focus on the positive

I’ve been in an incredibly negative and bitter state of mind for the past little while I think I’m driving myself and everyone else a little bit nuts.

This has got to stop, I have to make the best of what comes my way.

So I haven’t been keeping up with this.

Today was a good day. My tutee is doing well, and I’m proud of her for working hard. Avatar downloaded, I finally made it to the gym, talked to Gaelen for a while, got my report card which was much better than expected.

I dunno, I’m alright.

Can’t remember much of Monday, wasn’t feeling well so i slept for a while. Gaelen came to see me for a little while, which was good except for Megan, his crazy ex-roommate called, was whiny and bitchy for no reason because he is taking care of everything (he moved out and hasn’t found anyone to take his place, but he said he would pay rent for the months he is not there until they find someone, so she shouldn’t be worrying).

Tuesday, I had co-op, math is getting crazy but I guess it’s good for the challenge.

Today I attended a small meeting about a conference Kevin wanted to start up in our school to promote positive attitude, self awareness, a sense of community and some leadership skills. It was our first meeting, but a great start. I’m really excited for that, but my day just got worse and worse. I’m not sure how two terrible choir practices are positive…maybe it’ll make everyone practice. That would be good.

I forgot, on Friday, Charlotte got in the new business cards she had made for the store, and there was a box of them with my name. So exciting! I have business cards. Score.

Made some money today, even though I am growing to hate it at the Grocer more and more. At least I get along with everyone, and I get to see Nadia most Sundays.

Got lost of research done, I’m getting better at driving, and I’m getting to bed at a decent time tonight!

Oh, and I got around to my laundry, finally. And mom said she’d pay for my sneakers (I totally wore my last pair out. They were really, really high-tops with a zipper on the side, and the zipper broke on the left one last night. And there’s holes in them, so I guess it’s time for new shoes.)

Quiet morning. Went to co-op/work (today I got paid in money, not hours for school credits, yay) and it was fun, like usual.

Charlotte and Barbara are amazing, as usual. I love working with them, they treat me like an equal, even though I’m so much younger. And they are both so, so kind to me. I have so many opportunities to pursue there, I am going to start making clothes to sell/altering clothes to make them more recent and neat looking.

Saw Gaelen. I met his parents, which means something, definetly. He was his usual wonderful self, even though he dragged me to a boring party full of people I don’t know but he did sort of, and slutty, mean looking girls, and stupid, idiot looking boys, he apologized and told me he dragged me along because I make things better, which made it better.

I am considering quitting my job at the bakery. Which is sort of a positive, because it would give me more time. But I would have to devote that time to making things to sell to bring in that income that I would be missing, and I don’t know how much I would be able to make. Consignment is 60% store, 40% me. And I’d have to make about $100 a week. Oookay, off topic.

Today was full of small disasters.

I can only say that I’m learning not to get my hopes up, because the anticipation only to be let down hurts more every time.

And I guess it’s a good thing that my boyfriend made other plans because “I didn’t call him back soon enough” (I called like, 5 times. He didn’t pick up/there was no reception). It’s probably better, so I can do homework or something. Hopefully I’ll actually get some done, or something.

Episode 17 of Avatar finally downloaded on my computer.

ugh.

Although today was full of small disasters, at least I am still alive, still in one piece and standing strong. I was supposed to tutor this morning, and my tutee didn’t show up. I was pissed, but at least that obligation got me up this morning. My idiot vice principal doesn’t understand anything, is incredibly vindictive and unreasonable (the Remembrance Day Announcement dealie was today during second and third, which is when I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO LEAVE to get to co-op. Seriously, every minute counts, otherwise I will miss the bus and have no way to get to Stouffville for my co-op and in general, be completely screwed. Anyway, my math teacher let me go because I explained to her. I would have stayed if I could, but every year it takes at LEAST 15 minutes for the announcement, so I would get downstairs at 11, out the door at best 11:05, and it takes 10 minutes to walk to the bus station, so 11:15. The bus comes at 11:17. Mrs. Steele, is an idiot, and yelled at me for trying to leave, I explained to her I had to get to co-op because I had to catch a bus, because life DOESN’T STOP FOR A FREAKING ANNOUNCEMENT AT A SCHOOL, and she told me I had just dismissed a whole generation of honour. I wanted to slap her in the face and tell her to grow up, that the bus will not wait for a school to finish a bloody announcement, that she doesn’t know me and therefore cannot fucking say anything about not paying my respects. She is so stubborn.) BUT, I guess it’s a positive because I picked my battles, followed through with my responsibilities. I’ll meet all types of people as I continue living, and she is just one of those unreasonable, stubborn people who do not deserve my attention because I cannot change their mind unless they are open. And she is not.

Whew, rant.

Also, I spilled hot soup on my lap, twice. But at least it’s not a 2nd degree burn like what happened to my mom about 8 years ago. We were in the car she had hot tea (it was a cold day, and my mom is usually pretty okay with drinking and eating in the car. She’s a cautious driver), which she took a sip of at a red light, and at the green she rested it on her leg with her hand still on it but I guess another car made a sudden move and she had to brake and it sploshed all over her thigh and some of her hand. It was really, really bad. Long story short, at least it wasn’t that bad.

Also, I am not dead, or dying. I have not lost, and am not losing a parent or friend. I have things to look forward to tomorrow. I have a mother, a father, a boyfriend and many friends who love me. I am okay. I am thankful.

Slept in, had hot chocolate on the way to school (homemade, the only way to have it.). American history was good, met my other tutee at lunch and she’s awesome. Chilled with Ivan at lunch, got some other ideas ironed out for my novel response log. Am determined to do an AMAZING job on that. I am only getting an 83 in English, and I can do better than that, dissapointing.

Made some money at work.

Finished planning my photo project.

I feel stupid. He said he’d call and he didn’t, and god, I’m stupid.

I got up almost on time to go with my morning routine.

I think I pretty much aced my math test.

Bonded a little bit with the LEAD 1s, and tutored my tutee for a little bit. She is so awkward, I don’t know how to make her more comfortable, but I’m trying.

Hung out with Hudson during second lunch (had the afternoon off today, was supposed to have co-op but I can’t get to Stouffville and back on Wednesdays in time for choir), finally.

Caught a few zzzz’s in the LEAD office during fifth, and did my english homework.

Choir was fun, as usual. Dinner was happy, as usual. No one is coming out anymore, it’s sad. Got in touch with Gaelen (finally) and he is getting a job (finally).

Today, Becky came over for tea after school. We had the intelligent conversation that I’ve been craving, and I feel so much better.

It’s nice to know that someone is on the same page.

It’s nice to finally be able to take time to reconnect with friends.

It’s nice to listen, and be listened to.

Also, spent lunch with Sarah. We had a nice talk, and cake.

I stood up for myself rather than taking what Sarah was saying, and later apologized for getting mad so we’re okay. She invited me over for lunch today (Tuesday), so finally, time with friends.

We had an amazing LEAD seminar minus Mr. Caswell, albeit we should have gone to get him, but it was so much more comfortable without! And there was a lot of amazing discussion happening.

Saw a movie with Gaelen, he made me feel a million times better, and I needed that.