accept myself

I feel pretty darn good about myself lately :)
I have a family that loves the heck out of me, a university degree, I’m definitely a pretty girl, and I’m a sweet person who loves animals and other people. I like being happy. Sometimes you just have to quit surrounding yourself with pain and negativity to realize just how amazing your life is. At least I had to. There’s enough suffering in this world, I don’t need to make myself feel bad on purpose.

If I could accept two things:

+ That I can’t relive my childhood and make better choices
+ STRETCH MARKS. Even though they’re small, I can’t get over thinking that my boyfriend is totally disgusted every time he sees them. Because of them I’m embarrassed to be naked in front of him, I don’t like being naked by myself even. I used to LOVE to be naked. I wish I could accept these imperfections and quit thinking about surgery and lasers etc. I wish I could just be okay with my body.

I am a girl who has been through a lot. I am a girl who feels guilty for everything, a girl who over-analyzes, a girl who is sometimes shy and sometimes way too brazen. I am a girl who is better at writing to people than speaking to them. I’m a girl who feels like she’s not pretty most of the time, a girl who criticizes her accomplishments, and a girl who second-guesses almost every decision she’s ever made. I am a girl trying to learn to accept my past actions, even though they weren’t me and aren’t who I am anymore, and I’m finding it really hard.

This is who I am. I need to accept it.

start learning to accept myself even when things aren’t going very well at all, like right now. i have to keep reminding myself to be gentle. it’s really difficult, because i’m just such a perfectionist that unless everything is, well, perfect (duh) i just hate myself and can’t get over all of my flaws. like one thing will go wrong and wham – everything is wrong. so much black and white thinking. right now i’m just trying to put everything in perspective.

I’m very concerned with what other people think, something that comes from a strong yearning for others to be proud from me. I’ve always wanted a perfect reputation, to be considered a woman of integrity and accomplishment. Unfortunately, how I responded to events in my past severely sidetracked me and soon my hatred and disrespect of myself was visible to others. While you can’t turn back time, and while it can be very difficult to convince others that you’ve changed, I’m beginning to realize that “do-overs” and what other people think about me won’t accomplish this goal, it’ll only perpetuate a cycle of perfectionism.

So, in keeping with the spirit of this goal, I’m trying to be gentler with myself and to listen to myself like I would listen to an admired friend. I’m beginning to trust myself, to congratulate myself for small everyday victories and larger ones – like knowing that I’ve gone through a lot but I can still wake up and smile, that I love animals, that I hate injustice, that my family is important to me, that I’m very trusting. Sometimes while I list these accomplishments I hear a voice telling me that it’s not not true, pointing out specific examples of contradictory actions.

Part of accepting myself is learning to overpower this voice. To give as much importance, if not more, to the good as I give to the bad. To contradict the voice, not agree with it and pity myself.