let go

s. regardless of the fact that i called you a selfish bitch just weeks ago, i still miss you. i’m all torn up between angry and sad and it makes me messy and stupid. i unfriended you on facebook this week. not because i don’t want to be your friend (despite the angry bits), but because it’s too hard for me to watch you twittering about mayonnaise when you told me you would respond “when you have some time”. you clearly have time, you just don’t find it worth wasting on me. if you’re wanting to hurt me, you’re doing a fine job.

a. another note on the subject of me completely not being able to let this mess go yet, i spent some spare minutes today at work googling all the bad reviews of g. (music/art/film/um.. enlightenment…should i be putting parody quotes around all of these words?) that are gleefully scattered all over the internet. felt somehow vindicated in the fact that i’m feeling more than ever like he’s a pompous, talentless, egomaniac who is spending all your money with his lazy entitled childishness (and the worst movie ever made). yeah, i’m the cuntface now. petty and horrible still living in a past that doesn’t want me. i know i’m in the wrong in that respect, but he’s still a worthless douche, and you still unceremoniously discarded me after 12 years of friendship… so i’m feeling some mild entitlement of my own today.

i got divorced on thursday. my friend kristina was there at the courthouse, and jenna and i are planning a champagne and tutus celebration of my freedom. you were nowhere in sight.

i close on my condo next thursday. i’ve spent the last 3 weeks picking out colors, tile, fixtures… we bought a couch! and you weren’t around…

whether you agree with my decision making or not, if you really cared about me, you would have been there for me through all of this hard stuff and exciting stuff. you’re a sucky ass friend. you’re a selfish bitch.

it’s been 6 months, and things are definitely different now. the divorce will be final in 2 weeks, and you won’t be there to help me out. i saw you see me at cvs last week. you looked fat and i told everyone so. i don’t know who i am to say that. i got fat too. plus, i always thought you were beautiful even at your heaviest. anyway, even though you’ll never find out, i’m sorry that i said that. i guess what i really mean is that i miss you a lot, and i wish you missed me too. now s. appears to have jumped ship also with the news of my impending condo… i think what you’re both doing is wrong. but i love you still. this sucks.

i think to both of our surprise, we almost bumped into each other on the street on wednesday. a brief moment of eye contact, and then we both walked on. it’s final. this is what we do now. we pretend we’re strangers.

i think this one might just take a while. still having regular nightmares about all of you (but especially you). and what it will feel like to run into you by accident sometime. my new life is shaping up quite well. i’ve got new friends who let me be myself, i’m in love like crazy with someone who suits me for a change, i’m in therapy, i spend more time by myself and living less by my old insane schedule, i like my job, i’m learning to save money… i’m happy in a way that i have never been before. but i miss you so much. and i’m so sad and hurt and confused by the fact that you not only don’t miss me… but you’re glad to be rid of me. i feel like i’m worth more than that- but having you (someone i trust and love so much) give me the boot so easily, it makes me worry that i really am worthless, and deserve everything i get.

ate a giant grilled cheese before bed last night and had crazy dreams. i had this amazingly sweet apartment and you asked me if you could borrow it for something, i don’t remember what. and then i came home early and you were there with all your friends- the ones that also couldn’t forgive me and want me to suffer… you were all in my bathroom smoking pot and having a party… i screamed for you to get out.

i’m having some anxiety. going to an art show tonight of a mutual friend. you might be there, and i don’t know how it will be when we run into each other for the first time. i sort of expect you to say hello and be polite or something, because you are unfailingly polite. always. it is both your great strength and great weakness.

you feel how you feel. and i respect that, even though it doesn’t make sense to me. but please don’t try to small talk me like you didn’t break my heart.

this is my city. my home. and if it can’t be our city anymore… that’s ok i guess. but i think i’m done staying home now, and giving you space. you don’t have to love me anymore, but i love this city, and you can’t keep us apart.

i made some pretty gigantic mistakes this year. and if nothing else, it’s been interesting to see how the people i love have reacted to those mistakes. i never thought for a second that people would jump ship so fast… since i can’t imagine anything that could make me want to leave my friends. i just assumed that they felt the same way about me. but apparently no.

losing my marriage has been hard, but losing my best friends has been harder. but these are the consequences that you deal with when you decide to wear the scarlet letter (and a bunch of other shit that there’s no time to list).

but anyway… some people who do still love me, and who are willing to concede that good people do sometimes make bad decisions when faced with hard choices… keep telling me the same thing. “oh, she’ll come back when her life falls apart”, or “she’ll be sorry when she needs you and you’re not there anymore”... i suppose it’s a possibility, but in my head that means that i’m wishing that bad things should happen to the people i love just so that i can get them back or give them the old “told ya so”. and i don’t feel that way. whether they love me back or not, i hope that they all get the lives that they want. i just don’t think that revenge (be it karmic or otherwise) is a worthwhile pursuit or hope.

i want them to miss me someday, and come find me again when they’re ready. but i can’t sit around and hope for them to make the same colossal foul ups that i have, just so that they realize how wrong they are right now. i might never stop loving them, or wishing that they were around. but i also can’t waste any more time waiting for them to “be sorry”. the truth is that they might never be sorry. it’s time to let go.