be a better girlfriend

i got all mushy over himm,
i fell apart,
i stayed with him,now i need him all over again,
i miss him
i wish he was truly mine,
he did everything he always does,
made me smile,talked to me about
interesting stuff,aggravated me,
talked shit,

i just wish i could be alone,
and be okay with that
start feeding my soul,
not my addictions,

just because i love him,
doesnt mean i have to sobe
over the fact he isnt mine
and he never can hang out with me,
mind over the matter,

forever and ever

we broke up,
awhile back,i dont care,

im so sick of this ,yeah it is some BULLSHIT.
that what his nickname should be,
i think i know what is going on here,he is just wanting
to take a break because there is someone else he wants to
cause some bullshit with or something,

im getting so fucking tired of him doing this to me.
him avoiding me,not calling me,complaining about our
relationship !
what the hell ever,its not my fault.

he is a fucking bullshitter.thats all he is.

OKAY big problem,
mason is going into this ohh im so sad,
we live so far away thing.

and i HATE to see him sad
but there isnt nothing i can do?
ill just stop calling him i guess if
he is so frustrated with the whole
i got my own life i got things i want to do,,
I DONT KNOW,im so confused .

he only lives one county over,,

i really dont know what is going on right now,
today or yesterday was not a very good day,
i think i just try to avoid all stressful things
and worry about other things,im making our problems
too big of a deal.

its not my fault is has been acting weird
or in a bad mood,i dont know.

what can i do? nothing,
just let things pass
and dont stress nothing.

the end,
i love mason,
the end again

i hate this non trusting foundation we have going on,
i know we could be much happier it we put the past behide us.

i love him so dearly,
i hope he really understands that
i know he says its hard too.
i mean the smallest thing as him
talking to some other girl while was
going out hurt me so bad.

sometimes i feel so ashamed i wish i could hide out
from him forever,each day he thinks about it more
and more,i think about how stupid i was.
nothing will EVER make me go back to being
a low life liar..i dont even lie no more.
i find it much easier to not lie then the lie
never lie to your other,nothing in the world
is worth breaking someones heart.
who knows,he might never love me,truly atleast.
i want pure love,what ive always wanted.

dont let stuff bring you down though.
be yourself,learn from your mistakes.
take care of your well being,
like now my main goal is school and working
and being the very best of a girlfriend.
that i know i am,
im funn..and smart.

today has been a very good day,
i woke up really sick feeling with a cold
talk to mason,had to ice cream now i feel better.
keeping myself busy all day long really helps me
be calm and such,
be a good girlfriend rather,
today im going to get a chicken sandwhich which ive been wanting,
going to PT,
going to the gym right after.
then i have to come home and get ready for work.
which this all ties in with my other goals.
connecting all your goals together is very important also.
then the next day i have to go up to the social services place
to get a workers permit thing and bring it to food lion because
well i think im getting another job.
you can read about that in my other entry under job bahahh.
like anyone reads my entrys daily ,yeah right that would be creepy.

BUT all in all i feel really good about myself,
and if anyone doesnt understand how much i care
for mason its a crying shame,i hope he understands.
i love him alot,and i hate when i get all cranky and
bitchy,but thats only human.

the end,

that i should just have all the confidence in the world.
nothing is better than that..or making money,god i lov money
anyways,

if you are confident it makes your boy/girl friend
feel better about their self as well,
so whats the point in bringin yourself down.
i am the shit and i know it.
nothing more but to flush it,so hush it.
hahahah.

timbaland is that muhh thaaa fuckin man.
so he says,

i would love to talk to mason right now ! but,
ohh noo.
stop worring ashley,
your are more interesting then the outer space,
why the fuck would someone want to leave you.
see this isnt so hard.

there is a such thing as over confident though,

i keep buggin,
ughh i wish i could see Mason,is that wrong?
i just need to relax i need to start doing things
on my own now and start really relaxing over some stuff
just do my own thing,worry about doing the right thing.
i think i have a friendship with mason half the time
but then on the other half i have this sexual tention i need
to be up under masons ass 24/7.
i want to change that,, you cant do something like that and
expect everything to be okay,also i know i cant stop
anything in the future from happening.
i know all this,

all i know is that i know how i feel inside i know what i want
i want Mason,i want to be in the most happiest healthiest relationship ever !

my goals:
dont end up with a baby.
dont end up not being able
to trust Mason.
just relax.
dont end up wanting to live
with Mason.that is pretty much pointless.
dont god dang fuck all the time.
be able to do stuff and look back on it.
make sure mason is happy.
support him more often,which i do.
take his advice,dont wine about it.

hah i went to subway tonight,
dang i had funn,felt nicee to go
somewhere with mason mububble lumps.
i had a veggie sub,it was good.i miss eating
alot of veggies mm dang that shit was off the..hu hu hu hook.
anyway,i think i was freakin out again,i blaim myself now
because there isnt no one else to blaim..i guess someone
being around me too long might make them crazy hah.just
look at me,but nawh seriously i had this dumb idea
that i just go to his house but ohhhh no bad idea
just bad bad..which earlier at the time i was “trippin”
off my big ol butt about it,because in my head honestly
i was like oh well he must have something else going on
that i dont know about oh god i dont know why he is lieing
to me what am i going to do,what the hell is up with him,stuff like that..completely uncalled for,but at the time i was
really upset,plus i felt alittle offended.
SUCK IT UP ASHLEY,stop being a big baby,
and stop using internet slang.its not good for you.

so in conclusion,be the best you can be and you will
soon find happiness…thats what i think,no matter what happends.
if you stay true to yourself and be the best you can be
you cant really go wrong with that.its true.
take it as you will,

yes i do love mason,yes i worry too much.
why cant i just expect things are actually
going well right now,take things as they are
not as you think or worry about.if you do that
all the time your bond to never be happy,untill
something really does happen,be happy.
smile be happy,love jesus,peace baby mamma haters.