stop crying

dam stress and dam hormones and dam ex….

dam it all to hell. it’ll pass it’ll pass…just keep gritting your teeth and plodding along…try and stop stressing bout the fact you still haven’t found anywhere to live.

there is no reason to be feeling like this is there?? surely not…it must be stress, hormones and insanely annoying ex…

at least the kids are in bed, just as well huh…

...according to my counsellor, whom i saw this morning…

“Less drinking, more crying…..and ring people when you feel sad…”

sick of this….WHY more crying??? isn’t two years of it enough???

it’s been a good while since i cut….i don’t want to be that sad, sad enough to go there again….:(

there is no earthly reason for this:

my house is a pigsty, i have an extra child staying (that’s 5 kids total), my ex is being a prick…i’m running out of money to live on, i’m nearly homeless…lalalala….

but today i’m happy…don’t understand why, maybe the bludy Prozac is kicking in, maybe it’s cos i’ve had my guy and my good mate supporting me along the way today…ah who cares???

I’m in a good mood, i’m not crying, i even managed to hang some washing out for the first time in a bludy week lol….wooo hoooo maybe i’ll even do the dishes next…this morning i even got up at 6.00am and put 3 weeks worth of rubbish and recycling out….(gasp!! lol)...

there is no rhyme or reason to any dam thing right now, so i’ll just go with it….kids are happy too, so even better….

fingers x’d this mood holds a bit longer…..:D

mostly getting better but it’s not even at day by day yet, it’s more like hour by bludy hour….thank the Lord for big sunglasses in the daytime and kids in bed in the nighttime…

surely things will start to settle down soon…or maybe it’s just the stress of being almost homeless lol…:(

it’s time to go to bed, another thing is the tired factor has gone up a lot of notches….trying my best to get some stuff done, it’s all just too hard today, but tomorrow IS another day…at least i finally took the bludy kids library books back, just in time to avoid debt collection…:( crap…

big helps today: a good mate phoned me out of the blue, thought she wasn’t talking to me anymore cos i haven’t rung her for weeks…but she doesn’t care about that, she actually told me i should phone her MORE, but she meant at 3am when i’m upset…awwww….true mates like that help no end…

....and my guy texting me today, a lot, just to see how i’m doing, threw in a few jokes….then said he missed me which made me go AWWW SHUDDUP or i’ll start crying again…lol…sigh, i haven’t even got PMS, wtf is WRONG with me???

fingers x’d it settles soon….still shaking as well, dunno what is up with that…dam…

today will be better than yesterday…

i’m not going to cry today…at all

yesterday was rough, but the days i see my councillor often are like that…

today will be better…

still feel like crying but i’m going to fight it….

...how long is this dam goal going to take…

tonight i have to have a conversation with someone i really, really care about…and it isn’t going to be good :( he’s pissed off someone else in my family…he made a mistake, and she doesn’t want him back in her house….i don’t know what the hell to do about it….she’s forgiven me for the crap i gave her…but she won’t forgive him…

she said he is a bad influence on me and he ISN’T looking after me….but she is wrong about that…if bad things happen cos i do bad things, then i still have the choice NOT to do that….it’s not his fault, and it’s not his problem, if i cannot handle my alcohol or do other stupid things…:(

the last week has been complete crap…but i brought it on myself…

i’m worried about how i feel at the moment, i’m doing stupid stuff that isn’t helping me and i know it isn’t…

then when i come home i don’t want to do anything…i get on here…or i walk round picking stuff up and putting it down…and doing nothing…

or i drive around crying…

thank god my kids are with their Dad this week…

it’s all a bit much and i don’t know what the hell to do next at the moment, there are thousands of things i should be doing and i just am not getting on top of any of them…:(

am together enough at other people’s houses, took 3 kids (not mine) to school today for a friend who is overseas, babysitting the youngest one for most of today…(so that’s enough to keep me holding it together, won’t be crying while she is here….she is colouring in and chattering to me, she’s had an iceblock or 3, her lunch….)

did my mates dishes, hung out her washing, made the beds…

why the hell can’t i do that at my place????? :(

Went back to the doctor today…told him a leetle bit of how i am feeling, that’s it’s all too much, i can’t keep on top of my housework….my bills….any of it…can’t even be bothered to eat properly or have a shower, the only thing i do right is make sure the kids are up, fed, dressed and get to school on time (by the skin of our teeth lately…)

he took me right off the citalopram…for the next 5 days i take nothing at all, then i start on fluoxetine (prozac), 1 a day…possibly 2 a day later, but we start with one…he said that 2 citalopram is about the highest dose he wants to give me, and the way i’m feeling, going up to 3 wouldn’t help at all…

boy…didn’t think he would do that, so kind of relieved…just got my fingers crossed it is gonna help, can’t go on like this…

he gave me another bludy Becks sheet too, and told me to come back in 10 days if i don’t feel any better…

did tell a small lie though, he asked me if i’d been drinking any, and i said “only with other people”...HAH i’m depressed, not stupid….

I’m looking at you through the glass…
Don’t know how much time has passed
Oh god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget.. you don’t expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes
Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You cant expect a bit of hope
And while your outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what your staring at is me

Cause I’m looking at you through the glass…
Don’t know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

How much is real? So much to question
An epidemic of the mannequins
Contaminating everything
When thought came from the heart
It never did right from the start
Just listen to the noises
(No more sad voices)
Before you tell yourself
Its just a different scene
Remember its just different from what you’ve seen

I’m looking at you through the glass…
Don’t know how much time has passed
And all I know is that it feels like forever
When no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

And it’s the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you
And it’s the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah

I’m looking at you through the glass…
Don’t know how much time has passed
Oh god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head

Cause I’m looking at you through the glass…
Don’t know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
feels like home, sitting all alone inside your heaaaaddd

And it’s the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you.. yeah-ah
And it’s the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah

And it’s the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That shine for you.. yeah-ah
And it’s the starrrssss
The sttarrrsss
That lie to you.. yeah-ah yeah

Ohhhoh when the starrs
Ohhh oh when the starrrrs that liieee

...my daughters just cleaned their room as a surprise and were so happy about it…and all i could do was stand there and cry…i told em it was cos i was so happy…liar...then my daughter said “you can be normal happy now Mummy”....i hate being like this in front of them:(

wtf is the matter with me….that was a GOOD thing!!!!

:( for fecks sake….wish i could snap out of it, feel like i’ve gone backwards….