be a better daughter

Last time I updated, I was convinced that my mother was impossible to get along with.

Turns out that things aren’t how I thought they were. I’ve moved out, and to a new state for college. I speak to my dad often on the phone and over email, but up until recently I had not spoken to my mother often. When I went home for spring break, things changed.

I spent a lot of time with her, working on projects I was interested in. Sewing, binding books, and some other artsy things. We went to a tiny store in a town outside our city, and dressed up for a tea party. Seriously.

I discovered through some snooping that she is planning on leaving my father over the next year. I’ve told one person, who lives too far away to be a part of things. Now I’m writing it here. It’s been terribly difficult trying to get along well in a family with two disagreeing parents. I have known for years that they didn’t get along well, and that they needed to separate. After some unsolved financial issues my father created, it’s finally happening.

I feel like I have come a long way from what I used to be. From bad to okay, at the least. From ignoring my father’s attempts at caring about me to reciprocating them. From being disgusted by my mother to relating to her and supporting her in her decision to break away. Now that this change has come about, though, I feel more of a duty than ever to be a good daughter.

I feel like some of this might be my fault. Their disagreements have been going on since I was very young, but I think the angst and stubbornness I developed against them as a teenager may have driven them further apart. I started a lot of those arguments. I fed them. I sometimes tried to pin my parents against each other.

I don’t think it’s all my fault, but I do think that I must now do what I can to make up for it. After all the time I spent causing chaos, it’s time to work on bringing them together again. Where I used to test their love for each other, I will try to prove that there is reason for them to be together. My mom needs this, to prove to herself that she have not completely deluded herself in loving him over the years, and my dad needs it to remember who he married, and that he has no right to treat her with as little regard as he does.

They used to hold my hand when I was little. Now it’s time for me to hold theirs.

You know what- my mom’s a nutcase. My brother, father and I have really come to laugh about it together. She bought a 23,000 dollar two-seater miata when we’ve got three kids to put through college, and currently four people in our household. She buys three hundred dollar suits that don’t quite fit, puts them in the back of her closet, and refuses to pay for me to get my hair cut.

She really is a nut, and I’m okay with the fact that I don’t get along with her. She’s selfish and bitchy, and likes to make herself look like the good guy even when no one’s looking.

I’m tired of feeling bad about myself because she doesn’t have the competence to maintain peace within our family. Something’s always got to be amiss with her, and I’m not going to let it hold me back anymore.

My dad and I get along fabulously. We joke a lot about how I used to be a complete bitch to him, and how I was headed down the road to becoming my mother. We laugh about my self-inflicted traumas, and how I used to bring everyone with me. We know they were sad days, and I’m still very very regretful that I made them all go through that, but I think the worst is over. I love my dad, and I’m glad I can finally let him know.

My mom’s going to Europe for a month to teach, then staying an extra month to spend money we really don’t have. But at least she’s out of our hair.

My dad deserves so much better than her. He really really does.

How’s it going with you guys?
What are you doing to be better daughters?

I’ve started saying “I love you” everyday before I get on the bus to go to school. Doesn’t seem significant, but I bet it is.

Tomorrow is mother’s day. If I’m not too sick to get up, I’m going to make my mama breakfast in bed.

Papa and I cook together. Last weekend, he taught me how to make pancakes. This morning we made them together. It’s nice to have fun with parents. I guess I’ve been missing out for quite some time.

My sister is home from college for the week. Last time she was home, we fought most of the time. It created a lot of chaos in the family- especially between my parents and I. Hopefully I can just avoid her this time so I don’t cause trouble.

I’m a pain in the ass. I’m extremely abrasive toward both my parents, and it really sucks. I’m impatient with their questions they ask with only the intention of making me happy. But I’m really trying lately. I give my mom hugs when she’s grading papers, and tell her not to work to hard. And my dad… well… I haven’t yelled at him in a full twenty four hours… =/

Hey: it’s a start. We’ll see if shopping with papa tomorrow breaks the pattern or if we can keep the ball rolling.