beat depression

So about a month or so ago my mother was laid of from Haliburton and we lost our insurance. We were scared that I would no longer be able to go to my therapist and my psychiatrist so we contacted my real dad asking him to put me on his insurance and recently the whole process was completed.
Problems: My therapist, who is the only one I’ve ever gone to and had any real success with, isn’t covered on his insurance. So rather than pay the 70 dollar fee or switch to another person, they are putting me on a capping program that the United Way offers. I’m so relieved by that.
So my mom faxed the insurance card and information to the secretary at my psychiatrist’s office. They’re on the plan, but for some weird reason we would have to pay a $350 deductible. RIDICULOUS. The lady said we would have to pay 101 dollars each trip, plus a 20 dollar copay. My mom just got laid off, no chance in hell we can afford that. So, I made the executive decision to stop going.
I mean I never wanted to stay on anti-depressants long term anyways. And I truly feel like if I continue going to see Carole, I will be okay without the meds. I’m choosing not to let it be a setback. I’ve made so much progress and recently made several more breakthroughs. I know I’m going to be okay.

I think I’m doing well. I haven’t seen my therapist in a few weeks because she’s on vacation and I haven’t been breaking down without her. I have bad anxiety problems and those are easier for me to control now. Although I am having a lot of anxiety about going back to school and starting cosmetology. Frankly, I’m scared. I’m just trying to remain calm and think things though rationally. I’ve been spending a lot of time at home. My friends have all been on vacation this past week so there hasn’t been much for me to do. Also, it’s reaching 105 degrees outside, which is unbearable for me. It’s much easier to stay in the cool air then venture outside. But I have to admit, I’m feeling like I need to get out and do something. I want to go explore or something fun. The time to myself has been great, but I want to do something. Anything.

Lately, my mind has been absolutely spinning with thoughts and activity. It’s like a tornado in my mind. But I don’t have the patience to journal long enough to sort through the thoughts. Which I know I need to work on.

One thing that is constantly in the back of my mind is my cat, Lola. He is really my best friend, as lame as that sounds. I can’t explain the connection, but it’s there. Recently I noticed a lump on his right leg, close to his tail. I’m terrified that it’s a cancer lump. I don’t want to lose him. I would be a mess without him. I’m trying hard not to worry about it, but it’s still on my mind.

That’s another thing that’s gotten better: my stress level. I’m a master worrier, and I’m letting some of those tendencies go. I feel much more relaxed if I’m not worrying all the time.

I’m working on getting unstuck.

I’m stuck. I just don’t know about things anymore.
I know you can plateau at losing weight, but can you plateau at something mental?
I’m trying to figure things out all at once and I beat myself up when I don’t. I haven’t left the house in several days. All I do is sleep and watch TV. I’m not depressed like I was before. I’m just stuck.
I want to get away from it all and take some time for me. But where does a seventeen year old go to get away from life to think?
I wish things were less complicated. But I guess life wouldn’t be as interesting if we got everything handed to us and resolved for us.

I’m kicking Depression’s ass, not the other way around.
I journal daily and I’m taking time for myself to figure things out.
I’ve always been a codependent people pleaser who puts others first, but for once in my life I’m focusing on me.
I haven’t been happy for a long time, but I’ve been able to mask it with constant running around and loud music and poor choices in friends. Now, rather than being happy, I want to find contentment. Four months ago, I was at my bottom. I saw no point in getting up and fighting every day. But I don’t want to live like that. I’m finally proactive about my health and well being and I’m doing the necessary things to become well. I’m happy that I’m making these changes at 17, so I don’t have to have a hard life. There are too many beautiful things in the world to miss out on.