To live instead of exist

What I really lack at the moment to make life out of my existence is motivation. I used to have a very strong inner motivation before, but after my life got shattered it somehow disappeared. I make plans, tons of plans and then I don’t have enough power to pull thngs through, so I give up and usually pay a very high price for doing so.

Again, I have a wonderful plan at the moment, I know I am totally able to do everything I planned, it’s not too difficult or too boring. I just need to stop procrastinating, surfing the net endlessly and sit down and write and learn. Then I’ll be able to find a good job and life will get back to normal again.

Because at the moment I don’t do what I should do, but I also refrain from fun activities, because I haven’t worked enough. It’s a known mechanism, but I should be able to change that, right? I so hope I’ll be able to come back to my old happy, achieving self :) :) :)

My life changed deeply within the last year. My very abusive relationship broke, which made me sad in the beginning, but very happy shortly after.

There were some very bad moments, like losing my job in June (I’m still unemployed), but there were many others that made up for them. I fell in love with my bestest friend and we’ve been together every since. I haven’t experienced something like that before and I’m so happy now. In the long last things are starting to fall into their own places without it feeling forced or strange.

I am a different person now, than I was a year ago. I calmed down, I don’t feel like screaming again and again. I actually like my life, even though, there’s really a lot I have to work on. The past leaved some tracec and I still tend to react with too much procrastination and apathy to whatever is happening. But I’m working on it and it’s going to get better, I know it.

Sometimes it’s really very difficult to live. When you live, it does hurt so much, because you let the feelings touch your soul, not only your mind. And sometimes it feels like to much. I’d so want to be offered time and unconditional love, time to heal. But life doesn’t work like that. No matter how good for me it’d be, there’s no way to get it.
I have to gather my strength again and go through this phase. It hurts. It’s like letting myself feel things that happened months ago. I was dealing with reality better then, when I just had to fight to survive. Now when things are calming down I am on the verge of imploding. The thoughts, the feelings, the impressions come out suddenly and want to be dealt with.
I feel insecure and I don’t trust the fate. I enjoy and appreciate every good second as if it were the last. Because I never forget it may in fact be the last one. I always feel the cold breath of reality on my neck. I guess that’s what’s so difficult to deal with for you. Because I make you remember how close to the edge we live… I’m so sorry T. life with me can’t be easier now. If only you could give me time time to heal, if only…

Last weekend was great. Great example of living and not merely existing. Anythung that happened was intensive and had deep impact on everything else.

There was so much joy in being able to ride a horse again. So much power in feeling the muscles in gallop, so much freedom and consciousness. I had almost forgotten what a powerful experience horse riding really was for me.

Then it was the first weekend away from home with all the children. While it was bloody difficult and testing at times, it also showed that it’s possible. DBF and I had a couple of fights, but we managed to resolve the issues and clear the air. No more swallowing everything and suffering silently thorugh pain.

It was also DD’s second birthday and the anniversary of the birth trauma… This time I wasn’t completely alone, there was someone who listened to what happened and how… I hope in several years this day is only going to be DD’s birthday, not the anniversary any more…

... of sheer existence, not even ressembling life, I’m ready for a change. OK, there’s so much that has changed already, but I’m still stuck to a point in my old vicious circle of worrying about the future and procrastinating on getting things done.

I need to find a balance between things that absolutely need to get done and the things I want to do. There must be a way to do both.

I’m so hungry of life at the moment after all those years, when I just didn’t do anything at all, when I just waited for a change to come that I find it extremely difficult now to keep up with everyday routines. I want everything and I want it immediately, I hate having to wait. But I also don’t want to forget all those things I’ve been missing for so long, sport, fun, going out, enjoying friends… Hard to do, but I’ll find a balance in the end.