stop binge-eating

Things are going to hell lately in my life, but I am still holding in there. I think it honestly has a lot to do with S. Weird. But without her there, I think I would have eaten a whale by now…

I think I’m going to cross this off my list as I am tired of seeing it on there. It depresses me thinking about my ED. (I stopped going to group as well… well missed one meeting, and don’t know if I’ll go to the next one either—not sure if this is ED suicide or a good thing… eek.)

So I might have to reopen this, but I hope I don’t.

I hope you all luck. I have my fingers crossed for you!! You can stop binging too!! You can do it!! Just take control and run…

I am doing WAY better. It’s crazy how much of an impact he has on me making good choices. I am really worried for when he leaves again, though. I am going to try to be strong and not take my sadness of him being gone out on my eating habbits etc, and since I can talk to him when he goes to SOI camp, I might be able to call him to vent instead as well so I don’t let other stresses in my life affect me as much as well. I’m going to try. But I am really amazed at how well I have been doing. Purely because he is home. :)

why the fuck did I have to become a binge eater?? I liked myself so much better when I was anorexic. If I have to have a damn eating disorder (as apparently I do because I as soon as I got help with my anorexia, I became a fucking binge eater.) I’d rather have my anorexia back. That disease is so much easier. I looked pretty, I felt much better then I do now. I just binged a ton of food down. And I feel like my stomach is going to explode!!

I want it to go away!! My three best friends all also have them!! One is a binge eater like me, another is bulimic, and the other is currently in the hospital for her anorexia right now. They think she just had a heart attack. She is 22 years old. I’m scared shitless right now!! She has been in in-patient 3 times and will be going back in again in about a week… this is if her health is good enough to get in… which in her current position isn’t looking like she will be able to go yet.

I want her to be better!! I want all three of them to be better!! I wish I could just take on all their problems, all their diseases, all their worries and troubles upon myself for them. Just even for a night to take all their pain away for even a short period of time!! I wish they were all better!! I wish I was better!! I wish we all helped each other get better more then sharing ideas on how to sneak around to disguise this disease from the outside world more.

I’m starting to lose it I swear. :( I don’t know how much more I can take. I don’t even care about myself anymore, honestly. I just want them to be better!! :*( I’m terrified for them all.

We are all in counseling, and support groups for our EDs. I wish it was easy to get rid of!! I wish we could just go see a shrink and have them give us a pill to make us better. My friend in the hospital right now… they just made her eat ONE saltine cracker. ONE!! and she txt me telling me she needs to work out to work it off!! She wants to try to work out in between her nurses shift changes because she can’t even have that saltine in her system!! And that the saline they are pumping into her blood stream with potassium is making her plump up and she said she is tempted to yank the IV out to help the plumping go away. :(

And my bulimic friend just txt me telling me her ulcer is killing her again too. What if it’s bleeding again. FUCK!! :( Just someone please make it all go away :(

ps… another bad thing…
Other then the huge binge I just had for dinner tonight—I haven’t been eating at all. :( fuck.

I’ve been doing terrible lately. :(

And my stomach has been feeling it tons lately. :( I’m dealing w/ an almost constant stomach ache. And I’m pretty sure my binging is why this is happening. And I’ve just been really tired, like feeling really worn down.

This terrible behavior has got to stop.

I can’t imagine what this behavior is doing to my body… not just what I see in the mirror but my insides. This starve and binge behavior I keep having… I think starving myself would be better then all the fat and crap I put in myself during binges!! My poor heart and arteries, and I mean good god I’m surprised my body can create enough insulin to cope with all the sugars!! I’m glad I’m not diabetic!! But I hope I don’t become… or become something worse… HELP!!

So this is getting rediculous. I am binging more then not lately. I keep gaining so much weight with it too I can’t stand it. And then I starve myself as a punishment (of a sort) for the binge and to also maybe help me lose some weight… and then I gain more, because I end up binging more when I starve because I know it’s not good for me. And then when I try to eat normal, I end up gaining more weight because I am eating even more then just my binges!! And then I get depressed and binge more meaning gaining more!! I just need to never be allowed to touch food ever… like lock up every piece of food and I’ll be good. :(

Bah humbug. advice anyone??