become more assertive

at work. Someone there has been screwing me around lately, after my one week of working there, and I’m afraid to confront them or do anything about it. The manager is on vacation, so maybe by the time he gets back I will have the courage to do it. This is stupid, but the main reason I don’t want to express my feelings and assert my needs in this situation…. is that I’m afraid I’ll cry while I’m doing so. I hate crying in front of people. It makes me feel so weak and foolish and over-emotional. The fear that I will cry has prevented me from expressing myself many, many times before. Not a good reason. I need to work through that.

Being with Jon helped me assert myself because he speaks very bluntly so I feel safer doing so with him. I appreciate our relationship, because all the time that I was being honest and straightforward with him, I was learning to be comfortable doing so. He taught me that I don’t have to fear it, it’s a lot easier than it seems. I hadn’t realized I’d made any progress until yesterday when I was talking to one of my best friends Caleb and he made a comment. He was trying to explain something to me and I filled in the blank one time when he paused. He said, “Yeah. Exactly. I wouldn’t have thought to put it so directly, but that’s actually…. exactly what it is. Good job. Couldn’t have put it better.” Now, I trust this guy and he’s never said anything like that to me before. Score!

I have moved beyond passive aggression, but now it is time to move into healthy self-assertion.
Aggression doesn’t work. Sometimes it is necessary, but this is rare. Aggression does not usually produce the desired result because people respond with hostility or passivity.
Passivity doesn’t work either. Sometimes it too is necessary, but this is also very rare. Passivity does not usually produce the desired result because people either do not respond, unaware that a response is expected, or they misunderstand and grow to resent the passive person.

The only solution is assertion, which is simply to express in clear terms what you mean to express. It involves no emotional tactics like name-calling, screaming, pointing or other forceful gestures, and no hostile or controlling motivations like the desire to manipulate, strike fear, or force a certain outcome. On the other hand, assertion involves no timidity or withholding of vital information. It does not expect or compel others to guess my feelings or intentions, wants, needs, or boundaries. It is not motivated by emotional factors like fear, dependency, or love.

Assertion is characterized by the calm vocal repitition in clear terms of expectations, needs, wants, and boundaries. Assertive people use an appropriate, undisguised tone of voice and a volume appropriate to the background noise levels – no louder or quieter. Assertive people are unapologetic about their statements and requests – they betray no feelings of unworthiness in speech, tone of voice, mannerism, or body language. Assertive people make reasonable statements and requests only; they are always aware of this and are ready to remind those who accuse them of being unreasonable. Assertive people make eye contact when asserting themselves; they enunciate their words, they stand up straight, face their audience full-frontal, have relaxed and confident body posture, and their facial expression is serious without knitted eyebrows, lowered eyes, or a smile.

I will learn this behavior and become proficient in it. I will be assertive.