled up with this anger at him for all he’s done. Then, these Bible verses I learned as a kid (and later again last year) popped into my head. It’s Ephesians 4:26-32

26”In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold. 28He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.
29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Boy, did that make me take a closer look. I mean, well, I’m not sure quite how to say it, so that’s enough for right now and maybe I’ll get some thoughts together, and maybe you will and let me know what you think.

and I really want to… I think I have, then he calls me again. I lasted almost 7 minutes last night before I hung up on him. I need him to be my dad, I’ve got enough people against me already, can’t he just support me? Why does he always have to tear me down? Why do I have to endure the endless “you’re not good enough, you’re a lazy bum and won’t do anything. I don’t need anyone else telling me that I’m a loser, especially not my dad. I babysit my youth pastor’s kids a lot and I get so jealous whenever I see him with them… it’s not fair… I want that kind of dad, why can’t I have someone who loves me and knows how to show it? Why do I have to have a dad who can’t stop telling me what a failure I am, even when I’m trying to get things right? I really am trying to forgive him for everything he’s done in the past, it’s just hard to have to keep forgiving him all the time.