Heal

i am going crazy. literally, i am going crazy. i have vented and ranted more times than imaginable, but what is happening is out of my reach. i’ve been trying so hard to control what is happening, i’ve been fighting, but i can’t.

what is happening to me now is tearing a scar in my flesh because i can’t control it, i’m doing things that hurt me whether good or bad, and i’m leaving the love and support that has helped me keep my sanity in check for the past year.

i don’t know what to do to heal; i don’t know if i ever will heal, but what’s happening is ripping apart my soul.

peace.
grow.

I have to heal from David.
He was Romeo, I was Juliet in the play. I loved him with all my heart and soul for the last two years, but he never returned my calls, never really liked me more than a friend, I assume. It killed me when I had to go to another school this year because I had waited for an entire year so I could see him again. He killed me.
I have to heal from sexism.
So many people have told me that I couldn’t do something as good as them because I’m a girl. I never got passed to in Ultimate Frisbee, soccer, or football. I was picked last because I’m a girl and because I’m not as pretty as some other girls. I have never been taught about women roles in history, the arts, or our culture and that has hurt me terribly.
I have to heal from being an outsider all my life.
I’ve started doing that by going to a new school where everyone is an outsider, but because I go above and beyond on projects, I’m called an overachiever. Because I am don’t take crap from anyone, I’m called concentrated evil. Because I am strong, I am called a she-male.
I need to heal from all these hurtful things.

Grow.