love myself

Blurbs:
Last night, at the bar, I tried to “pick up on guys” by giving them the creepiest face I could and staring them down as they walked by. My entire table was laughing so hard they could barely contain themselves.

I’ve been working out just to feel strong and alert. I played volleyball in a bikini yesterday without caring that my stomach isn’t perfectly flat like it was last summer. I probably looked great.

I have been playing lots of guitar, which always makes me happy with myself. I had a great conversation with a friend last weekend and we talked a lot about out loves for music. It made me proud to be myself.

I have been so much KINDER to myself than in the past, and I am just realizing how important that is! The things I think about myself would make me lose ALL of my friends were I to say those things about someone else. How can I insult myself so brutally and expect to like myself? I am working to be kind and understanding, to respond to my inner dialogue like I would to a friend. I am realizing that this is one of the great keys to happiness.

My new therapist was AMAZING. I stopped going to my last one because she made me feel like shit about myself. This therapist was shocked at the things the old one had said to me. I assumed it was me. Clearly it was her.

She agrees with my rational thoughts—that I am a good person and that I have been put in crappy situations and responded in reasonable ways (rather than my irrational ones: that I am an awful and screwed-up person). I think she’s really going to help me deal with my family BS, my overwhelming stress, and my other assorted BS.

I am coping with my problems little by little. J has been so fabulous throughout all of this.

Last night I remarked to him, without really thinking, that I likes that I always choose Halloween costumes that make me look like an idiot (and usually involve cross-dressing) rather than ones that make me look sexy. It was a nice surprise to automatically feel good about myself.

I’ve had a hard time lately but I will get better. I’m so happy that I finally have someone working with me who is willing to help me feel good about myself!

One of the big reasons I cannot love myself is that I am finding it impossible to forgive myself for mistakes I have made. I’ve always been like that—totally unforgiving of my missteps.

I have to learn to do it. I don’t want to make excuses for things I do wrong, but I have to understand why I do things, and I have to realize I’m only human.

I was very depressed at the beginning of this year. Now that I am almost out of it, I see my attitude, actions, thoughts, and am totally horrified with myself and the self-centeredness I displayed. I showed an utter lack of regard for my entire life—I was too depressed to care about work, friends, family, etc. I have to be forgiving of it. I was unwell, and the fact that I am so aghast at my old habits and ways of thinking is proof of that (and the fact that I am well once again).

People get ill. People act unwisely. The fact that I was barely able to eat, work, wake up, and even BREATHE on occasion should act as proof that I was struggling—that I wasn’t functioning well enough to expect anything of myself.

Heavy stuff. I hate it. I’m going to be struggling to regain my sense of self for some time. I have to forgive myself for lapses of kindness, wisdom, and/or character. That doesn’t mean that I plan to excuse my behavior. I just need to understand and forgive. I don’t know how to forgive without excusing, but I’ll get there, I guess.

I want to do something to boost my self-esteem every day. I don’t know what that will be today. Maybe I need to make a list of ways I could do that. I’m stumped. I don’t want it all to be aesthetic. I’d rather celebrate more than my looks, and I guess the fact that I can’t think of much else worth celebrating is indicative of my low self-esteem.

(I tucked it away for a while but it is back.)

I was really self-conscious when I was appointed to Academic Senate last semester because I felt dreadfully underqualified. Then I remembered that I’ve gotten where I am today by marching into situations that I am totally underqualified for with a ton of confidence and faking it ‘till I make it, so to speak. So today I marched into a Senate Executive Board meeting like I owned the place and made a bunch of suggestions for the upcoming year, and we had some great discussions. I’m really looking forward to being a more active participant this year.

I’m looking at pictures of myself from March and I think I look too skinny in them.

I have never in my life thought that about myself. I have always felt too fat.

I love myself how I am now. I still eat healthy and exercise, and I may lose a little weight, but I’m not really trying too hard for it. I don’t feel like I need to.

This is a really exciting thing for me, honestly.

My self-esteem hit a pretty epic low today thanks to a callous remark from my sister (the one I get along with, no less!) that got me thinking too much about how little my family (and probably many others) likes and respects me for the person I’ve grown into. They all want me to be someone else. I constantly feel like a square peg being rammed into a round hole, and in the process the corners lose their integrity.

My family’s insanity often makes it really hard for me to know when I am justified in an action or reaction. I feel like this makes huge problems in my life. It dulls my reasoning skills. I just want to be a good, kind, pleasant, generally likable and happy person, and I just suck at that right now.

I need a break from my family so I can work on myself without their negative influence. Unfortunately, they all want/need my money, help, or attention for their own ends and so getting space is going to create more conflict.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
—Buddha