Angry Butterfly is doing 21 things including…

Beat my depression

64 cheers

 

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Angry Butterfly has written 30 entries about this goal

Depression watch 2010

So far it’s been a long road since I wrote last. lol 3 years ago, I just wish there was one pill to take not several. to hide this side effect and tht one to cover this depression and this one for the moods. it sucks
ups & downs. lately ups =mania ….followed by real downs. but that’s part of the bipolar thing too I think. I’m trying to find me in all this. 31 and I still am soul searching. don’t think that ever ends.

Last marriage ended shitty, still hate each other. despise whatever word fits for the day.
now, working on the second fuck up. maybe I shouldn’t get married. that’s an idea I thought after the fact. If I can ‘t no my self how can anyone else know me.
I find myself doing things and saying things that isn’t like ME. but do it anyway>?! going on to the bipolar thing…..



so where do I

begin? I have had my moods again, it’s weird looking at these entries here then feeling now. i really know that I got something wrong in my head.

lately, i confess, i have ben cutting again not that anyone cansee.
but just the want is there again. I have been talking fast, feeling high. talkingtoo much not eating
not sleeping

so what stops this? what starts it?
this is where I have the problem.
I don’t know till I am there.



Maybe it is everything I put myself through?

I am going there again, this depressed land, the feelings I feel are starting to take a hold of me. I don’t know what sets it off? Love? Lives? Life? School? Kids?

I know that school is almost over for me. August. I know that I am not woorking right now.
I know that I am not saving any money, I also know that I am tired of my relationship with my so called boyfriend. the one that moved out. I am still resentful of that. Yet I keep him around? comfort? yea probably. I don’t like being alonne, but why do I keep myself from being happy and moving on? scared? yea I guess.
I don’t like change. but who does? My son is done with school wednesday. my daughter had her preschool graduation in May, she will stay there until I am done with classes tho.
I just want to get over this feeling. more meds? I thnk that is not going to help this time. I just want to sleep. that’s when I know I am depressed, well that and I drink.



I have been doing pretty good

with this one, I have had my share of shit happening in the last month and a half, I cried yelled and laughed. But I had no thoughts of hurtingmyself or really hurting anyone else. maybe my exhusband, but really I can’t I think about my daughter.

I am on the same meds, and focused on my school and my kids and getting out of my x husbands parents basement.



well I think this is going well

I haven’t cried in awhile, for goood or bad. I haven’t thrown anything, I haven’t tried to kill myself or anyone else.
I don’t yell to the point of turning red and having that oone vien on my head pop out.
road rage is getting better even. people are still stupid but I guess they have the right. sadness hasn’t been a major thing latley, maybe because I have school now or maybe because the holidays are over? maybe because things are going pretty well. for now.I am just living each day. and being thankful for that. my kids are healthy happy and smart cookies.



ok for some reason I forgot

to take the meds two days in a row, the second day, yesterday, my teacher says AMy, I can see that your in a good mood today? huh? how is that, true I was smiling and helping the other ladies with math work, and I did sleep well the nite proir, but I am not gonna fake myself out thinking wow, I can stop the meds now, I think it’s just a fluke thing. I DID take the meds this morning. and yes, I am in a not do good mood. but this has to do with the boy acting up in class and not repsecting his teachers.
that is frustrating.



this weekend was pretty good

these new meds, well I only took them the one time instead of twice, I can’t function on twice, any way if I take them at nite then I do sleep good, and this morning was a lot better as far as feeling like I got enough sleep, and sure the car took for ever to stay running but, we all were on time, and sure my daughter had a clingy morning, she did cheer up, and sure my son didn’t have his boots on, but he just won’t go outside at recess. even my boyfriend fell alseep last nite, and got up on time this morning.
so if the rest of the week can be this good, that would be nice, but I wont’ set myself up like that.



ok

so I went to the doc, I tlod her to throw the wellbutrin out the window. I am done being on that with the violent tendencies, and anger, not sleeping at nite. etc.

She said not to stop the prozac, for now, seeing how we have to come down slow, and keep the lamictal fore the same things. but now she added seroquel? new to me, so I take that 2x a day, total of 100mgs, and WTF. I can’t do this on my schedule, I fall alseep at the red lights, not good, I had to leave class, I couln’t stay up, and I was feeliong like my eyes were shut with glue.

well we stopped the waking up at nite for sure, I can’t stay up.

I just want to stop everything, and be normal again, I am tried of being spacy, or angery or depressed, and sad and then happy. WTF. life is shitty for me right now.
I don’t want to be here(at school) I don’t feel like working, I want to call in sick, I don’t want to sleep all day. I want to be awake when my boyfriend is making love to me, I kept falling asleep. what can I do? what is up.



is it ok when

you add an extra dose to your meds, and cut certain ones out?
well I did, I stopped taken the wellbutrin too many jitters, and no sleep at nite…..plus my doc said to up the prozac during the week of my cycle. so we will see. this weekend has been a little too stressful, and angery so will have to go to the doc. just to make sure and maybe to get something else or junk them all together, wait no I can’t do that. but I am tired of these feelings, is it just the hornomal thing?



ok today has been really off

that’s about all I can say, I have been in this fuzzy bubble a haze or something, daydreaming in a zone, not paying attention, walking into walls, and bumping into things? what is up? my meds? the weather, another mood swing coming around? it has been awhile since I have been down, I have been up quite ofeten or just in the middle. bipolar shucks.



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