stop cutting

officially gone through one of the hardest times in my life cut free. It’s strange for me. I don’t even know when is the right time to change this goal to finished. I did it for so long….

haven’t done this in a long while. It hasen’t been a conscious effort either. I just….haven’t done it, or had the urge to do it. so I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I mean, it’s good that I don’t cut anymore but am I a crazy neurotic person for just stopping out of the blue, not even one urge?

when I was a freshman in highschool,(I’m now graduated) I started cutting myself because I saw it on TV and I thought it looked cool, and I continued doing it because I started having an obsession with the mark that it made the next day. well, a few days ago, I got into a fight with my boyfriend, and I was really really angry so I took a knife and I cut myself again. and I realized that it evolved into feeling the need to cut when I’m angry. like, really. I just feel the need to hurt myself period. whether that’s hitting myself, pulling my hair out or cutting myself. That may sound crazy. so I was wondering if I never decided to cut myself just because it looked cool would I even be like this now? or would this be inevitable? and why do I feel the need to hurt MYSELF? I know the thing to do would be to channel my anger when it happens elsewhere but I dont know how to do that. All I want to do when it happens is hurt myself even though I am angry at someone else. I read somewhere that you have to take all the objects that you cut with out o the house, and throw then away. but thats ridiculous to me because I’d cut with anything if I was desperate enough. what am I supposed to do, throw all of our knives away?

so I was doing really good, and then something really depressing happened, and I slipped. I guess this gives me more insight on why I do it in the first place though.

I don’t know whether to take this off my list or not. I haven’t done it in the longest time…...like, half a year maybe.

I haven’t done this in a while. But I feel extremely tempted to. right now. Isn’t it ironic that when I first heard about cutting was in my health class in middle school, and that just made me want to do it really really badly?? I think that’s ironic. it’s kind of sad that I think that a really nice perk to moving out of my parents house next year is so that I can just openly cut myself, and cut on my arms again…and really not care. The only reason why I do it is because I get a strange satisfaction to seeing the mark on myself after I do it, and then the scar a while later.

hmmmmm….I haven’t done this in a while.

I’m amazingly tempted right now. I am the most insecure, vulnerable people right now. My best frined swung by earlier to deliver an envelope filled with our pictures and a note……..a mean note. I started uncontrollably shaking, and crying. I tried calling people, ha I could barley dial the numbers, because I was shaking so bad, and the first person that I got was out to dinner, and I could barley hear her, and I just told her I’d let her go, and then the second person I got, he told me that there was nothing wrong with me, and that he hoped I’d feel better but he had to go because he was in the movie theatres and the movie was about to start…....ya, then I called someone else, and she actually talked to me, and told me that next week when she comes to visit will be ice cream and movie day….made me feel better, but she eventually had to go. My boyfriend called when I was all calmed down, and made me laugh and feel better. but now I’m all alone and depressed with the strong urge to take a pair of scissors to my leg. I want to see blood, and I want to fucking mutilate myself, because I feel so disgusting and useless right now. help?

yay….....4 nights now! you know, I’m tired of being called emo when people find out. Like one day, I was wearing a skirt, and you could see some of my cuts, and I didn’t realize it until this one little asshole goes “oh my god, you cut yourself?” and he started laughing and was like “you’re so emo”. it really upset me, because it is a really big issue in my life, and something that I struggle with, and for someone to just laugh in my face an dismiss it like it’s nothing was really disturbing.

yay….3 nights and no cutting….that’s an accomplishment for me. I used to cut every night.Especially considering how crappy things are going in my life right now, and how much crap i’m dealing with. I still think about it a lot though.