How may fuck ups can one person have? How many times can one person think that they are in love? And this is the one?
Relationships love crap boyfriend girlfriend shit…
Love is a deep affection for another person. I deeply truly honestly have love for my kids, and my family.
Do they have the same love towards me? The kids do. I am the mom, they kinda have to love me. That is if they get their. Or I am the nice mom.
This bf/gf relationship stuff; I am so confused, you think that one person is meant for you, you think that you go your whole life and you are meant to be with only one, and that not one other person can make you feel better than the last.
You hope that the other loves you as much as you give them and thinking it’s true and heartfelt. When things go great, or so they seem. Then you wake up and realize that you were so far from the truth, and that person you loved with all yourself, is no longer the one.
What the fuck… why bother giving so much of me away so willingly so deeply, only to end up hurt in the end?
The honest truth is that love is like magic, an illusion. Your heart wants to feel such things, and your blind eye sees them.
Why do I bother with the hope that other person is actually the one? The one for me. Is this person my last and honestly the ONE for me?
Well there is always a song, but this time; there is this one song, I keep hearing in my head, that was played in the loop format, you know over and over and over again, it’s short, damned punk. I think The Ramones
So this song was asking me what this person could not.
Why is that? That music says what we as people cannot. Feelings being hurt? I have always used music as an outlet, the angry stuff.
The words are what get me. Maybe that is the whole chick thing I have going against me.
I really want you to be the one. Can you be true, or is this too good to be true, again?
I want him to be the ONE. I want so much for him to be the ONLY the LAST one… I can go and say that I have not felt this way before; I can say that I have so longed to feel this way.
But that goes against everything I despise I don’t wanna hurt, I don’t wanna be alone.
I want safe warm comforting arms to be held in, to be loved.
My mind is confused.
This person {the X} loved that about me, the care giver, and the one to make things all better.
That person was selfish, only wanting for themselves. Would put everything else below his needs, and wants. Too much like a child.
This other person {stupid crazy stalker X} wanted to be comforted loved and encouraged and have some built in groupie. Some one to bend.
That person couldn’t grow up, didn’t want to share me with my kids, couldn’t respect the parent in me, I wasn’t gonna drop them for a gig.
That person tried to be the responsible one, but couldn’t handle it, and ran…..fast.
Those are my most recent.
I tried again with the X I wanted to try for my family, my security. In hopes that things would be different. For a minute they were.
The change was all me, all on my side… I grew, I opened my mind to compromise. I lowered my expectations, and gave less of me, still guarding my heart, Still having the wall up.
Then there were the words, the conversations through many miles of World Wide Web.
The unknown sounded good. Still sounds good. Can it last? is it true? Will you get tired bored, move on? Give up. Find something/ someone better?
The want the desire the hope that there was someone just as scorned and bitter as me….willing to try to let someone in. to take the wall down brick by brick, to open up, and feel love again, to give as much as get.
What do you want from me? The words? The love? the actions? Are you willing to give as much and compromise, and look towards the future, or is it a day to day thing?
Filling the time, and space?
There is still hope.
