become independent

Wow its kind of scary and great how I see that I am changing.

I have a really bad person in my life. a mentally unhealthy, selfish, latching, mean, uncaring friend.

All you readers do not know me, but let me tell you I am known as “Miss Nice Girl” I am very nice to everyone but the problem is as a result of being sensitive to others needs, I am ridiculously sensitive, and the thought of having drama with someone makes me unable to function, become obsessed, depressed, all that.

She uses me and calls me her best friend at college. Psh, she needs help. Anyways, as a result of becoming independent i am putting myself first…for once. I am not answering all her calls, going on socializing without her, i am trying to ease into cutting out ties. SHe is unhealthy for me mentally, and i cant do it.

I have to admit im proud of myself, having her in my life makes me want to transfer universities which i am thinking of doing, but theres another half that knows she sgiving me a great lesson in dealing with terrible, horrible, difficult people. (and there are many of them in this world.)

Here I am at college, far the fuck away. Dammit, why did I decide to go to school so far away? There goes the negative thoughts, think positively ahhhh.

I realized I’m crazy homesick. Why? I didn’t particularly like being at home that much, but I think now I know why…it’s cause of him, my love, my Adam.

He loves me soooo much, if he could do anything it would be to see me, and those are statements I am so lucky to have in my life. (Of course hes nine hours away by car).

Im so homesick, i’m miserable, i can’t eat, cant study, i’m with people but upset. WHY AM I HOMESICK?? And I realize by analyzing myself…I am not strong enough on my own two feet.

I havent been single for now already four years, I have had a comfort, a best friend, a preson that would kill themselves for me. And that makes going to college vvery hard, becuase i dont have that here

I have my college best freinds, but they have their own lives. Its very different with a boyfriend and then with best freinds. I think i’m having a hard time adjusting to not having a security blanket in the shape of a boy. or a person. or a thing.

I mean if im alone for even 20 minutes i freak out and cry, i mean COME ON i am not at college for some tropical exclusive party, i’m here to learn and get the grades. its the least i can do for my paretns who are spending so much on this education…

I need to be okay to be on my own. I need to be okay to be with people. I need to be okay. I need to love myself, go selfishly after my own goals, be able to eat by myself, dress cute and vainly…

My goals to become independent

1. have many groups of freinds to call, and who invite me
2. be really social, funny, smiley whether alone or by myself
3. be able to have my room to go back to, decorate it funky, invite people to it

wait those arent indepdent stuff how about

1. being able to eat a meal alone happily
2. reading on teh quad alone
3. going ruthlessly aftef my own goals
4. making my room my own room, once i move out into the other dorm
5. loving me some MEEE
6. speaking out loud and getting attention in class

ALL THE WHILE ENJOYING AND RESPECTING FRIENDS BUT REALIZING I AM MY MOST IMPORTANT PRIORITY

i love you!!!!!!!-me