Forgiveness (43T)

They don’t try to make it up . They don’t understand i don’t need them in my life and i’m not going to let them back in. I’m trying to forget how they hirt me but i won’t let them back in to my world.

I have tried to see things from his point of view and it seems I really can’t completely. I feel he betrayed me and there was really no reason for it. If he doesn’t want to hang out with me that’s fine but it seems like he deliberately lied to me. I’ve tried to come up with possible reasons he did what he did and there really aren’t any.

I definitely get my love of math from my father.He did far more for his parents than i could ever see myself doing for mine. While he doesn’t always take my side i think he might possibly more than my mother. Taking care of his parents. It’s not that i don’t care . It just seems to take too much out of him, he should have expected more from Jan(aka the bitch) He is good person overall.

I just wish he wouldn't think so highly of his sister and so little of himself. Also he should give people more credit for having inteligence. I don't like how he seems to take the family he came from over the family he created side.

I get my love of reading for her. I'm as openminded as i am because of her. I do like talking to her . I just wish she would listen more as i do my father.

I think she does more to help her friends than she should which is probably part of the reason i have in the past.

I feel both of them act like Alysa(my sister ) can do anything and everyone is just suppose to say it alright, we're here for you , we're not mad at you we never can be. I don't feel they'll put up with anything from me.

Hopefully when i'm complete moved out my relationship will improve with both of them.

I’m smart . I can solve most math problem without pencil and paper and I good at spelling.

I do really care about other people, not everyone, but even my former “real friends”, I wouldn’t want them to see them hurt.

I’m funny, maybe not funny to be a comedian, but i can make people laugh and they aren’t always my friends.

I try to be a good friend. I could use some improvement in this area but i do make an effort.

I enjoy myself enough that i don’t always have to be with other people.

i do try and do the right thing whenever possible.

I don’t do drugs and won’t get drunk again.

I’m not letting other make bad decision for me anymore.

Things that i need to work on include: getting more motivated about finding a job, it’s not that i don’t want to work, I just don’t want to a job where i feel small or everybody is above me.

I need to work more on socializing because i do like to get out sometimes and I don’t want to do everything myself.

I really should more confidence. Sometimes it seems to get away when I’m having a bad day .

One more thing is stop being naive. I’m smart that I should know better.

I guess everyone does. Maybe I should try writing a list of everything I like about me and what i need to work on.

starting with my parents. Sometimes it very hard to see either of then in any other way when we’re fighting or I’m mad at them or vice versa.

I figured it would be better than email(beside i think he blocked my email) or texting. It was when i was over my aunt since i had to watch her for a few hours . It’s now in his hands. I left a message. I’m not going to stress myself out about it because i’ve done all i could without going over and since i have no idea his schedule i’m not even going to try that. I got everything out. Hopefully even if he doesn’t call it won’t be awkward seeing him again.

or put out of my mind… I guess he turned out not to be the friend i thought he was but it not just that, it’s like he doesn’t always tell me things he should

They did try their best and they do love me and i love them. It just sometimes i felt overlook or what i was going through didn’t matter that much and sometimes it really made me crappy…. I might not be able to fully do this until I move out but seeing it written will help me realize it something i should work on.

It should be easier since he’s dead but he made me feel unwelcome there several times. Overall he really seemed to care about money than people. Our cousins were treated better than us even though i was born over 9 years before them and my brother was about 13.5. Rather than forgive maybe i should try and put it out of my mind for now.