give up

i will give up on jan. 1st, 2009. unless there is reason not to give up.

if i would give up, it would all go away.
why can’t i give up? i am a glutton for punishment. if i got kicked hard enough when i am down, maybe the giving up would come easier.
i am an ass.

but i don’t know why. i keep hoping for a different ending. why would he want to be with me anyway? nothing special about me. if i try to convince myself how ugly and unloveable i am, it will make it easier to let go and give up.

as much as you want to die, if you fell in water, you would try to stay afloat.
i wish i could just give up.

on so many levels, but not the one i need to give up….but at least it’s a start.
i am going through my stuff, weeding out, selling on eBay, trashing, donating.
i went thru my chat buddies, and deleted several, including one guy i liked alot. we had words, and i don’t feel too good about him now.
i have removed myself from an on line forum that i was a member.
i refuse to contact the man i love, and for the time being, will only respond to his emails. i love him, and he only thinks of me as his agent. soon i will return his works and tell him to have his wife do it. she doesn’t know about me, and we aren’t even intimate. what’s the problem? i’m always a secret, and i don’t understand why if there is nothing going on.
time for change, and times are a’changin’.

it’s a lonely feeling.

and i will in october. my new goal. give up at the end of october.

so difficult?
the world doesn’t end if i give up.
i won’t die.
it can only be a good thing in the long run.
it’s GOOD FOR ME to give up!
WHY CAN’T i DO THIS?

if i could only believe fully that i am unloveable, i would stop looking so hard for someone to love me.
i’m 49 years old and i never felt loved. it’s really time to stop wishing/hoping for this. it’s not gonna happen.

i have a new date. nov. 1st i will give up.

but i can’t remove this from the list until i really know i have. it could just be the depression talking.