weigh 110 pounds

:]

i guess I did something right yesterday because I weigh 112 today!
yesterday all i ate was 2 bites of salad, 2 goldfish, a bunch of cough drops, & water, to make up for all the candy. Ended up eating only about 10 pieces of candy after trick-or-treating. & it doesn’t even matter what I ate today beccause the bottom line is I woke up at 112 & I’m still 112 & i’m happy!

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid me.
I woke up at 113.
Had some lemon tea for breakfast, solely to help the pain, I think I’m getting strep throat.
For some stupid reason I decided to have a cookie in English.
Then I opted against getting my homework done & instead went to lunch & ate a big pretzel with cheese (Carbs!!!).
So I got home, and in addition to having not lost (& thank god, not gained) a pound, despite running a mile, I decided that the best thing at this point would be to pig out.
Case in point: 1 sandwhich, 2 mini white castle hamburgers, a few bites of ice cream, cookie dough, a popsicle, & 3 fun size chocolate bars.
Have I mentioned I hate myself?
Thank goodness for purging. I’m still at 113 despite all that.
Too bad I’ve promised myself time & time again I wouldn’t purge anymore (Did I mention I have strep throat? sticking my fingers back there probably doesn’t help). I try to remind myself of all the downsides, but everytime it gets the best of me. I have absolutely no self control. hmmm…. Depression, broken family, lack of self control, family history of substance abuse, insanity, & suicide… sounds like the perfect recipe for an eating disorder.
God, I’m stupid.
I wish I could use laxatives again.
I shouldn’t say that, it’s so stupid. But It’s true.
It’s too bad I don’t even think you’re allowed to buy them if you’re a minor(one of the many reasons I need a fake ID).
So what am I to do? It’s not as if I can go up to my mom & say, ‘Hey mom, I’m in the mood to become increasingly underweight. will you buy me some laxatives so I can abuse them in order to hurt my body in order to obtain a few hours of psuedo self-acceptance, which in the first place is just an underlying symptom in the big picture, which is that there’s something terribly wrong with me, or my life, & I don’t know what it is, so I’m using all kinds of pathetic methods to try to compensate for it.’
...?
Anyway.

i was standing, walking, or running for almost 9 hours straight. & I ate some water, a chewy bar, & about 10 goldfish. & I only lost 1/2 a pound. Shit. 110.5

been dieting a lot this week (& purging a little… ugh Im mad at myself)... 111 tonight, because i was hanging with my friends all day so i didn’t eat much. we went to my friends house & then the mall, I was doing pretty well until everyone got pizza except me… so I had about half a piece. But it’s okay. Today I ate:
2 potato chips
1 double stuff oreo
1 sip of soda
3 gummy colas
1/2 piece of pizza
4 fries
4 bites of noodles
2 frosted mini wheats.
& tomorrow hopefully down to 110. I’m working all day then going to soccer try-outs, so it’ll be a lot of physical activity & not a lot of food. :] But like I said before, it doesn’t count unless thats my actual weight…

too bad it’s cause i’ve been fasting like crazy the last 48 hrs. overcompensating for my habitual socially-induced friday night pigout. I’m glad i’m at a low. But I know it’s not gonna stay like this, as soon as I eat it’s back to 114.5 :[
this sucks.

i reached 110 yesterday. but i’m probably up already, since I had a sandwhich for lunch. I’m okay with it. I don’t count it as reaching my goal cause I’m really not 110. I just lost a bunch of waterweight or whatever. I’ll count it when i’m skinny enough that every day I’ll wake up & go to sleep around 110, even when I don’t starve myself.

I’ve been stikcing to my diet really strictly this week. I started on sunday, it’s now wednesday. On sunday and monday I ate only negative calorie fruit, water, diet soda, or diet tea, & lean cuisine meals. On tuesday I ate only fluids & negative calorie fruits. Today I’ve only had liquids. I worked out on monday & again today. Right now I’m at 111! the lowest I’ve been so far in 2007!!! I’m feeling really good today. I’m fasting the rest of the night, I know I told myself it wasn’t healthy & i wasn’t going to do any of those Ana/Mia things, but I’m so close!!! I know I’m not going to be able to hold on to this. My hope is that by the end of the week I’ll have permanently lost around 2 pounds. (that is, be at a weight of 113 or so).

I’ve been going up and down lately. No huge breakthroughs. I think my average weight right now is 115. I never thought losing weight would be so hard. I used to look at fat people & think, what’s their problem? why don’t they just diet & exercise? Boy, was I wrong. I’ve pushed myself to all kinds of unhealthy means of trying to lose weight. & where has it gotten me? I’ve lost 7 lbs in 4 months. Big deal. I got some good inspiration from a few websites yesterday. Hopefully I’m more on the right track. & I’m going to try to not purge anymore. It’s SOOO bad for me. I don’t want to ruin my body. Plus all my experiences haven’t really helped me lose much weight anyway. So from now on, it’s what else but: DIET & EXERCISE.

candy binge lastnight. 114.5