be thrilled by the person I'm becoming

I have to admit, this isn’t going very well. No, let me rephrase that: this isn’t going very quickly.

The problem is simple. There are some times in life when people and circumstances make it easy to believe in myself. And there are times when the whole universe seems to share the same dream of shredding my self worth.

My life has fallen very deep into the latter. I’m working at a job that I’m not very good at. My whole social and academic world consists of people I just can’t be myself with. I’m lonely and becoming anti-social. It’s pretty hard to be up on myself right now.

I have a lot of faith in myself, though, and I know that in the long-term I will find a place to be that doesn’t tear me down. But in the short-term, I’m three years into a study program and I don’t plan on giving up with just one year left. Somehow I have to get through this and put up with being the misfit for one more year – maybe even find my self-confidence again.

If I can find confidence here, I guess I can do it anywhere.

a couple of weeks ago. Someone had written “I am thrilled with the person I’m becoming.”

It struck me then, clear as day, what is wrong with my life. I am not thrilled. I am worried by the person I am becoming.

Look at my life and you won’t see it. I have an interesting life, living abroad, traveling, doing challenging, meaningful work. But I’m tired, stressed, unhealthy, too often unhappy. I catch myself all the time counting down the hours until I’m free, free from either of my two very meaningful jobs.

I won’t go into details. (I’m too tired.) I just hate to think what I might be like in 20 years.