quit smoking

except for feb 2. i had some cigarettes at a show, even while downing ginger tea for a bad sore throat & cough. i gave the rest of the pack away & the next day i was too sick to smoke.

i’m not sure what it would take for me to consider this ‘done’. i’ve heard stories about people quitting for 4 months, 8 months, a whole year! and then starting again…

i started smoking & quit smoking again since the last post.

i’ve had about 10 cigarettes in the last 2 months – these were times when i was with a group of smokers or when i was alone but really angry. i don’t carry cigarettes with me, the angry cigs are expensive.

walking behind a smokers is a good reminder of why i don’t want to smoke. looking at all the cigarette butts on the street also helps.

my boyfriend is also very supportive & very good at guilt-tripping when i want to smoke. he also started a raw/vegan diet which is a good distraction from smoking. instead of craving cigs & feeling denied, i crave french fries & cookies. and i can go out & eat those when he’s not around.

the bf is quitting caffeine at the same time & witnessing his withdrawal misery made me realize what an addict i am.

teasing from my friends [also smokers] also helps me stay quit.

talking to my coworkers [quitting smokers & nonsmokers] also helps.

& the bad weather makes me really glad that i quit.

you know how people say that you’ll feel healthier & look better & breath better etcetc after quitting? my throat feels better & i sleep more [better?] but the rest of me feels about the same.

it’s nice not to be distracted when you’re in the middle of something b/c you want a cig. although i sometimes miss the breaks from work.

i added this little quit-smoking counter to firefox: http://www.quitometro.org/quitomzilla_en.php

thinking about how hard it’s been to quit off & on for the past 5 years makes it pretty easy [in comparison] to not ask for a cigarette.

& i also try to associate smoking with all the stupid reckless self-destructive shit i used to do when i first started smoking – things that were fun, but make me cringe to admit doing. these are things that i don’t want to do again. cigarettes aren’t quite in this category yet, but they are getting close.

this is the most i’ve thought about cigarettes in weeks.

i just hafta keep reminding myself of the things in carr’s book – that smoking does nothing for me & that i’m happy to be a non-smoker. it helps to remember how much i didn’t like smoking when i first started. it also helps to think about all the stupid things i used to do when i first started smoking. i am happily not doing any of those things anymore (i.e., being a binge drinking drug dabbling art partying spaz). i am so glad all of that is over. so i try to feel that happiness & relief & apply it to quitting smoking. and it’s working!: i don’t feel jealous when i see other smokers. there’s no battle to buy a pack every time i walk by a deli or a newsstand. i’ve even gone on breaks with my coworkers who smoke & not smoked. & i haven’t been angry or moody at all. it’s great.

i should take the book with me on vacation.

jeez.us. i just finished rereading carr’s book. this is it! i’m tired of trying to quit every other week & being in a foul mood b/c of it. i’m tired of eating candy as a substitute, going out onto the fire escape to smoke, getting pieces of tobacco in my purse, smelling like smoke, getting grilled by my mom whenever i visit, trying not to fight w/my parents b/c i can’t smoke when i visit, my throat hurting, my chest feeling heavy, the guilt when my bf starts smoking b/c i’ve got them around, the anxiety at work when i can’t leave to have a cig, the paranoia about cancer/emphysema/etc, the money, the constant pathetic schizo argument i have with myself when i smoke or buy a pack of cigs, the embarrassment of having failed so many times & having told so many ppl that i’d quit for the past four? five? years, etcetcetc

yeah. i don’t want to smoke anymore.

i don’t feel completely certain like carr says you should be, i’ve fkd this up so many times before (like just 2 days ago, and a couple days before that). this is going to/has to work. i really really don’t want to smoke anymore. and i do remember how hard it was to start smoking. i was kinda depressed at the time & liked the idea that i was hurting myself. i haven’t been depressed for years now & i don’t need cigarettes. the only good thing about smoking is that i can use it as an excuse to take a break from work or a crowded bar. which isn’t really worth killing myself for.

so. i’m going to go run now & think about how awesome it is that my lungs are finally getting a chance to heal. yay.

wk 1:
mon 0
tue 0 [parents @ show]
wed 7? [tired, weak]
thu 2 [at work]
fri 0
sat 8? [pm, went out/drinking/irate]
sun 5 [am, leftover]

wk 2:
mon 0 [w/help from dp]
tue 4 [at work]
wed ? [cheated]
thu ? [cheated]
fri ? [cheated, threw them out]
sat 0
sun 0

i’ll try harder this week & avoid alcohol.

you know how when you ask ppl how many other ppl they’ve dated, they’re like: ‘hm… 6… but joey & rick don’t really count, so 4? oh i forgot, i saw a couple guys after i broke up with roger, but they don’t count either. um, yeah, 4 guys.’

so i thought maybe i’d count the number of times i’ve tried quitting like that also. that way, i’ve only tried to quit 3 times in my life, instead of trying (& failing) every other week.

to make this 4th round of quitting extra-special, i’m quitting sugar at the same time. usually i let myself eat lots of candy when i’m quitting (it seems like a good idea, after reading things like this). but i saw Pony’s quit-sugar goal & thought it might help break the habit.

the no-smoking-no-sugar-eating seems to be working. i can now take little breaks from the nic-fits by fiending for chocolate chip cookies & ice cream. plus, i’m tired w/o sugar & the whole thing feels more relaxed & dull.

foamy is shouty

wtf? smokers are the nicest, most generous ppl in the world! i’ve met so many great ppl by bumming a cigarette or supplying a quitter w/cigs! fkg whiny self-righteous non-smokers who can’t handle a moodswing every now & then.

ugh. ok, i am pathetic when it comes to smoking, but i do keep my nic fits at home. there are just too many delis & other smokers around if i’m fiending at the office.

maybe after this pack is over—this magical, totally different pack of cigarettes

i won’t spend $8 on lunch but i will spend $8 on cigarettes,
smoke 1/3 of the pack,
give the rest away to the doorman who’s also been talking about quitting ever since i met him [has it been 2 years?],
but hang on—lemme first take two cigs out of the pack, i mean it’s the last one, and i should take two, just in case, for an emergency,
& then i smoke them both at the same time since it’s the last one[s] anyway
like the second one is to celebrate the last one. i mean, to remind myself how gross it is.

and all is well, i don’t need the after work cigarette,
those ppl smoking on the street? lame. i’m so glad this is over. yay.

except, maybe 5 hrs later, after dinner,
everything is so much more annoying than it should be,
& i have a huge fight with myself about buying a pack,
decide it’ll be easier to quit tomorrow morning, fresh,
in the meantime, why not smoke & make things better?
stop thinking &
walk to the deli where it’s quiet
spend another $8 on cigarettes
smoke it, feel better, hope that maybe i have magic lungs that won’t get cancer, worry about the bf getting angry, fret about never being able to quit, feel really fkg stupid & think maybe if i put them in the freezer like my coworker did, i won’t want to smoke them
b/c god knows the freezer is really inconvenient to open
& it’s not like she hasn’t been taking smoke breaks again
maybe if i tried zyban again
maybe my dentist won’t tell me that my teeth are gross
maybe i should reread that carr book
etc
etc
etc
smoked three & threw them out again
and so on

i threw out a pack last night & my bf (who hadn’t smoked all week) came home with a new one! this morning we agreed not to smoke around each other. after one last one.

this is dumb dumb dumb.

i like pretending that buying stuff will help me accomplish things. so i bought a couple packs of gum, some cough drops & a running magazine last night. yeah. any day now. the longest was i didn’t smoke at all for was 30 days. i think i’ll go have one now.

i was down to 1 cig a day last week! and then there were these parties over the weekend… one was outdoors. there was a lot of smoking. after that, i was smoking like normal all week. except when the bf was around. he hasn’t been smoking. and now it is the weekend & it will be hard not to smoke all weekend.

i try to quit almost every other weekend, which mostly ruins the weekend. i am really really stupid. or addicted. whatever.