stay calm even when provoked

“If I looked like you, I wouldn’t have any, either.”

Aside from not making any sense whatsoever...

If you looked like me, you’d lose that fake-ass orange tan, plastic nails, and dye your hair back to its natural color (cuz your roots are showing, sweetie).

So, I go out dancing with my friend, Laurie, and it’s the usual, lots of cute people dancing, everybody happy.

This douchbag comes up to me, and since we’ve made our peace already, I listen to his story about how there are people there who want to beat him up. I’m nodding, kinda dancing a bit, waiting for this story to end, when this girl walks by, and says “Yeah, Fuck him!” and goes to the bar. I’m thinking “yeah, fuck him, he’s an asshole.”, and he’s telling me how he got angry and called her a very nasty name. I am just about to tell him that that is probably why her male friend wants to beat him up, b/c he’s such an asshole, when she walks by me, and says, “Don’t look at me.”

I’m like, “What did you say?”

“Don’t look at me”

I just looked at her, because now what? Now I am looking at you. This is America, sweetheart, I will look anywhere I Goddamn well please!

Let it be known that I am so not a violent person, but you really have no choice, if someone gets up in your shit, you have to get right back up in theirs, it’s basically a law.

So she goes outside, and I really think nothing of it, because Hello? I don’t know you, I don’t give a shit about you, and you’re not going to ruin my night, ya bitch! I’m starting to think she may have deserved the name he called her, even though good manners dictate that you keep that nasty comment to yourself.

I go outside to have a smoke, and all I can remenber about this girl is that she is bleachy blonde, with a light green shirt. Me, I like to settle stuff right away, so I’m looking, I see her, and I said, “Are you the girl who just talked to me inside about not looking at you?”

“Yeah, and you need to not look at me, mind your own business, mind your own business!” Her little friend is standing beside her, telling her to chill out, quite a few people standing in the frigid cold, watching us. I say to her, “Look, I don’t even know you, he was talking shit about you…”

“You just need to turn away.” she says.

“What’s your fucking problem?”, says I.

Her friend is obviously embarrassed, and tells her to chill out, I was defending her, etc.

What pissed me off the most is 1) I was minding my own business, as usual, 2) I was about to defend her from this cad, and she’s being a royal c#nt, and 3) one assault goes on my record, I can kiss my career goodbye, as if I’m going to let some dumb twat ruin my shit.

I go smoke in my car, pretty much infuriated, and when I go back to the door, she’s like “There she is!”

So I walk up to her, “What is your problem?”

“You don’t want to be looking at me, just mind your own business.”

At this point, my whole emotional state was WTF?

I informed her that he was talking to me, I don’t know her from a hole in the ground, and she says to me, “You entertained the thought, though, didn’t you?” referring to going out with the douchbag. I laughed then, because evidently she thought I liked him, which was funny, I’m like a fucking nun at the bar, no man has gotten any from me, coming from there.

I turned to her friend, and said, “Thank you for having some manners, your friend obviously has none.”

The bitch says, “Well, if I looked like you, I wouldn’t have any, either.” which makes no sense, but whatever.

I went inside, and she tries to dance closer to me, so I’m thinking this bitch is going to sucker-punch me or something like that, but I think she must’ve thought better of it, because after about 15 minutes of that, she left.

I stayed out the night, and danced until one, because Billy-be-damned if I’m going to let some immature trollop ruin my night.

Ugh, I was pissed, though. You’re the one who had the relationship with this scuz, not me. Again proving my point, it’s not your outside that makes you ugly, honey, it’s that deficit you call a personality.

of my job is to leave their homes knowing that they are as safe as I can possibly make them, smoke detectors work, no visible wiring, etc. This obviously includes walkways being free of snow and ice.

So, there is an eave dripping water all over their steps (two ladies, same apartment building), creating a quite large ice rink on the stairs. My first instinct is to call the landlord, of course, who better to handle it? But, thinking that the store (which is attached to the building) would have a more direct way to handle it, maybe they have salt for it, maybe they have the slumlord’s number?

So, I trot my butt into the store, and wait for the guy’s attention, as he is shooting the breeze with two other guys. He asks “What can I do for ya?” and I explain the situation, and tell him it’s my job to make sure all is well, could he help me out?

Well, you would’ve thought that I asked him to open a fucking vein and give me his last drop of blood.

“There’s a guy that does that, but he’s already been here.”

“O.K. that’s fine, but it’s all iced up, and I need to make sure it gets taken care of…”

“WELL, IT DRIPS DOWN FROM ABOVE, & STAYS LIKE THAT ALL WINTER!” This is said in the tone of “what do you want me to do, make it stop being winter, you stupid bint?”

I remained neutral-toned, and said, “I understand that it drips down, but I still need to take care of it. I’ll just do it, if one of you guys will be a man, and help me carry this (50 lb. no-handled) bucket outside.”

“I’ll do it, I’ll do it.” Just as rudely said as he could muster.

I’m all like, “Thanks, I appreciate it.”

So, I go out to my car, and I’m thinking WTF? It’s not as if I blamed him or anything, that was so rude! SO, I am about to go back into the store to tell him that is was completely unnecessary for him to speak to me that way, when he comes out with a cupful of salt, and sprinkles it down.

“Thank you!” No answer. Ignoring me, even. “THANK YOU!!!!” Still no answer. Now I am so ready to go around with him, this is insane! So I say, “Do you have a problem with the way I asked you or something? I’m just doing my job, hon.”

He apologizes on the spot, saying, “I’m sorry I gave you an attitude” I thank him for apologizing, and he explains that it’s always leaking down, and they salt it constantly. I said I understood, it must get tiresome, but I just needed to leave knowing I’d done all I could.

Put them on the spot for their rude behavior, then validate their apology and explanation. Works like a charm.

Gracious to the end, that will be my epitaph.

who loves to provoke people, and for the purposes of this story, she shall be known as “Wal-mark”.

I ask Wal-mark what she’d like to do today? She scrinches up her little face, and says, “I want to go to the store where they sell those things.”

“What things?”

“Those red things.”

“What red things?”

“Those goddamn things I was telling you about!”

O.k. here’s the point where it gets told that this woman could conceivably have talked about 100 or more red things in the time I’ve worked with her.

“You have to be a little more clear, Wal-mark, because there are a lot of things that are red, and I just don’t know which things you are talking about…”

“I DON”T GIVE A DAMN! YOU NEED TO WAKE UP!I’M TIRED OF YOU GIRLS BEING SO STUPID!”

O.k. grlnxt, remain calm, you know what she’s like. Take a deep breath.

“O.k. Wal-mark, we’ll just go, and you can point me in the right direction, and we’ll get there eventually.”

She tells me, Go to “Ima Bitch High School”, so I drive that way, get partially there, and I turn to her. “Are you sure? Because there are no stores out that way…”

“YES, I’M SURE! I’VE LIVED HERE FOR GOIN’ ON 10 YEARS!”

“O.K. just checking…”

Of course, she meant Ima Hag High school, so we have to turn around and go in the opposite direction, the entire time her calling me stupid, idiotic, and brain dead.

So, I say, “Listen, Wal-mark, I don’t have to deal with this. If you want to be so nasty, I can take you home right now, all you have to do is sign this paper, and I’ll leave.”

“Oh, no, you’re not getting off that easy.”

“Well, you can treat me with the respect I deserve, or I will leave, with or without the paper.”

“I don’t know what you’re getting all upset about…you’re the one who’s getting upset.”

“No, Wal-mark, in fact, you have been yelling the entire time, and I haven’t raised my voice once. Are you finished yelling?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”