feel my feelings

and back where I started. I have achieved a “few” of the goals I put up on this site months ago..but I still have many to work on. Unfortunately I really feel like I’ve fallen behind in my growth because I spent the whole summer concentrating on finishing my degree. Now it’s over (summer and the degree actually) and there’s hardly anyone around..feeling kind of lonely. Or there are people around, but I feel like I can’t relate to anyone at the moment. I’d like to spend to gradually get back to feeling confident and secure and happy.

He came over Saturday night and we kind of made up, but he told me clearly and directly that he is not ready to be in an exclusive relationship nor to settle down. He wants to be free. He even said he wants to keep me as a f+ck-friend, but he didn’t want to use those words..then he says we’re soulmates and he loves me and he wants me and….HE’S INSANE!!! I’m insane for falling for him and contemplating taking him back. My dad says if you like him then accept him as he is and have some fun. He says “You women are always trying to control and trap a man. Why don’t you all just let us be?” Thanks for loving and cherishing me, Dad. I just don’t feel good and special knowing that the guy is running around town with other women…that he doesn’t respect my needs..and may bring me some nasty disease in the process. Why should I give him what he needs if he can’t give me what I need? Maybe there’s someone out there that wants to give me what I need because he wants me to feel positive about the relationship, secure, loved, respected, confident and happy. That’s what I need. The concept of f+ck-friends is so gross to me. Been there, and in the end, hated that. Yuck!

Back on the dating train after the typical 3 month stint. Why did I ever think it would be any different? I should just expect it to end after 3 months..I thought he was different..Duh. I’m feeling the feelings alright. I feel embarrassed, humiliated, bitter, bored, hopeless, defeated, discouraged, pissed-off, empty, sad, sad, sad. Next guy will have to wait at least three months before we get intimate. How will “I” be able to wait that long?!! Will there even be a next guy. If I had known in my twenties how hopeless dating is in the late 30’s I would have settled for any guy with a steady job. Hahahaaa!

I lost three rings in the past couple of weeks. I’ve been so busy that I was not paying attention to where I put them. In fact, I don’t even remember which day I lost them. I feel really sick with myself because one ring was from Peru and another one was given to me by my Dad and it used to belong to my Mom. I’m so careless!! I hate that about me. I went on ebay looking for rings that resembled my Mom’s to try to replace it..but it will never be replaced. It was hers and I’ll never find a ring like that one that was hers. I feel so foolish.

It’s still hard to believe and accept that she is gone sometimes. When I feel sad and alone, I think of her lively spirit, how full of energy she was, how powerful and loving she was..how sad it was to lose her…I miss her acceptance, her insights and her joyfulness.

I’ve got into the habit of treating myself to a very small glass of rum and coke when my nerves get really rattled (OK. I only had two drinks in 3 weeks…I have no intention of becoming dependent on alcohol). It’s just that I’m dealing with a lot of work, a lot of people, a lot of social activities, and weird self-imposed emotional highs and lows these days… sometimes I just can’t take it. I feel guilty that I’m blunting out my feelings though. I can’t think of another way to handle the intensity of situations… Technically I should just feel my feelings rather than think them out. My anger, my hurt, my weaknesses and insecurities all work together to bring me down. What resources do I have to fight them?

I’m noticing that when guys first meet me I am confident and independent, even a little reserved and indifferent to them..but once I get the “love bug” after a kiss or sex or some other moment where I feel we connect emotionally, I become a little submissive, insecure and too careful. I have to stop thinking of what they will think of me and just be myself. If they like me…ok and if they don’t..well, that’s ok too! But then again, I like playing the girly girl sometimes…

I grew up with boys and missed out on some crucial female socialising skills. I’d sincerely like some input from other women on how to handle some of the awkward social situations I get in with other women. For instance, when I come in to work wearing something new, the other women always make a comment about it, like “Oh. Did you buy that at Brooks?” or “Aaaah. You’re wearing a bright colour today” or “I have a coat just like that but in another colour!”. For some reason, these comments frustrate me and make me feel, well, angry. What am I supposed to respond? Why is my attire sooooo important to them? I never make a comment on what they are wearing. Is it simple female-bonding? Are they trying to get close to me, or relate to me? I make comments sometimes too when I see something extraordinary or striking..which I never see at the office!! To make comments on people’s everyday clothing….I just don’t get it. What am I missing here? HELP!

Did I ever lose it this month!!! For two days and one night I suffered from insomnia, hopelessness, binging, sadness, paranoia, anger, mood swings and hyperactivity!! I have to look into supplements for PMS or I should do more yoga…it’s just too uncomfortable to live this way…

I was planning on studying, but I feel like just taking a warm shower and hit the sack…I’ve decided to feel this feeling and to act on it asap. Kisses and ‘night all!