be happy again

I just finished my last exam of the semester, after holing up in the library for a week! Now I can put more time into tackling real life work projects – new and old job stuff!

SO NOW….

I can plan seeing “Mr. Still-there” more often.. ;-)

-I can read some of those interesting books I bought..
Freakonomics, The Power of Intention, etc.

-I can go to the movies…what is worth seeing these days?

-I can get back into dancing 5 days a week!!!!!!

-I can start all those little projects..family tree, photo-printing, framing canvas and painting bedroom?, mopping floors, condo search..etc.

-I can devote more time to volunteering..now I want to walk dogs at the SPCA

-I can plan a well-needed vacation!!!! Oh, yeah…and by the way, I won a round-trip ticket for two to Hawaii!!!! I’m going to pick up my prize May 4th!

-I can meet friends for lunches and coffee whenever I please..

-I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant…

It helps that I’m dating someone who seems somewhat interested im me. He’s not completely interested, though. I could concievably see him up and leave for no reason. But I think I’m pretty happy right now because even if he did that I would not fall apart like last time. I feel more confident about jsut being single old me. It would really be a relief to find someone and get married and not have to deal with everyone thinking I’m some kind of loser because I’m not and have never been hitched. But I’ve accepted that a lot of people live single because they havent found someone that makes them want to give up their singlehood. That is kind of my case. I mean, I met guys that I thought I’d want to stay with forever, but then they didn’t want me that way…and the ones that did want more with me..well, I didn’t want to be with them over the longterm.. I really like the guy I’m dating now…but I don’t think it will last.

but I’m impressed at the resilience I’ve been showing lately. I haven’t gotten into a “dark” mood in a long time…despite all the things that I don’t have going for me, I’m really pleasantly surprised.

1. when my kitchen sink is empty and clean
2. when my body is well-hydrated
3. great sex with a man I love
4. the feeling of flight from rollerblading, biking or xcountry skiing down a hill
5. a child’s laugh
6. stylish, water-proof boots
7. when I feel closer to my Dad because he says something wise that I had to ponder to put in perspective
8. becoming infatuated or crazy in love (but this also makes me sick)
9. seeing that I’ve lost weight on the scale
10. finding clothing that fits well, is comfortable and makes me look hot
11. spa visits: manicures, facials, pedicures, and massages..the whole bit!!!
12. tasty home-cooked meals
13. eating dark chocolate while drinking red wine
14. unexpected phone calls from people I love
15. getting great grades at school
16. coming home after having someone else clean my place
17. Belgian chocolate
18. when my friends are happy
19. a day at the beach (in Cuba!!!)
20. bellydancing to Arabic music
21. a well-made, entertaining, thought-provoking or cleverly humourous movie
22. hearing about someone overcome obstacles in their life
23. finding another soul who understands and accepts me
24. great dance music with a happy beat
25. a stranger’s smile or their kindness
26. sunshine
27. diligently writing my morning journals
28. getting physical activity everyday
29. when I feel energetic
30. discovering tasty food dishes
31. when my appartment is clutter-free
32. steambaths
33. positive, open, giving people
34. having “excess” money in the bank
35. discovering new music sounds that touch my soul
36. my doctor giving me a clean bill of health
37. realising when I’m in a down mood that it will pass and things will get better
38. helping out someone when they really need me
39. getting over my ex
40. little, affectionate baby animals
41. when I do a great, kickass job at work
42. waking up refreshed after a good night’s sleep
43. knowing what I want to do with my life and doing it.

I suspect I may have two personalities. Some days, I’m so happy, nothing affects me, I laugh all day long, I love myself, I’m open and friendly with everyone. Other days, I get very critical of myself, I feel scared of life and I feel like such a failure that I just want to go hide in a hole somewhere. I want to be happy and confident all the time and not have this split personality. It’s scary, frankly!

if I keep busy, spend time with friends and family, enjoy the benefits of my job and recognize my accomplishments, keep journalling and exercising and eating healthful foods and getting good rest.

I can be happy again if I stop griping about all that is not working now and focus on my certainty that things will get better. I also have so much in my life to appreciate right now that adds to my moments of happiness. I just have to spend more time seeking out and doing happy things and being with and connecting positively with people that make me happy. Basically at this point I have to consciously nurture my happiness.