Have healthy friendships with whole, healthy people

On January 16, 2013, I felt that my relationship with D…

70% sucks
30% rocks

On January 17, 2013, I felt that my relationship with D…

60% sucks
40% rocks

On January 18, 2013, I feel that my relationship with D…

50% sucks
50% rocks

So, D is my best friend. You’d think that’d be a good relationship. Often I think it is. I hope it is because he’s pretty much the only person who cares enough about me to talk to me more than 20 minutes once a week. But I know that when relationships go sour, I don’t always notice. Maybe I need to start keeping track. At any given time, does it feel like this relationship sucks or rocks?

On January 15, 2013, I feel that my relationship with D…

70% sucks
30% rocks

More later.

“Every time you date someone with an issue that you have to work to ignore, you’re settling.” -Andre Breton (French writer and poet)

I think this applies to more than dating, too.

I find that the vast majority of the time, I think I’ve found someone really special. For a while things are magical, then things get annoying, then IT happens. Usually I get emotionally brutalized; sometimes I get groped, once I got molested, in the case of my most recent romance I got taken for everything I had financially, but no matter what else happens I get crushed emotionally. I have a couple of people left who I trust almost as far as I can throw them but for every one of them there are probably half a dozen “friends” I left behind at some point in my life because the abuse was just too bad.

How do I get to recognize bad relationships before I get in too deep? And more importantly how can I find people who treat me like I’m actually worth something?

I need to remember to ask him about it.

Now that I’ve determined some stuff I want to be true of people in my life, where am I going to find them?

Only new idea I have in mind is to hang out at Quaker centers and other progressive Christian places. I’m not sure where else I’d be likely to find someone on a similar path that bears similar fruit in their lives. It takes a lot to treat people as well as I do…and I’m tired of never getting half as much as I give.

1. does the person have any known mental or psychological problems, or abusive family or childhood story? If yes, go to question 2. If no, go to 3.
2. is the person in a habit of doing anything proactive about their issues? If not, they need to be kept at arm’s length. If yes, go to 3
3. does the person deal effectively with life’s problems, without taking the stress out on others or engaging in out of control displays of emotion? If not, walk away. If so, go on.
4. does the person respect boundaries without whining?
5. does the person respond to others with appropriate empathy? Even movie characters?
6. is the person in a happy, healthy romantic partnership? If not…
7. are they”happy” in a bad our unhealthy lifestyle? If so walk away. If not…
8. are they happily staying single by choice? If so skip the next two questions. If not…
9. are they actively looking for someone? If they want someone but aren’t looking, walk away.
10. if they are looking, do you have any intuition they are looking at you? If so, run away! They do n not want to be friends no matter what they say!
11. are they working? If so do they have career plans they like and are actively working toward? If they aren’t working are they either comfortably retired our looking for work? If they have no plan for a healthy career, something is wrong. Walk away now!
12. do they have hobbies and interests that they engage in frequently?
13. what is their spirituality like?

I think an algorithm might be in order.

1. does the person have an abusive family or childhood story? If yes, go to question 2. If no, go to 3.
2. is the person in a habit of doing anything proactive about their issues? If not, they need to be kept at arm’s length. If yes, go to 3.
3. does the person deal effectively with liens problems, without taking the stress out on others or engaging in out of control displays of emotion?
4. does the person respect boundaries without whining?
   Does the person respond to others with appropriate empathy? Even movie characters?

I was telling her yesterday that I am so tiered of being treated like garbage I could spit. She says it might be because I am surrounded by people with moderate to severe mental problems. They want to do right by me but they are just too ill. She said maybe it’s time to adopt different standards as to who gets to be close in my life -to have criteria to determine who is ready for a real friendship and who is just going to take all I can give and then some without even giving back respect and consideration on a consistent basis. I think I need to try it.