control my anger

I’ve been at university for a week now and I’m already more angry than I’ve been in a long time. I thought I could handle being around people 24/7 but it’s driving me insane after just a week in this house with four other people, going out or having people over every night, meeting total strangers and having to make conversation with them all the time. I feel resentment at their ignorance, interest in other people but lack of it in me and at the fact no one seems to share my interests/tastes, to name just a few things. For the past few days I’ve had a burning desire to hit something or someone, which I’ve suppressed and tried to vent through chin ups, long walks, and throwing stones into the sea. Alcohol seems to help but it’s not really a long-term solution. If I can’t make it through just one week, how will I survive the next 9/10 months?

Last week, one of the universities I applied to sent me an email asking me to attend a open day for applicants (and return by email a form with our details for the day, if we needed a parking permit etc). I was in the middle of exam revision and they hadn’t told me if they were going to offer me a place or not so I left it, and planned to get back to it once the exams were over. Anyway, so a few days later, I get another email and a message on my answering machine asking me to reply ASAP. My parents picked up the message on the machine and got angry with me for not telling them sooner. They made it seem like the bad guy, that by not replying I was telling the university that I wasn’t interested in the course. Screw that, screw them and screw the university for forcing me to trudge over there (3 hours by car on just over a week’s notice) without even telling me if I’ve got a place or not. What if I go for the day, then the next day they tell me I haven’t got a place? the whole day would be wasted. And it’s not like it would get me a day off school because it’s a teacher training day at school. It just pisses me off when people do stuff like this and I’m forced into it. AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I started a mechanical maths past paper as part of my revision earlier, I got to about the fourth question in, couldn’t do it. So I moved onto the next one, then the one after that. This is supposed to be the area I’m good at, the area I’m supposed to be studying at university starting in september and I couldn’t even get through a freaking past paper. Struggling with my weaker areas I can handle, but this was too much. In an instant I just threw everything on the desk across the room and I still felt like I was repressing the rage. It’s just so enraging when I can’t even do one of the only things I’m supposed to be good at. I just wish I had something I could smash at a time like that.

Over the past few years but the last month or so especially. I think it’s the combination of the ton of tests and assessments I have to get done before the holidays combined with virtually no time to do it in. I’ve had no time to exercise in the mornings and when I get in at the end of the day I feel so drained I don’t feel like doing any then either. Almost everything in sight (including myself) sends me to boiling point and it gets so difficult to contain so I usually just end up taking out my anger in as controlled means as I can (usually screwing up test papers, throwing stationery or books etc). Hopefully it’ll improve after these exams in january but how can I deal with it long-term?

I’m really struggling to contain myself. At every little justice I just want to explode and be violent and get revenge on whoever has made me feel like this. It’s actually really scary, especially the thought of it continuing later in life when it’ll screw with my blood pressure and might end up killing me.

but how can I remain calm when I go so far out of my way to take into account other peoples’ thoughts and feelings when the people around me don’t even acknowledge the fact that I do that? It’s just insane the number of hypocrites I see in day to day life, myself included (although unlike some people, I’m trying to stop). It just makes you wonder why you bother trying to start a conversation or any consciencious act. I just feel restrained and as though I can’t break free from the monotony surrounding my existence.