stop drinking

No beer again last night you guys! Dare I make it a third??

Last night was the first night in over two months that I didn’t have a beer! It would have been longer than that if I wasn’t horribly sick then too.

I came to check out the site because I’m currently on my third beer of the afternoon. I haven’t been taking this goal very seriously at all.

Actually, I’ve totaled up the number of days I haven’t had a drink this year and it’s something absurd – less than 30.

It comsumes my every thought. When I’m sober during the day the only thing I can think about is how I don’t want to have to drink that night. I have to go for a run after work, I have to find dinner and I have to drink beer. It really is a disease—an addiction. Even right now at 8AM I’m thinking of how I don’t want to have to drink tonight. Which is going to turn into thoughts of ‘if I don’t drink tonight, I will tomorrow. Might as well give in tonight.’ I’m sure you’ve been there. I’m not crazy. I don’t have a problem.

“People like that don’t die – they just fade away.”

EVERY day. Every DAY I wake up and think of the things I’m going to do that night to keep me from drinking. Every DAY I think about how quickly I lose this extra weight if I just forgo drinking beers at night. Every DAY I think about how much faster and focused I would be if I didn’t wake up every morning in a fog.

I think about the people I know who have had their lives majorly affected from drinking. I know a girl who won’t go and get her liscence again because she doesn’t trust herself to not drive drunk. My mom’s husband. My brother. Friend’s parents. Coworkers. There are all of these examples in front of me and somehow I think I’m BETTER than them? Just because they don’t run, and they don’t care what they eat for breakfast or lunch? I’m in the know. I’m taking good care of myself.

I’m no better than any of these people. I’m an addict just like all of these other fucking assholes. Every DAY I wake up and think about how awful I am. How I can’t control it. How I have a problem. It makes me feel stupid and worthless. I want to draw attention to it, but I don’t want to draw attention to it.

What makes me pick it up every night? Why can’t I just not do it? I’ve been saying that I drink too much for atLEAST a year now—probably longer. Since January, I’ve kept track of the days that I haven’t drank, and it’s at maybe 30-some days. That’s HORRIBLE.

The plan for tonight is having some orange juice after my run and before dinner. Somehow I think that’s going to give me the edge on picking up that beer.

It’s 7:51, and 4 has turned into 10. What the fuck has to happen for me to wise the fuck up and just STOP?

I’m 4 beers in! No stopping me tonight! I don’t want to answer the phone when my girlfriend calls me on her way home from work! I’m an alcoholic!

I haven’t had a sober night since 7/22. I drink entirely way too much. I’ve even done an olympic triathlon and a half-marathon since then. Shouldn’t have I have had some sober nights in there?? Ironman in 3 weeks. I’m sure I’ll be doing it with a hangover.

In front of my computer. Listening to music. I want to start keeping track of how many beers I have per day. I already keep track of the days I don’t drink. I’m MAAAAAYBE at 30 for the year so far. Sad, right?