say what i mean

It was wonderful. I had been wanting to do it for a solid week or so and everytime I opened my mouth or started I lost the nerve and hastily said something else. But it was so constantly on my mind.

So I wrote it out. On a white board. And then referenced it later, as in “Remember that thing I said earlier?” And when it was finally out there, I imagined I could see little sparks of lightning that wrapped around him and me and brought us closer, because that is what I felt. Does actually saying “I love you” bring people closer?

Phew! What a challenge.

I love Ross because of the person he is but I am not in love with him. I see the differences that will eventually keep us apart and he doesn’t inspire me or make me feel anything special or particularly powerful. We’re better as friends, and I know that. But for right now we are together.

We went to his brother’s wedding yesterday and several members of his family came up to me and told me they wished Ross and me the same success (that Blake and Leah, the groom and bride, had), that I looked like I belong with Ross, etc. His cousin asked me if we had said “the big L word yet” and I laughed and replied that we had not but I also felt sad in my heart because I knew it won’t ever come to that. Relatives and bystanders (for lack of a better word) who look in on relationships expect a kind of conformity in the feelings that come up, so it seems, and it just isn’t like that. Ross isn’t that person for me.

I am proud that I held my ground and didn’t fake anything. I’m relieved that I wasn’t moved to tell him I love him by a ceremony I put little significance on or the covert pressure of his family. Or how handsome and responsible he looked in his tuxedo.

at what point does it become dishonest to stay with a person you know you’re going to eventually break up with? he’s moving to new york and the relationship would have become long distance. there were just fundamental differences that kept popping up and putting me in a funk: he’s a ridiculously picky-eater, he doesn’t put his feelings out there or want to talk about them, he is catholic (and that entails a lot), he has a single plan for the future and everything that is not that plan would be a failure.

so we broke up (i broke up with him). and the immediate anxiety it created was sickening. i didn’t think i had that kind of anxiety still in me. it just made me sooo uncomfortable. i started to cry driving home after i dropped him off and i called my mom, who said she was sorry i was upset but “i just don’t understand the things you do sometimes.” ross is special but he’s not my special person. i don’t think i could have stayed with him knowing that. it somehow feels unfair.

Alex asked me if I wanted to stay over last night. And I honestly answered that I didn’t… For a number of reasons, not least of which being that I really wanted to sleep in my own bed by myself (a rare feeling for me). There wasn’t a pull at my heart like there used to be when I would do something against what I knew was the better action. It was right.

Definitely doesn’t mean that I’m not interested in sleeping with him ever again but I wasn’t pulled into a potentially bad situation, and I didn’t act against myself.

“Words are permanent.”

Do you agree?

I want to believe in people’s goodness, at least to give them a chance to do the right things or to make things right if they fucked up. But what happens when someone you put a lot of faith in continues to hurt you when you’ve told them they are hurting you? How do you reverse 2+ years of thinking the world of someone in light of the fact that they are acting selfish and immature?

When you say what you mean, shouldn’t you find peace? Perfect world. I’ve found pain.

But perhaps that’s just the first step and it gets better, hopefully I will come out on the other side of a long and arduous journey knowing myself more completely. Like I used to.

Alex has told me he doesn’t want me to “wait” for him. I am wondering about what is really behind this concept, what he means when he says that.

On two very different occasions this has come up and the second time I was very calm, dare I say relaxed?, and told him that I wasn’t waiting. In my mind I am not. Our continued interaction (a word which here has many connotations) feels more like I am keeping an option open than waiting around for him to come back. The logic here I guess is how can he come back if he never really leaves. But I wonder if I am rationalizing whatever is going on between us as maybe just a more low-key relationship, in which case I am postponing having to deal with the fact that it is definitively finished. I don’t need a relationship but I want him in my life. The question is how to say exactly that in a way that won’t sound to him like I am “waiting”...

So I am feeling very zen about this goal. I like thinking about it, turning it over in my head, and considering it from all angles an intrinsic part of it comes down to patience. In order not to say what you don’t mean you have to give yourself time to cool off from the heat of the moment. But to know what you mean before you say anything you have to search yourself.

That’s why I am taking things a little slower this time around. If I get him back it will be for the better.

what do you say when you aren’t sure what you want? if you don’t know that, how can you fill words with meaning?

I don’t do this enough. It’s gotten me into some bad places and hurt people that I really love. Love, not loved. And that I mean.

The problem is when I get angry. When I get angry I want a reaction. I will say anything to get that reaction, to see the hurt and frustration I feel in the other person. That isn’t fair. Nice people don’t do that.

In addition, I am thinking about anger management counseling because, besides the mean things I say, there were times when I pushed Alex and during the most recent fight I pulled his hair.

Goal: Have my words and actions embody true meaning.