Put down some of my personal baggage and travel more lightly through life

I made the effort to talk to my mum in a deeper way… Initially it didn’t go down too well until I explained what I was trying to do… So many years of crap but talking to someone today made me think that talking to her about things, her life, just finding out about her might make a difference to my life as it is… It really is holding me back… So fingers crossed… She was very defensive but once I explained that I was trying to make things better there was a bit of a light bulb moment for her… I’m shocked that she can’t see that our relationship is just surface, you know, health and weather!!! Got to keep going with this, it feels like the key to lifting the weight that I unintentionally carry…

I truly need the ability to be able to forgive… I don’t want to get to the end of my life, whenever that will be and for this stuff to be still be holding me back and causing suffering… We all stumble and we all make mistakes, I believe that it is never too late to forgive…

I took 11 tablets, deliberately… Even though I knew they would hurt me or possibly even worse, I continued to take them one by one. My brother discovered what I was doing and grabbed the rest and told my mum… I remember being taken to the local children’s hospital and sitting in a room with a doctor who kept asking how many I had taken… Eventually he had 11 and I was sent of to have my stomach pumped… I remember being stripped to my cotton petticoat, laid on a type of table then suddenly a pipe being shoved down my throat followed by fluid… I pulled it out and was screaming but it was reinserted and I was held firm… Why did I do it? I was an unhappy child and I think it may have been an attempt to get away from my mum, who was fairly unhinged at the time… I know now that she could not help her behaviour, she was not strong enough. She gave in to her anger and bitterness at the world and what better place to take it out on than your kids… At 9 years old I couldn’t understand why my mum beat us with such violence, using anything at hand, every punch, kick, pulling of hair getting harder and harder as she let herself go… I couldn’t understand why my mum, my supposed protector would keep us awake at night, threatening to kill us, ‘don’t go to sleep I’m coming up there with the carving knife to stab you to death’,’Ive got the scissors and I going to cut all your hair off, don’t sleep’... Many incidents like this filled our young lives (me and my brother)... I’m sorry if this is heavy but I needed to put it down and actually it is hard to write it as it has brought tears, which surprises me. So now I am 45 years old and obviously the tears prove that I am still affected by childhood. These things I know have caused me not to be able to live my life fully, feel happy, always wary of happiness, lacking trust… Believe me I am not using them as a means to be a victim in life, I am not one and do not ever want to be one. My life and happiness is my own responsibility, no matter what has happened in past… The power to be these things in life is my own… This week I have been really down but it has been okay too, for I know that all that has happened in my life has made me a stronger person, I laugh easily at the absurdities in life and my philosophy helps me to stop taking myself too seriously… Anyway I’m totally waffling now, so I will stop writing… LOL!!! As said just needed to put this down…

When I was a young child I grew up with a mother who was shall we say mentally unwell. Don’t know what else to call it. She would often take her many moods out on myself and my brother mostly in violent ways. Whatever was at hand she would pick it up and use it as a weapon. She would also hurt me mentally too, not talk to me for days, keep me awake all night by threatening me not to sleep as she was going to come into my room and stab me to death. One vivid memory I have is that I used to be scared of the dark (still am really) and she used to get real enjoyment of scaring me more. One time she even came and woke me from sleep whilst she was wearing one of those scary rubber masks. When I confronted her with this years later she said it had been a joke!!! Ha ha ha!!! NOT!!! Those are a few of the many things that happened. Anyway that’s enough of that stuff and where am I going with this? My childhood still holds me back in many ways, it is a slow process to move on and heal from this stuff. I guess this is where my trust issues arise from, as if you don’t feel protected by your parents (my dad never stopped my mum, he wanted a quiet life) and in the family home then it stands to reason that you will struggle to trust in life. However, yes I am still affected but I have also grown from my experiences not always willingly but I do try. You can’t just put this stuff down but you can try to travel more lightly in life by not wearing it as a burden. I have moved on in my life and I hope that I will continue to do so. I am still in contact with my mum, though she no longer has any power in that way, things with her are not easy but that has to be worked through too. Would I be the person that I am today if I had not lived this life? Hard to know, but I do know that you have to move on if you want to have a chance of being happy on this earth. So I will continue to endeavour to keep putting it down… :)

An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.
Mohandas Gandhi

Today I got some pics out of my brother. They were ones when he was a babe and a toddler. He has passed, left in 95, a victim of an assault causing his spleen to be ruptured and death the same night, he was 34 years old. Our childhood was a real mixture, good times and mad times at the mercy of our very unpredictable mum. She was a woman out of control, violent, unpredictable and mentally abusive. I looked at the pics tonight and they brought tears, I couldn’t help but think how life might have been different or the potential that lay ahead of him if not for the upbringing that we had. Instead he grew up angry and emotionally fragile as I due to feeling unprotected by the very people that we should have felt safe and secure with. Our dad just wanted a quiet life so he turned a blind eye. I know that within me, part of my baggage is anger an anger that causes all sorts of problems. If you met me you probably wouldn’t be able to tell, it’s been buried but presently it’s trying to get itself acknowledged and I know that in order to really move on in my life, that’s what I have to do. It is not going to be easy but I do want to progress and move forwards in my life, let go and just be me, painful as it is. I think that I will have to acknowledge that which I have fought hard to keep out of my life, but I am going to let it out slowly and with awareness. I’m not looking to hurt anyone. All will be as it will be but my biggest hope is that I will feel a weight lifted from me, that I will be a happier person and that I will be able to live more fully…

Turn your wounds into wisdom. Oprah Winfrey

The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials. Chinese proverb

If I am honest I often worry what others think about me, even though I do still live my life my own way… Last night out of the blue I suddenly had a very clear moment, I have been through and survived so many things in my life, BIG THINGS and lots of them. I am still standing and I am still in one piece, so why do I care what others think? I try to live responsibly and peacefully on the planet and I do say try as I am by no means perfect… But then who is??? I guess we often use what others think or say about us to measure ourselves, as to what kind of people we are, good or bad… But my moment/realisation last night was so freeing, so so freeing. It was such a powerful realisation that I felt real joy inside and I laughed and I’m still smiling about it because I realise that it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks of me, I’m not perfect as said but I’m ok and I’ve been through a lot of things that other’s haven’t and I’m still here, alive and kicking. Does this make sense??? And does it matter if it doesn’t? ;)

Recall all the good times, they are so much better than the bad times. Bill Zimmerman