be true to myself

there are some things that were never meant to be.

I never felt completely me in the world of football, and this season was no exception. Walking into the training room now feels foreign, like I no longer belong, and no longer want to.
Beginning in January, I am focusing my efforts on some sports and teams that are more in tune with my values, interests and goals…track and field, swimming and water polo.
done.

that i don’t want to do in my life anymore. i generally don’t have a problem saying no, or asking for what i want.
there have been a couple of things, though, that i have been hanging on to, that i am letting go of…my relationship that wasn’t working and football.
i am commited for a few more weeks of football, then i think i can mark this as done.

is not going to happen for me this year. my foot is cranky (even after an hour) and i am not trained (ha! not a minor detail). fast andy had a few words for me….DNF!

_{i’m going to haul some aspen instead}

will be living with a fun, communicative woman who is at the same place in her life, as i am with mine. in a place that brings me into a new corner of the world. and will allow me to live more simply, with a garden, a hammock and a bike (or my feet) to get around.
this is going to be so good for me right now.

i set a boundary for direct communication that wasn’t respected. when he asked me to do a favor for one of his friends, i asked him to have his friend call me directly. today, he calls again (friend in the room) to ask again, putting me on the spot. i buckled and said that i’d come over to his house, and why don’t we talk about it then.

it felt weird and wrong to me, so i called him back and told him so. he thinks i’m difficult, he was just trying to help his friend. i told him that i want to communicate directly with people.

it is my job to notice what is going on inside of me, and to be true to that.

with s. no matter what happens with this relationship in the future, it is my responsibility to tell him how i feel and how i want to be treated (and then, of course, let go of the outcome).

i was able to speak my truth, he didn’t get defensive, and i feel better.

trying to change someone else…impossible. i know this deeply, but am fighting it.
the only power i have is to change myself, my own reactions, my own behavior, my own limits.
head spinning day. want balance. time to sit and breathe.

not geing caught up in moving to a killer pad, but living in my value system…paying off the last of my debt (car, cc), saving more, traveling again.

what is taking better care of me…living in a beautiful space and constantly worrying about money, or living in my simple space, feeling slightly deprived but free?

_{for now i’ll take free}

picked up my bike from his house, and took his key from my ring and dropped it into the mail slot. being true to myself today means not falling apart because this has ended. knowing that there is a plan in mind for me that i am not in control of.

as my yoga instructor said, it’s not about controlling the rapids, but learning how to navigate down the river.