There comes a point in life when you are finally able to make a value judgement about yourself. Youth are not privvy to these introspective journeys simply because they do not own a significant personal history. It is not until you have a few decades of living behind you that you are able to assess. This is the first step in ones own evolution toward wisdom. So many never make this first step and it is this fear (not taking that first step) that burdens me more than the thought of death.
So first things first. Why the hell have I continually turned to careers that skated on the periphery of personal happiness? The reasons are varied but in general there is a pattern. Money and other peoples expectations.
I have had moderate success in my two careers over the past twenty years. I have traveled the world and bought and thrown away a lot of stuff. I do not feel successful simply due to the very real fact that I have always compromised my true talent and passion of gardening for a more ‘legitimate’ corporate world job.
Why? Like water, I took the easiest path that allowed me to trickle through dirt into a big muddy pool, where I now sit (with countless others I might add) dirty in my own self-sabotage. I have tried to leave the mud-bath and actually took a leave of absence a few years back to play with owning my own landscaping company. Despite my clear success in both design and gross income, I ran back to the mud. Let me say this, however. Once you leave the mud bath and dip your toe into self-clarity you can never really go back. “they” won’t have you and ‘you’ can’t conform (ie: team playing is difficult)
within two years, I was fired from a decade-long career. the reason? “You no longer fit within our corporate parameters” What the hell is that? I was the top producer. I set the standard for other workers!!! I left and moved into another industry which for all intents and purposes is equally as lackluster as far as nurturing a personal ‘passion’ or ‘joi de vivre’. Success is multi-faceted – money being only one of the dozens of other elements involved. In my heart I Know that a career can bring as much emotion and joy and heartache as any child. I long for that passion not just when I am home but throughout the day as I am working.
So during this past year, I have come to realize that my own happiness lay outside of the muddied pools of corporate zombies. I am now taking formal training in Landscape Architecture and have committed myself to once again make the break. This time I have no “safety net” to return to. Despite accolades from those who see my work, despite the support I have from my very closest friends and family, I am petrified of this change at age 40.
There is so much about running a small business that I do not know how to do. My born talent is in landscape design (which surprises those who do not know me well. This disturbs me as I do not believe this is a very good sign in terms of leading an honest, healthy and fulfilled life).
But back to my passion: using life (plants) to create emotion. As far as landscaping is concerned, I just get it. From the moment I see a space, empty or filled, I get the vision of how to make it work in terms of it’s interaction with people. Friends laugh because I will decribe my thoughts and always end with ” so, do you see it . . .do you see the vision?” I Have been landscaping for over twenty years (for free) and it always surprises me when they still do not see ‘the vision’ even when nearly completed. The vision comes at about the 90% completion point.
I Don’t like to think of where I am as a crises. It would be a crises if I still had no idea of ‘what I wanted to do when I grow up”. This is more of a wake-up call that keeps ringing every ten minutes, constantly reminding me that it is time to leave the comfortable bed I have been unconcious in for two decades. Picking up that phone means that I am going to face myself honestly and truthfully. Sort of like looking at yoursef in the mirror that morning after the ‘big party’. the person on the other side can be pretty startling.
In the spring, when the classes are finished, I am going to pick up the handset and answer the call. It scares me as I will not have the security of ‘coming back’. It seems too much at times and even my best supporters warn me of taking such a drastic move. I think I have to do it though.
All words of wisdom, practicle advice and constructive criticism welcome.
