make myself happy

Someone who is some kind of expert on DV told me that she thinks I need to educate myself on this subject, because she thinks I am healing too fast for my own good. (i.e. dating, dancing, smiling, getting myself back basically)

O.k.

Are you in my fucking head, lady?!!

Last I knew, I cried for a year and a half straight, gut wrenching, sorrowful, self-flaggelating crying, read every damn book I could get my hands on, have purposely REJECTED the idea that this was somehow my fault, REJECTED the idea that I continuously seek these people out (I don’t, none of my other relationships were like that) REJECTED the idea that I should spend precious moments of my time reflecting on my role in this messed up game (my role? punching bag, scapegoat, forgiver, enabler, ad nauseum)

I should spend more time in my cubby, crying my eyes out a little more over something that wasn’t my fault? I should stay home and let my life pass me by for some undetermined amount of time so that you can pronounce me well on someone elses timetable, when all I get in this group is 15 minutes to talk specifically about things that have happened recently? Recently, I am trying to be happy, you ass!!!!!!

UNTIL I can get to a therapist, one on one, and get this all out of me, I will continue to try my damnedest to make myself happy, because I don’t deserve to be in this pain.

He should be the one suffering this emotional crap, not me!

Apparently, this is unhealthy and wrong. Here I was thinking it was healthy and right.

I should cry more? I fucking can’t, because it’s killing me!

I should spend more time alone? I am alone. Not on the fast track to marriage. I am dating. As in going out to eat or to a movie. He drops me off, he goes home.

I should educate myself on the subject? Lady, I got the education of a lifetime about it. It wasn’t just verbal abuse, or mental abuse, or physical abuse. It was all 3. I have read about it, I have talked about it, I have joined all sorts of online resources about it. I’m sick to death of this particular education.

If I am wrong, then so be it.

Awesome music, danced by myself in front of maybe 200 people, then went home, threw on a different outfit, and went out dancing at the club…so 6 hours straight of dancing my ass off.

So there.

LOL—-That is all.

Starting on the premise that I am rich beyond belief.

Every day at my job, I help people live. I support their goals and dreams, I take care of their wants and needs. I help them feel valuable and connected. I get paid to make people happy and fulfilled. That in itself makes me happy and fulfilled. When I finally get my brain to settle down, I sleep good at night. They have nothing, yet they give me everything.

The rich who are unhappy are worse off than the poor who are unhappy; for the poor, at least, cling to the hopeful delusion that more money would solve their problems but the rich know better. – Sydney J. Harris