get and maintain a firmer hold on my emotions

I kinda flippin’ hate anxiety.

I almost had a total meltdown/breakdown today. Almost. Instead… I took a shower, cried a few tears, took a pill, told myself that it was just an emotion and emotions don’t kill you, BREATHED, talked to my sisters, then went out and spend a nice night with my family. The situation hasn’t changed, and I feel the panic rising and bubbling up when I dwell on it (which I am all too good at) but so far so good… no crazy all out cry yourself to sleep panic attack. It’s still REALLY hard to deal with and it’s regarding one of my biggest triggers… and one of my biggest dreams. But I think I can live through this.

I hope I hope I hope I hope I hope.

Man, writing this has make me anxious… need to think about something else. Anyone want to take my mind off of this? Help?

Having a bit of an ^up and _down day.

days.

Maybe it’s the weather, maybe…

good days and bad days. And like my favorite movie says, “sometimes ups outnumber the downs…” but not yesterday. I am not ashamed to say that I have had issues with depression and anxiety. I, have fought and won – come out on top, many times. I refused to let it win. I am so grateful for my baby twins. Those two little sweet things are my “why” They are why I will continue to fight… I WILL NOT LET these moods take me. I will do what needs to be done. But, that said, when I am down in the deep I do not feel as if tomorrow is there. The sun and everything bright are dead. But… I look at my girls,

and I keep fighting

“I honestly don’t remember a time in my life before depression. Depression is more than just feeling down about life. Even when things were going incredibly well, there were days when I couldn’t feel happy, when I couldn’t get out of bed. I had good days, yes. They where unpredictable. Still are. Depression is more than a mental thing too. There are physical side effects: stomachaches, headaches, sore muscles, extreme trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, etc.

I met my husband almost three years ago at what might be one of the lowest points in my life. Despite my struggle, he fell in love with me and married me. He saw something in me that I was unable to see in myself. Our marriage has been wonderful, but not without its challenges. There must be opposition in all things. In order for the joys to be joyful, there must be sorrows and difficulties to contrast against them.

My husband and I are both a mix of Ben and Grace (Characters from a play my brother was in, my brother Will was Ben). Their disagreements are realistic. I have been scared that I am holding my husband back because the way I experience the world is different. I have wondered if he would still love me if I didn’t have depression because he’s never known that version of me.

Chronic fatigue syndrome (what the character Ben suffers from in the play) and depression are not the same thing. People dealing with CFS often deal with depression, though the two are not synonymous. But my own struggle with depression served as a lens through which I could understand Ben and Grace and help to bring them to life.

I never know what would’ve happened if I didn’t have depression. I don’t know what would’ve happened if Ben didn’t have CFS. These people’s stories are different from my own, but from them I’ve learned that, regardless of if they day is good or bad, each day is a gift. Without the good, we cannot know the bad. And while we may not know what would have happened, we can choose a happily ever after one day at a time.” Landon Wheeler -Director

This was “From the Director” and was in the playbill from Standing Still Standing. A play that my brother was in and really wanted me to see. I got to tonight and I read this before the play started. I could have written some of this word for word… Word for word.

And I guess that this does fit under this goal. I have had depression and anxiety all my life but it didn’t really show up till I met Joshua. The first year of our marriage was hell sometimes. I could do nothing but stay in bed. My heart was breaking because I had married this wonderful man, but I wasn’t happy. Why wasn’t I happy? That’s when I started distrusting my emotions. They where all out of whack. Things are so much better now, so much calmer. And my marriage is wonderful, has been from the start. I am so lucky, I can’t even tell you, “Despite my struggle, he fell in love with me and married me. He saw something in me that I was unable to see in myself.” But my emotions still betray me from time to time. I wish I could just snatch up those little buggers and tell them to sit still!

Any advice? Have any of you gone through something similar? I believe strongly in learning for others and reaching out. So, what can I learn… I’m reaching…

Photo is of my bro and his stage wife