Get through my month off

Maybe that tailspin last week was some kind of premonition.

I got let go this morning. Without being given the chance to live up to the (admittedly vague) expectations of me upon my return, I was told by my boss this morning that he’s thought about it and it would be better if I did not return to work. I’m calmly at my wit’s end about this. I’ll definitely need to move AGAIN, because I can’t afford my apartment anymore. I have no idea where I could possibly find work that might make me happy, let alone be able to pay the bills and support myself, etc. What the hell is the universe trying to tell me?

2012: Worst. Year. Ever.

(And for what it’s worth, I know there are so many people less fortunate than me. I’m trying hard to practice the kind of appreciation that’s the most difficult: appreciating the fantastically bad things that come along in life.)

Edit: I also need to remind myself that there have been some dizzying highs this year. Socially I’ve made more progress than ever, and there’s a person or two who have become very dear to me that I didn’t even really know this time in 2011. So yeah. Positivity and perspective are important here.

I’m really scared for tomorrow.

I’ve been awake for nearly two hours now, worrying about going back to work next week.

I feel like the answer to everything is just to withdraw. My life was much less interesting but also much calmer when I didn’t talk to many people. Just showed up at work, filed my crap, went home. Maybe it’s time to move back in that direction.

Had a few ups and downs over the last week, but the last few days have been generally good. Went out for two breakfasts with friends this week, and K came over for dinner the other day. Conversation was alternately painful, lighthearted and just plain interesting, but it was ultimately productive so things there are looking good I suppose. We’ve both done a lot of growing over the last few months and there’s much more to do.

I’m strangely excited at the moment. It feels like I’m on actual school holidays: 5 weeks off at the end of summer, I’ve found some nice clothes for fall, and when I go back to the office I’ll be in a new physical space. Some people have left since I’ve been off, and there will be some new faces when I get there too. In terms of small pleasures, I got to hang out with work friends today and now I’m having a quiet evening at home with Top Chef Canada on and the smell of chicken stock wafting through my kitchen.

Nervous but generally hopeful today. 9 days to go.

Things have been busier the last little while. I went to Vancouver for coffee with my office’s advisor/life coach guy last week. We had a fantastic chat and I got some homework from him. I also got a lot of support and felt like I was listened to intently. Very productive. I stayed overnight with my sister-in-law before coming home the next day and we had a great evening chatting and watching various funny things on Netflix.

I’ve been to Edmonton. A short visit at less than 4 days, I stayed with my friend, went to his shows, saw my old workmates for a bit, ate tons of delicious food, and generally really enjoyed myself. I need to go back soon, and for a bit longer.

Then today was my birthday. On the heels of a well-executed pub crawl last night, I spent almost the whole day with my brother, sister-in-law and two friends. They spoiled me with their time. We had lunch at A&W (my first whistle dog in decades), played mini-golf, constructed our own cream slushes, snacked on cheese, bread and rainbow-arranged foods for dinner, and then ate the rainbow cake that I spent Friday developing. I had so much fun, and the messages coming from other friends further afield were just fantastic as well.

Not every day can be full of so much awesome, but hopefully I can take a little bit of this feeling with me into every day for the next while.

Today I am in fact unapologetically, incurably, furiously happy.

One who can’t count. I thought I was off for 4 weeks, but it’s 5. I thought I was half done today but I’ve still got 3 more weeks to go.

I hate setbacks.

• Finish the rainbow chair
• Finish the red chair
• Fix the table (glue and reinforce the legs)
• Organize my apartment
• Make peacock earrings
• Finish the painting for the bedroom
• Read What Happy People Know
• Borrow a French novel from A and read it, if he has one
• Have the girls over for Pimm’s on the balcony
• Research retreats for the exec (yes, I want to do a little bit of work)
• Watch 5 movies from the canon
• Fix the zipper on the red cushion
• Do something active as often as possible (gym, jog, walk, etc.)
• Sort through my paper and craft supplies to donate to S
• Keep a list of things that might personalize my office space when I get back
• Make 10 new foods
• Clear out my closet
• Buy the beginner’s book for French horn and start working through it
• Drive to Lake Chelan?
• Cheese night part II
• Be vegan for a week
• Make a batch of mango chutney
• Go to Edmonton for Fringe and awesomefriendtimes

Will add/delete as needed. These should keep me going when I get bored. If I don’t get them all done, it’s no big deal.

...things will be much better.

I’ve started this entry about 4 times now.

Things have been rough since I moved to Victoria. I clashed with the friend who originally hired me, had my position changed five times in my first year, but started to settle down a bit at the end of 2011. Then I realized things weren’t quite right in my relationship, so in April I moved out of our townhouse and got my own apartment. Mood swings abound, but I thought I was making progress. However, as a result I’m now suspended from work for the next four weeks. I found out on Tuesday morning that I wouldn’t be coming back this coming Monday.

I’m incredibly hurt by my boss. I really didn’t have any warning that this was even a possibility. I already took a trip in May that he endorsed, so going somewhere else isn’t really in my budget at the moment. I feel like the people who listen to me think I’m managing ok, but the people who don’t listen think I’m nuts.

I’m incredibly frustrated and deeply embarrassed that finally expressing myself and standing up for myself has turned into this. I used to keep things bottled up and now it feels like that was the right way to go. I thought that moving to Victoria was going to be an amazing experience and that I’d excel, but today it feels like a huge mistake. I’ve got nowhere else to go; I’m almost 29, I’ve really only ever been an admin assistant with no other tangible skills, who is apparently too emotional for people to be around. I’m being dramatic, but this is my only outlet. I feel like purposely making self-destructive decisions just for fun. This probably means that the time off really is needed, but I still feel ambushed by it.

I feel alone. I am alone.