share what's happening in my life, how I feel about it and what encourages and inspires me

I don’t think I have made one real entry.
part of that has been due to the fact that I have just been so tired and going back to work has taken a lot more out of me then I thought it would, and part of that is due to a few personal problems that I have been going through.
I spent a large chunk of last night and a good part of this morning going over some things … personally and also talking trough then with my dh. I think I have learned as much .. or maybe even more, from reflecting on how I handled the problems … and how differently I would have handled then a year ago
1 there were no thoughts of suicide
2 I didn’t try to stop eating
3 I didn’t try to run ... that might be hard to explain
4 it didn’t last long … because
5 I turned to others for help

growing up with abuse tends to leave life long scares,
but slowly God is healing those wounds as I give myself more and more to Him. It is a process that doesn’t happen overnight
but it is happening … He is faithful

and I am in awe as I watch Him work

Psalms 1:1-3
How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel
of the wicked, or stand in the path of sinners,
or sit in the seat of scoffers!
But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
And in His law he meditates day and night.
he will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water,
Which yields its fruit in its season And its leaf does not wither;
and in whatever he does, he prospers.

my door is safely locked … all three bolts.. and I am still shaking so badly right now I am having trouble typing. I don’t think I will be going outside my room tonight even to get a bite to eat at the restaurant downstairs. I just called security on the couple in the room next door. I could hear them fight .. then I heard things breaking. then came the crying and the pleads from the woman to stop
“don’t Ooo .. Ouch…Please..stop” the quiet moans ..

When security got there, he was mad.
He wouldn’t open the door at first,
wanted to know why….
who called.
they quieted him down…
made him stop …
ask her if she wanted to leave…
she didn’t …
why would she stay …
I would have jumped at that change if someone had given it to me,
but no one ever did.

I’m not sure how I felt when I got off the phone
confused
hurt
worn out
unnerved

I had talked to her twice in the last month and a half, since all my kidney and other problems had started, and since I had a couple of the surgeries anyway. She remembered that I had talked to her… and even that I wasn’t “feeling well at the time” but not that I had been “that” sick or had had to have surgery.

I should expect it by now … she has a selective memory … and the alcohol only increases that.

The hard part is when I have to listen to how much she cares
hahaha .. ok… I know she does as much as she can.
but then comes the …
“I know I was a good mother, because you turned out so well”
... yeah right!! all good mothers leave there kids black and blue and make it necessary for the neighbors to hide them just to keep them safe….
then the topper
“I can tell I was a good mother, because you were a good mother”
.... does she know how many times I had to lock myself in my room or have my dh take the kid to the park just to protect the from what she taught me?? ...

sigh ... yet when I bring that up to her, those thing never happened … I was “punished” for what I deserved

sometime I don’t even want to answer the phone

I’m not even sure where to start with this entry, there is so much to catch up on and I am already worn out.
First I would like to thank those of you that I know are out there keeping me in your prayers…. not only does it mean a lot to me that I know you care, but I also know that God is very real and active in our lives, and I know the power of prayer.
I especially want to thank Gemmword for all she has done, for starting that prayer goal and for keeping everyone informed on what is happening and how I am doing when I wasn’t able to get on and post… especially since she is not doing that much better herself … we’re just two sickies supporting each other; but then, I that’s what this place is all about, one big giant family supporting each other… that’s what makes this the best wed site on the internet!
anyway… here is a link to Gemmword’s goal… I’ll post updates there.
http://www.43things.com/things/view/2113396/keep-flutter-in-our-hearts-and-prayers

I’m running out of fuel, so I’m going to make this quick… here is a brief rundown of all that is going on.
On June 24 I had a fall that, as my Doctor put it. either tore my rotator cup in my shoulder or made it “very angry”
with in a day or so of that happening I started to have intense kidney pain.. I have been going through testing for both and, just today, they found that my kidney was “blocked” ... I’m not sure with what… I go in tomorrow for a consult with, yet another doctor, to find out more and see what needs to be done. Thurs. I am scheduled to have some oral surgery to remove a tooth that has been giving me problems for years… it’s not a simple surgery nor is it something that I want to have to put off… it was hard to get this set up in the first place… long story… and I’m to exhausted to go into it now….so even though the best advice it telling me to put it off, I’m fighting to keep it… besides… it’s hard enough to eat sometimes with out having another excuse.
I have an MRI scheduled for Mon. to see how extensive the damage really is to my shoulder and how long it will keep me out of work… I can’t go back until it is completely healed and I have no work restrictions. Hopefully there will still be a job to go back to.
anyway… that’s my list of goings ons and prayer concerns… I can’t promise I’ll be very faithful in updating… so for those of you who do here from me, if you what to relay any info. regarding these areas … I give you my permission.
thanks again everyone
(((hugs)))
flutter

this has worn me out now, so I need to get some rest

we had a nice day although it didn’t go exactly the way I wanted it to go… at least we were together.
I should have been working, but I was off work because of the whole slip and fall thing that I wrote about earlier. It was nice to be off work, but I’m still in pain, so it did put a damper on things. I’m also either still passing kidney stones or I have a kidney infection .. not sure which … but I’m in quite a bit of pain there too
I wanted to end the evening with a nice quiet dinner… just the two of us, but as I have told you before, my Mother-in-Law is now living with us… she wanted to celebrate by taking us out to dinner … she is such a sweetheart; so our private meal turned into a threesome

We did get to spend some time alone together… doing a few thing around town and just enjoying each other. dh got me some new fish for my aquarium.

it was a good day ♥

or should I say … two weeks it started out a couple of weeks ago when ferocious got really sick.. we almost lost him. he still is a wee bit on the sick side and the Vet. said there is nothing that he can do.. either he will pull out of it on his own or he wont.

then on the 24th I was in Kmart and they had just waxed the floors, and I fell, then when I tried to get up I fell again..two or three times.. it was like an ice rink. I hurt my shoulder and my back and haven’t been able to go back to work since. I’m not sure how the bills will get paid this next month or if Kmart will except responsibility.

to top it all off yesterday I passed a kidney stone… talk about pain!! it’s not something I would recommend for an afternoon of fun!

hopefully things have calmed down a bit.. I would really like a nice day tomorrow. Tomorrow dh and I will celebrate our 26th wedding anniversary

this was a crazy day
you tell me if you think this story is as unbelievable as I think it is
I got a visit from the FAA today
they had received an anonymous tip that things were not being done as they should be … that we were being told to break rules.
My plane came in at just the right time and it… and I were picked .. at RANDOM… to be questioned about the polices.
She was floored when she found out that I was going to a discipline meeting for that very thing… then… perfect timing ….while we were talking, the codes were broken right in front of her …
She wrote down her name and number and said I was to call her after my meeting and tell her the outcome ….

I’m wondering if I’ll still even have a meeting

keep your ears peel… this might make the national news sometime soon

Now… someone try and tell me that God’s not in control

I got my flight benefits back!!
I’m not sure how long it will last,
they might have just given them back to me long enough to get me home… I have a “hearing” next week when I get home… I think in Wednesday
we’ll see what happens them

but for now… I don’t have to worry about swimming

I thought (for some silly reason) that the stress level was going to go down for here, now that my daughter was home, but life doesn’t always go as planed and stress levels can’t always be controlled.

First let me say that my daughter is doing wonderfully. In a way, almost to good. What do I mean by too good? I mean that once they found a medication that finally worked on the infection, the cured the outer problem. they stopped looking for the reason that it happened in the first place… this isn’t the first time and I’m sure, without treating the cause of the problem, it wont be the last…
it almost killed her this time
will next time be the last time?
I’m sure this time wont be…

There was also a good deal of time spent on the phone today (I’m NOT looking forward to my next phone bill) I Have an on going battle at work It’s doesn’t have anything to do with my daughter at all, but me having to take personal leave at this exact time, couldn’t be worse.
OK… very briefly, let me try to explain.
The FAA has rules.
The Company has rules.
The Company makes new rules that go against FAA rules
I try to follow both, but at one point have to choose and feel that safety out weights the dollar…
The Company doesn’t agree
so…
before I left for Germany I was suppose to be at a disciplinary hearing to find out what fate befalls me.
I may be suspended or I may be be fired..
anyway…
I went online yesterday, thinking that I would be able to come home by the beginning of next week if my daughter continued to improve,
only to find that my flight privileges had been revoked and I was stuck in Germany with no way home
yet at the same time, expected to show up for work next week or lose my job. lol
so I spent a good part of the day talking to this person, that was connected to that person who was then transfered to the other person, that was linked to the next person who then sent me back to the first person, who told me to call back tomorrow around 2 hehehe
BINGO…i win…tomorrow

am I worried??
not with you guys praying
I’ve seen what God can do
besides… I didn’t do anything I’m ashamed of in the first place

I can’t wait to see how this all works out!!

My daughter is home!!
I guess God knew what He was doing when He allowed her to be put in the room right across from the newborns. The baby cries that kept her awake, also made her fight all the harder to get well enough to go home to her own little one. Of course the battle isn’t over yet. She has just been released to home care, and still has to go back into the hospital for treatment two to three times a day. (She just got home this afternoon at 4:30 and has already been back twice) but it’s good to have her home, the kids are happy, and their Momma is even happier.

Her best friend threw a celebratory BBQ cookout. The kids played in the water and Mamma sat rapped in a blanket on the lawn chair watching, smile on her face and baby in her lap… and a plate of real food next to her…. I even joined in by eating (drum roll please) a whole hamburger and two cookies… ok I didn’t eat the whole hamburger… but I came darn close…. and it was only one and a half cookies… but that’s still an improvement … so we both had a good day … lol

I had to drag her home under threat to keep her from over doing it and ending up back in the hospital again… finally taking the baby and walking home myself… Momma soon followed ..lol it worked :)

so now she is resting… in bed… at home

it feel good