i am getting smarter and more selective about who i am letting in. which is both good and bad. i am being more assertive and not compromising all the time which is good. but now im afraid to let myself be too vulnerable. which is maybe not so good. its been a long time since i opened up to a boy and im afraid im a bit out of practice.
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gretadarling has written 9 entries about this goal
im in love now, but it isnt reciprocated. this seems to happen frequently. what is it about me that makes me unlovable?
ah, the sting of rejection and heartbreak once again. i need to learn to not jump in with both feet, heart open, eyes closed.
i think i may have done this. and it is unbelievable how contented and safe and warm and loved one person can make you feel. i hope its not a passing thing. i really could see myself getting married and having children with him. he is kind, gentle, loving, generous, and patient. he makes me happy. and for some reason that makes my heart hurt. but its a good thing i think. a need that went so long unfulfilled is finally being attended to and that is immensely satisfying. he is my pair of rose colored classes. i hope i can keep him happy so he doesnt leave. i hope i can be for him what he is for me. i hope i hope i hope.
so mr spectacular isnt so spectacular. the more i get to know him the less i like him. which makes me feel bad bcos he seems to be quite taken with me. i think this will be an unhealthy relationship, bcos he’s kind of an ass. but i hesitate to do anything about it bcos his grandma died yesterday and he needs me to be there for him. i suppose its that somethimes hes spectacular, and a lot of the time he’s a jerk. i hate being in positions like this.
why is it so hard for me to avoid unhealthy relationships?
the more this spectacular kid hems and haws about which girl he likes better, me or other girl, the less i like him. the less long term potential he has. the more his stock goes down. he is so frustrating. i think my problem is that i want it too much (to fall in love), which is what gets me into situations like this one. ive never been in a situation like this. it makes me question my integrity and standards.
why is this so complicated and confusing?
im starting to wonder if, maybe, this doesnt exist. or maybe it just doesnt exist for me. getting tired of looking for the diamond in the rough