compile a 100-things-about-me list

So I decided to make a new list this year and put it in the family journal. I was pleasantly surprised to read back through last years list and recognize how many things on it are not really true anymore, or at the very least, no longer things that I would say define me. I definitely plan to do this once a year.
1.) I rub my foot on the sheets and moan when I can’t fall asleep.
2.) When I am really stressed out I read mindless books.
3.) When thinking about something that I feel does not have a solution I always end up listening to music from my childhood.
4.) Sometimes going to concerts makes me cry because it seems like the people singing must be able to feel their soul and I wish it were me.
5.) I make lists constantly. Crossing things off never gets old.
6.) I am really good at word games.
7.) My favorite thing in the world is beautiful word combinations.
8.) My greatest fear is of falling.
9.) I have more vivid dreams than anyone I know.
10.) I really like to tell people about my dreams.
11.) My favorite mixed drink is a mint julep.
12.) I feel that I am a good listener.
13.) When I am having a really bad day I like to say overwhelmingly cheery things like, “God, I am so awesome. I bet everyone wishes they were as as me!” out loud to other people. If they, too, are having a bad day I include them in the awesome.
14.) I really do believe that there is nothing in the world that makes you feel better than a really good from deep inside laugh.
15.) When I drink, I drink to get drunk.
16.) I can’t drink without vomiting.
17.) I get really anxious in large groups of people. Especially if I do not know those people.
18.) Sometimes, I really do know what I am talking about.
19.) The only way that I am comfortable talking to someone is if I feel that I understand who they are. I am willing to do the work if they are willing to let me.
20.) I both appreciate and abhor how not part of the rest of the world my family and I are.
21.) I fantasize constantly. About everything. In every instant I am both there and creating a new instant built of the same things only different in my head.
22.) In the mornings by myself I have all of the answers to all of life’s questions. By afternoon they are gone.
23.) I really like the beauty mark on the left side of my neck. It makes me feel feminine.
24.) I sneeze when I am hungry.
25.) My mood changes like the ocean.
26.) If I start a movie I have to see the whole thing. Even if it sucks.
27.) I do not like surprises.
28.) If I could I would never wear any more clothing than a comfy tank/t-shirt and my boy short underwear.
29.) I don’t like spending large sums of money on myself.
30.) Sometimes I really like crying.
31.) Lays Plain potato chips are the only comfort food I ever need
32.) I like outrageous outbursts.
33.) Coffee is my favorite drink.
34.) I try very very hard to be a good person. I feel I fail at this often and agonize over it.
35.) I get really grossed out if someone’s long hair touches me at all. It makes me worry about growing my own hair out.
36.) Most of my nightmares have to do with either parking garages, houses, and falling (especially driving off and falling while in a parking garage)
37.) I really like stones, especially flat and smooth ones. When I find one I would always take it home. I have only recently begun to use them for anything constructive.
38.) I feel lightweight and zen when I work on my suitcases. My breathing regulates as if I am meditating.
39.) Sometimes I think that I am magic.
40.) Sometimes I worry that I am not magic.
41.) Every single night when I am falling asleep I get excited about the coffee that I get to drink when I wake up. Every single night.
42.) I enjoy getting older, and marvel at the changes that take place every year in me.
43.) Every fall I start to think I won’t survive through winter.
44.) I am most comfortable when I am wearing all black.
45.) I rub my nose when I am daydreaming.
46.) I really love my scars, they make me feel unique.
47.) I like having tight things on my wrists.
48.) I enjoy nothing more than making something, anything, with my hands.
49.) Dusk is my favorite time of the day.
50.) I am absolutely a Capricorn.
51.) I am ridiculously good at Tetris 2. I am even better at it when I am drunk.
52.) I can make conversation with anybody, most of the time, however, I choose not to.
53.) I always end up reading existentialist writers when it gets cold.
54.) I love listening to Sigur Ros when it is snowing. It feels magical.
55.) When I am nervous I tend to ramble and say completely inappropriate things.
56.) It doesn’t take a lot to make me really upset. Or really happy for that matter.
57.) I over-analyze everything.
58.) My favorite purchase I have ever made is my ipod.
59.) Marley and Me made me cry like a bitch.
60.) I like the idea of things more than the reality of them.
61.) I am a planner.
62.) I really love sitting outside and watching thunderstorms.
63.) I chew on my animals ears sometimes.
64.) I have no problem with people knowing embarrassing things about me. If anything, I prefer them to know.
65.) I cannot imitate accents. At all.
66.) After a lot of thought, I realize that I would not change anything about my face. This is a good thing.
67.) I think that I am prettier without makeup.
68.) I do not like being the center of attention.
69.) I give good hugs. I enjoy giving them away.
70.) I love singing Disney songs.
71.) I hate the feeling of rejection more than any other feeling.
72.) I love discovering new things. I get really excited when suddenly I can name something that I couldn’t before.
73.) I am obsessed with wikipedia.
74.) I cannot really hear music unless it is very loud.
75.) I love the smell of cold air.
76.) I always sing when I am in the car.
77.) I never leave my house without my keys, my cell phone, and my transit card.
78.) I am obsessive about emergency contacts. Both for myself, and other people.
79.) As much as I was tortured about it as a child, I am not afraid of the end of the world. In fact, it makes me excited.
80.) I do not like pictures of me smiling.
81.) I moan when I am restless or bored (in addition to not being able to sleep)
82.) When I do not know what to do with myself I take baths.
83.) Sometimes, when I am feeling particularly crazy, I can smell the ocean so vividly that it makes me think that I am the sea.
84.) When I was little I used to see a lady dressed in black every night in the shadows down the street from my house. I would go outside to check every night if she was there. Now I think I have become that woman.
85.) Sometimes I worry that I am cursed.
86.) I prefer driving over flying.
87.) I get really excited when I notice a change in myself.
88.) I like getting shots.
89.) Most of the time I do not understand why we exist.
90.) I really, really like my immediate family members. I almost feel embarrassed about that. I think that we are all quite unique. I always wish that I could connect with them more often than I do.
91.) Oxyclean and all Billy Mayes products blow my mind. I cannot watch one of the commercials without exclamations of glee.
92.) I am really good at my job.
93.) I like making up fake lyrics to songs I know.
94.) I can get ready quicker than most men. I am proud of this.
95.) When I don’t hear from someone when I expect to I always, without fail, think horrible things have happened to them.
96.) I hate listening to voicemails. It makes me feel sick to my stomach when I see that I have one on my phone.
97.) I love sleeping.
98.) Beautiful sunsets make me cry.
99.) I get angry very quickly at stupid things while things that should make me angry rarely do.
100.) I like when people say my name.

100 Things About Me – 2009

81.) I am really bad at getting rid of clothing. I have way too much, but every time I get rid of something I end up looking for that exact garment the next week.
82.) I can’t cook chicken. I am horrible at it. I have tried and tried and it always comes out awful.
83.) I wear dresses more often than pants.
84.) I really enjoy writing with sharpie markers. I don’t know why.
85.) I collect ornaments. I get one every year to signify the year that has passed, and I also make/buy one for every significant thing that happens.
86.) I really want to restore a house someday. I want to get some big crazy broken apart house and make it my own.
87.) I have really bad handwriting.
88.) I miss the ocean. A lot. I regret not going very often when I was living within 5 miles of it most of my life. I always went at night. Now I miss the smell of the salt and sand and the sound of the waves.
89.) I’m afraid to quit smoking. Every time that I try I tend to spiral into crazy land. I started smoking to calm my brain down and it helps immensely. It’s a pickle that’s for sure.
90.) I don’t eat enough fruits and vegetables.
91.) I often don’t really feel like I have anything of interest to say to people, because of this I don’t talk much.
92.) I am the baby of my family. I have a brother and sister that are 8 and 9 years older than me.
93.) I love, love, love hot tubs.
94.) Unless I am at work I don’t enjoy being on the computer
95.) I don’t like having my nails painted. I always think that maybe I will like it and I paint them. Then once I leave the house and have no option to take it off I hate it and have to chip it off piece by piece.
96.) I have had every length of hair from boycut pixie to hair so long I could sit on it.
97.) Even though it happens all of the time, I am still always frustrated and surprised when people don’t follow through with what they say that they will do.
98.) 25 was my hardest life year so far
99.) 22 was my favorite life year so far (26 is on its way to the top though. I won’t know for sure until is completely over)
100.) I am currently at a point in my life where I feel that everything that has happened, no matter how minute, are all coming to the same purpose and point. It is fantastic.

61.) I plan everyday around handling crowds so as not to make my anxiety worse.
62.) I am kind of a recluse because of this and it is very hard for me to live in Chicago.
63.) I don’t like it when people’s hair touches me.
64.) I fire up with rage when someone is walking ridiculously slow or is standing to close to me.
65.) I have really bad eyesight. I cannot see a thing without my glasses and contacts hurt my eyes. My eyes are also super light sensitive.
66.) I am very gullible.
67.) I am really bad at telling jokes.
68.) I have been sewing since I was 5 years old.
69.) I am very, very loved. (and therefore very lucky)
70.) I don’t have many friends which is fine with me. I would rather have only a couple of very good friends vs. many acquaintances or half-assed friends
71.) I am very pale. I can’t get tan – I just burn and peel. This made living in S. Florida for 24 years very difficult.
72.) I really want to move to the pacific northwest.
73.) I am worried that I will never be happy with where I live.
74.) Even though I have a hard time here, I feel that moving to Chicago was a good choice. We moved here vs. our original plan to go to Seattle because we thought it would force us to grow and change more and I really think that this has proven to be true.
75.) When I was little I used to sing ‘American Pie’ constantly from start to finish. Everytime I hear it now I get flashbacks of me running through the house with bare feet singing at the top of my lungs.
76.) I make really good meatballs.
77.) I was called “Katie” for the first two weeks of my life. My middle name is Katherine and all the men on my dad’s side of the family were called by their middle name and they wanted to carry on this tradition with me. (why me when I had a brother? makes no sense) Anyway, my mom finally couldn’t take it. She said that I was an “Emily” and that she wanted to call me by my first name. I always wonder if they had continued to call me “Katie” if I would have ended up a completely different person.
78.) I have had many reoccuring dreams – all of the have to do with huge houses.
79.) I saw ghosts when I was a kid/teenager. The last two I told my mom about and she didn’t believe me. Then, she was renting out the house to some people who ended up coming over and describing the exact same two to my mother. They had seen them too. I felt so vindicated.
80.) I had my first panic attack when I was 9 while I was on the phone with my dad. We were fighting because I didn’t want to have to go to his house on the weekends anymore. (I lived with my mom)

42.) Wearing socks makes me nauseous.
43.) When I was little I prayed to the devil because I thought that if I was on his good side then I wouldn’t get punished.
44.) My grandmother told me when I was 7 that the world was going to end when I was 9. I lived in fear for 2 years. I think this is what turned my anxiety into an actual disorder that I have had to treat since.
45.) I have been baptized twice. Once in the Catholic Church when I was a baby, and once by the Pentecostal Church when I was 15 (my choice). The latter lead to my mother beating me up and kicking me out of the house. Now, I am not a part of any religion and I don’t believe in god. Oddly enough, after all of that, neither does my mom.
46.) I used to cry constantly, now I hardly ever cry – even when I want to. It bothers me.
47.) I like being sneaky.
48.) Lays plain potato chips are my comfort food
49.) I desperately want to be a good example to my niece and nephew and I feel like I fail at this alot.
50.) I have time issues. If I am running late I feel sick. Someone else being late will ruin my entire day. I am really trying to work on this.
51.) I hate making mistakes. Even the smallest one will freak me out for hours. Sometimes, if I screw up it makes me feel like I am going to pass out.
52.) I don’t try to do things that I want to do because I am afraid at failing at them. This would ruin the fantasy in my head. I hate this because I don’t ever pursue things I actually care about.
53.) I work at an investment firm. I have no idea what is going on here on a daily basis.
54.) I very rarely wear make-up. I like this because then it is a surprise to me how nice I can look.
55.) Sometimes I think that I am magic.
56.) Sometimes I worry that I am not magic.
57.) I always feel like people are angry with me even when it makes no sense and I know that it makes no sense.
58.) I hate when people call San Francisco “San Fran”
59.) I enjoy getting older. I try to note the growth that occurs from each year and appreciate it.
60.) When I am alone I talk to myself constantly.

21.) I have scoliosis. I had surgery to correct it when I was 13 but it only fixed it 75% so I am still crooked. I worry that when I get old I won’t be able to walk.
22.) I constantly make lists in my head. Every single day I do this, and go through them over and over as each moment goes by. It gets tiring, but I can’t help it.
23.) Every fall I start to think that I won’t survive through winter
24.) I enjoy nothing more than making something, anything, with my hands.
25.) My biggest erogenous zones are the top of my back and my sides
26.) My 2 favorite words are “blissful” and “fingertips”
27.) I prefer the spelling grey vs. gray
28.) I get pissy when I don’t dream at night
29.) When I was little my eyes were grey and sometimes yellow. I always wished that they were green. Now they are green and I wish that they were grey and sometimes yellow.
30.) I feel nervous everytime the phone rings. Oddly enough, I seem to always get jobs where I have to answer the phone all day.
31.) I hate being hot but for some reason run a heater at work under my desk all day that burns my legs. It makes me feel safe.
32.) I have 5 tattoos. I got each one in the company of someone that I loved. I have lost all but 1 of those people. I love all but 1 of my tattoos.
33.) I believe in soul mates.
34.) I honestly and truly do not believe that there are “right” or “wrong” decisions. Yet still, I have a very hard time making any decisions no matter how small they may be.
35.) I love my mom so much, but I hate how responsible for her happiness I feel.
36.) I have been in therapy for 5 months. I am much better now than I was. I don’t know how or why it helped. I don’t know if I just helped myself. Either way, I am afraid to stop going.
37.) I listen to Sigur Ros when I need to clear my head. It is one of the only things that lets my brain relax and just stop.
38.) I really love my scars. They make me feel unique.
39.) I feel oh-so-girlie when I wear earrings. So I save them for when I really need to feel that way so as to not kill that feeling.
40.) I like songs that have my name in them. I like them more when people sing them to me. Only 1 person has ever done that.
41.) I enjoy being read to or reading aloud to someone. It makes me feel all warm and calm inside.

1.) I don’t like the feel of cotton balls. It makes me feel like I am going to vomit
2.) I rub my feet on my sheet when I can’t sleep
3.) I like getting drunk by myself
4.) Crowds make me have panic attacks
5.) Sunsets are my nature connection (everyone has something in nature that makes them feel connected and alive)
6.) I cheat when I play cards
7.) I cut or dye my hair whenever I go through something life changing
8.) I spin my wedding ring back and forth when I am thinking about my husband, I twist it all the way around my finger when I am angry at him
9.) I don’t like being the center of attention
10.) I worry constantly, about everything
11.) I have had many people who I was very close to suddenly and without warning stop being my friend and remove me from their lives completely. Because of this, I don’t like getting close to or trusting people because I am always afraid they will leave me
12.) I am very good at being a cheerleader for people I care about
13.) I don’t yell in arguments, I get cold, quiet, and snide. I hate this about me.
14.) It makes me anxious when people get drunk around me
15.) I collect old hardcase suitcases and restore them. I have 26 of them and don’t have any room for them. They keep me sane.
16.) Most of the time, what I want most is to be left alone because then my mood swings won’t effect anyone else
17.) I love my tattoos. When I am anxious I trace the words tattooed on my belly “Is it the sea you hear in me, its dissatisfactions?” My favorite line from my favorite Sylvia Plath poem.
18.) I feel most at home when I am resting on my sofa with my husband, my dog, and my cat. It makes me feel like a family.
19.) I want to have a baby more than anything else in this world. I don’t know if it will ever be the right time.
20.) I feel the most comfortable when I am wearing all black. I see other people in jeans and white shirts and I always think that they look so clean and well put together. I always wish that I looked clean but I don’t ever think that I do.