overcome my fears

tomorrow I’m going to tell someone I know that I like him. Granted, I know nothing will come of it as I’m moving on Monday and will likely never see him again, but I have always been too afraid of the possible reactions to tell someone how I feel if they haven’t told me first.

will be the first time I’m going to the doctor in over two years. I’m afraid of being told I need to rest and stay home, and I’m also afraid of what it’s going to cost me seeing as how I have no insurance. However, the fear of having strep is more than those, so it’s off to the doctor I go… of course, I begged my mom to come with me and she and my stepdad are rearranging their schedules to accommodate. I really am a big baby when it comes to being sick, much as I like to think I’m fairly independant.

I’m going to be on staff at a Christian summer camp for two weeks starting tomorrow and it will be strengthening me by fighting my fears. Fear of public speaking: lead a class period each day AND lead the skits for a week. Fear of being looked down on: stand out with what makes me me. Fear of tusting others: well, I’ll be surrounded by my surrogate family, so that’s not an issue except with the campers and it’s more about them trusting me than the other way around. Fear of failure: let God be in charge of what I do and say.

I have a lot of fears that have dictated how I’ve lived my life the past few years. I’m afraid of being rejected, so I left before it could happen. I’m afraid to trust because I’ve been hurt before. I’m afraid of not being in control (when I’m in control, even if things go badly, I can still rely on me). I’m afraid of being vulnerable. I’m afraid of being ignored. I’m afraid of being used. I’m afraid of not becoming anything worthwhile.
So. I’m going to trust God. I’m going to start being a real friend. I’m going to be myself. I’m going to FIND myself. I’m going to let God be incontrol and not take the reins again. I’m going to finish my GED. I’m going to go to college. I’m going to do something, and be someone I can be proud of.