accept myself

linking self-esteem and stress. Apparently those with low self-esteem have a harder time dealing with stress because stress can be perceived as an attack to their ego and it then hits a vulnerable chord with them.

http://www.ocf.berkeley.edu/~issues/fall02/stressout.html
http://www.consciousnesswork.com/emerging-negative_emotions.htm

feeling so off-kilter and separate from everyone. My best friend is away on vacation, so I have no one to talk to about “nothing”...I have to fight the impulse to beat myself up with insults about how ultimately unpopular I am. Heh, heh.

“Accepting myself” stopped me from beating myself up today after all the altercations I got into with people, after uttering stupidities, after showing irritation with people who get on my nerves when they don’t listen and cut you off when you’re talking, after getting into a hurtful fight with my brother, after being mean to my father’s “girlfriend”, after begrudgingly relinquishing the leadership of my school workgroup to Cr. Oh yeah, I was a real terror today. But I accepted myself despite it all and puttered along until I got to the end of the evening, sat down next to the most attractive man at the dinner table, stared in his eyes and showed intense interest in everyone in proximity. I have to keep believing in me, expressing myself and giving me a chance to be me. Whether he’s interested in me or not is not important – I just have to be more me all the time and accept me all the time. Sometimes I won’t be the likeable, friendly, IT girl who steps up in a time of trouble, but I’ll always be me and I’m ok as I am – I have to constantly support this.

is to accept yourself and not give a rat’s ass what other people think of you…ok. Just don’t be arrogant and rude about it, though._“meep.”

TONE IT DOWN!!! Note to self: Relax…......................... Uh-oh, symptoms of love-sickness are springing up.

that I have to be kinder to myself (at least as kind as many 43Thingers have been to me) and that I have to focus on my qualities and be proud of them.

This is what I think people who “know” me think of me:

intelligent, but naive
friendly, but elusive
kind, but detached
considerate, but mostly when called upon
expressive, but inhibited
stylish, but unkempt
caring, but not overextending
different, but not extraordinary
hard-working, but inconsistent
fun-loving, but uninvolved

all this is because…as I’ve been told…I’ve got oodles of potential but I don’t use it, I’m like a flower in the asphalt, I’m a work-in-progress. Really, it’s plain old familiar fear keeping me back.

I don’t want to accept this, I’d like to grow up already!

Get back to this goal and accept myself..whatever stupid thing I said or did, or didn’t do or say..whatever I have or don’t have..when I feel like a wet dog without a home..when I even hate myself for a moment…I have to stop all thoughts and return to this..ACCEPT MYSELF. Be my own best friend and censor that miserable part of me that surfaces to remind me that I am “not all that” and that I am non-giving, selfish, and witholding because I don’t make the effort to call the people I’m supposedly close to, engage in conversation with them, share myself and my stories, give presents, give compliments and help them feel good. Maybe the physical cold I’m feeling all the time now is a symbol of my inner emotional coldness. I’m so detached…is that what I’m supposed to accept?

I wish I could write about things that I wouldn’t mind my co-workers or weird acquaintances seeing..cause this works best when I am brutally honest. I wish I could be more open in general, though. Eventually, I’d like to feel free to be me.

These feelings of disappointment with myself keep coming up again. I get hypercritical of all my mistakes, stupid things I say, difficulties I have in situations with people, promises I don’t keep, my messiness, my life. I don’t want to get depressed again. I have to keep my thoughts above ground.