Beat my depression

My uni experience so far has been a combination of stressful work deadlines (as I expected), sitting around watching tv/listening to music by myself, and alcohol-fuelled social gatherings (I’m getting better at these).

The housemate situation is driving me insane. Two of them move my stuff without asking, leave me bitchy notes instead of doing the grown-up thing…actually talking to me about things and avoid me as much as possible among other things. It takes all my willpower not to tear them a new one when I see them. The others are alright but often when I go out to clubs etc with one in particular (and a group obv) I’ll turn away for a second, turn back, and he’ll be making out with girls from his course, leaving me feeling like crap (which is normally when I slip out and go home alone, fists clenched etc the whole way).

But since this new term began I’ve sort of become part of a number of social groups which is really nice, I almost feel like I belong for once. When I go out with one group of people, I always see other friends there too. And of course the alcohol helps me to relax around people too :D .

So really it’s been a fairly typical uni experience (minus the rage). I’m starting to feel better and more confident within myself and I’m being more assertive too. A friend of mine is in the Christian Union so I’m planning to start going to that with her each week which will hopefully help me socialise further and strengthen my faith too. To anyone that’s bothered to read this far thankyou, and I’m sorry it’s such an essay, I just had to put my thoughts somewhere.

Seriously, it’s like everything I try goes to hell and leaves me drowning. I’m still only part the way through my first semester and already I’m starting to have doubts about whether I can cope with all this. I’m out of optimism, motivation, and clean clothes, and I’ve barely begun the real work (which is already too much to handle). I’ve also looked at my timetable for next semester and it’s even more grim than my current timetable whilst other people seem to only have a fraction of what I’m having to do, which I guess is just my luck. I’ve got a full essay with all the referencing etc, which hasn’t been adequately explained to us, for monday. I’ve got 3 weeks left before christmas into which I’ve got to cram a frankly absurd amount of work into, and what do I get out of it? Just a third of my year’s total marks, towards a degree that I’m losing interest in with every passing lecture, just great. Maybe I’m just feeling a bit out of my depth because it’s all new to me and I’m feeling kind of isolated but if this is all university has in store for me, I’m not sure I want to be here.

I’ve had some really great moments here where I’ve been truly happy, most of them alcohol induced, but for the most part this has been pretty hard-going. I’ve yet to get used to looking after myself properly (I don’t always eat properly at weekends when I often lack the energy to go out to the shops etc), the workload’s increased exponentially faster than I can get a grip on it, and I’ve been home just once so far (compared to every few weeks like everyone else). I’ve really been making an effort to keep on top of my depression-related feelings by doing moderate exercise, eating fairly healthily and spending time with others but it’s so difficult when all my housemates are the total opposite of me and I haven’t been as sociable as the others so I’ve only made one or two friends outside my house (and the neighbours’). I feel like I’m starting to slide back again, and I’m not sure what else I can do (apart from joining societies and clubs, I’ll do that over christmas).

Earlier today I opened up to one of my housemates. Whether it was a good move or not I don’t know yet, but unlike the others I’ve tried to explain it all to, she sat there and listened without getting impatient with me for being negative and not just doing things like everyone else. It was nice having someone actually listen and understand (she had a friend back home who was suicidal), it was something not even my own parents could do. And now she knows why I’ve been a bit awkward and uncertain about the whole social scene etc, why I never get hammered with everyone else, and why my demeanour is rather more dark and cynical than other peoples’.

I also bought some Bio-oil last week and have begun to use it on the scars. Does anyone know if it actually works?

My degree course starts on monday, I moved into my house with 2 guys and 2 girls on friday, and I’m already pretty sick of it. I enjoy the evenings as we always go out or have people round and once I’ve had a few pints I really enjoy spending time with those people, but when I wake up in the morning my room feels like a prison cell. I’ve really tried to make the effort to be sociable, to go out and talk to total strangers in the clubs and bars as well as those on my course but I’m so exhausted of it all. My roommates go about being sociable with such ease compared to me and I just wonder why I bother because I very rarely get anything back. This was supposed to be the perfect fresh start I’ve been waiting for for years, but maybe I just wasn’t ready for all this. Maybe university wasn’t the right move for me, I know I’m supposed to be there to study but it’s no place for a natural loner.

3 of the past 4 months have been without a doubt the most stressful of my life:

-I applied for a scholarship, was interviewed and gave a presentation for it, but it ultimately led to nothing.

-I took the most difficult and probably the most important exams of my life, the ones that would decide if I got into university or not (which I did, but I scraped through despite my efforts and only got my insurance choice university). Having said that, my insurance university has a far nicer location and atmosphere (it’s in a small city by the sea, and the people are nicer) so it’s not all doom and gloom.

-I also started learning to drive which has been a thoroughly nerve-wracking experience but is beginning to get easier and less scary with each passing lesson. It’s still scary but now I feel as though I can actually DO it.

I’m booked for a house-hunting event over the next few weeks where I will meet other freshers/freshmen and find a house to rent with a few of them, which has got me worrying but I’ve managed up to now so I’m sure I’ll be okay in the end.

These past few months have been tough, painful, and at times utterly terrifying but somehow, despite my continuing low moods and increasingly frequent moments of realisation at just how alone I am and feel, I’ve survived it all. And I think the prospect of being around other people my own age, and having a actual social life has played a substantial part in achieving that, even if I haven’t been aware of it all the time. There’s always hope, even in times of despair, and it’s an important weapon to have when it comes to fighting depression, for me it’s been a lifeline.

So I’m back to exams in the next few months and I’m under more pressure than ever to get it right. I picked two of my university offers to reply to and have put myself in for those courses.

I'm told by my parents etc that employers and similiar people don't tend to make much of a fuss where you got your degree unless it's from like Cambridge or Oxford but I still desperately want to get into the higher up of my two options so it will be something I can be proud of. Also my preferred university has exchange projects across the world so I could study in Singapore, Ohio, or a number of other places that my other university doesn't offer.

I’m really trying to revise but it’s so difficult to concentrate sometimes and there’s always this doubt I have about getting into the course I want which is incredibly off-putting. It’s now when I realise more than ever, that I needed to go into private education, at least for the last couple of years.

I’ve got my last shot at an assessed practical in chemistry tomorrow, and I HAVE to get it right this time. I can’t afford to screw up and get a B or C again, I need these early marks.

It’s very strange how quickly a person’s mood can change but as much as it can devastate the person in question, it can equally inspire and provide a surge of positive emotion. Yesterday I was talking to one of my classmates at break and he mentioned a number of people who had been kicked out of the school back in September for not getting adequate grades. He also mentioned that they were really struggling to find work or to do anything. For the past two years or so I thought I was doing pretty badly, near the bottom in some of my classes with my current grades and university options looking fairly average so I was reassured immensely. That was re-enforced by talking to another group in maths this morning, where most of them had lower ranking university options than my own and admitted that they weren’t really trying to get good grades. I didn’t say anything at the time but I was brimming with confidence which in itself provided me with another reason to make the effort in school. Why do it? because I can!!! So when I got home I called someone about the project for my university scholarship application that I’ve been putting off for weeks now. I’ll get started on the report this weekend and speak to him again on monday. The other thing is that there’s a small group of my classmates who are using our school’s gym after school twice a week so if I feel up to it I might go with them regularly. That could improve my mood too. I just have to keep moving.

Over the past three days I’ve been doing well. After crashing out due to confronting my parents about the application stuff, they eased up. They stopped constantly talking about it and pressuring me into the other things they want me to do. Since then I haven’t struggled in any of my lessons and I’ve cooked dinner on the past 3 nights, both of these things have given me a fair amount of confidence which is a nice change. The combination of sunny weather and relaxed music, which usually steals all my energy, had little effect. However, just now I was walking back from school with a one of my classmates when suddenly I noticed an old freind of mine from the scout group I used to go to. I smiled as I walked past her and she smiled back, which brought back memories of the summer camps we used to go on. 8 or 9 days of just our group of 12 people, hours from home, without a doubt the happiest I’ve ever been. Those memories drained my energy, I miss those times and that group so much it’s difficult to think about them without my mood plummeting. I lost track of what my classmate was saying as we carried on walking and almost walked into the traffic I was so unfocussed. I hate how my mood can just change in an instant like that.

This half-term “holiday” week has shot by in an instant. There were a number of things I meant to get done and while I’ve done one or two, the majority of them remain untouched. My parents are pushing me so hard to get this report done but none of their efforts have had much effect except they’ve lowered my mood further. Over the past few days, with them so angry at me and all these other things I have to face, suicide’s become a viable option. I’ve never felt so tempted by it before and it’s worrying. Instead of doing all the productive things I’m supposed to be doing I’ve been trying to sit and actually think but my mind is blank, it just doesn’t function. I feel unable to take any course of action and so I remain in this Anxious, stressed, depressed, suicidal and enraged state. I don’t know what to do, how to get out of this in one piece. At this point I’m on the verge of abandoning religion that’s partially kept me going these last few years, I’m that desperate. No one will listen, no one cares and as much as I thought I could handle this alone, I can’t. I want to die but there’s still that small part of me that won’t let go.