Beat my depression

If I actually thought I was going to be happy.

Maybe… just maybe… i’ll be able to mark this off as done someday.

I feel really really good right now.

but last Wednesday i went to my doctor, and said i’d be getting anti-depressants.

Now my sadness has official proof.

when i was diagnosed with BP at age 9, i was confused, and didn’t know what was wrong with me. i didn’t have a chance to be angry.

Now i do.

but i’m not. I’m almost glad that now medical people will believe me when i say i’m really really sad and upset.

Mark was right when he told me this was a good thing.

Like a candle. I was lit and slowly went out.

I burned out.

I had an okay day, but me and my parents were really fighting, like ALL the time, and it seemed ongoing for me. Wake up, fight, eat, school, fight, 43 Things, fight, fight, sleep. A routine that just annoys me. 43 Things has helped me out a lot lately, but I feel like I need to talk to someone who has the same condition as me face to face. So one night last Tuesday my mom and me were fighting because my dad always complains about how I’m not “open” and I never discuss my feelings and I just about screamed with frustration. It’s really hard for me to write this… but, I basically collapsed and couldn’t deal with the pressure. I just wanted to let go of my life. And run away never to see anyone again. Just me all alone. With nobody to hurt me. But I can’t do that, because I need people. They all love me, but it’s hard for me to act okay. Because I don’t feel that way at all. I know that my family loves me and I love them, but more than most of the time, I don’t feel any love around me. I was happy up until last tuesday and on my birthday I had to pretend I was perfect for my friends and my Grandma.

I HATE THAT!!!

How come I’m the only one in the world? I feel so alone with this even though I know I’m not. I can see plenty of people on 43T and know that i’m not on my own with this, but throughout it all, it does not feel that way for me. I feel like one of those mimes. Trapped in an invisible box. That nobody can see besides me. And I’m trying to find my way out of the box. But it just keeps getting smaller. And smaller. And smaller. And I know that it’s not the case. The whole being on my own with this- but it really feels that way because I am the only one in my family with this issue and definitely the same with my friends. I’m really thriving on all of you to bring me through this now. But I know that you guys can’t. I have to do that. By myself. It’s the only way for me to feel okay in the end… but I’m not even sure if that’s going to happen anymore. I almost want to give up on this, but I can’t. Because I need to demime myself. And get out of this box…

but still- I’ve had a pretty bad week. Just thought i’d share.

I feel so…

_{cold and afraid}

That’s basically how my day went. down up down.

I feel so cold. I tried it again.

The self harm.

Bunch of little marks on the back of my wrist.

Which sucks because now I have to find a sweater during SUMMER.

gosh… the whole depression has been getting worse since i started this goal. Poop.

My dad didn’t say he loved me back.
My mom didn’t get me anything even though I asked.
And my brother is taking my mom’s side again.
I am sorry if this sounds so stupid. I just take all of this very personally. When I say “I love you” i mean it. It’s not a lie. It means that I love you like family or friends or significant other. But my dad didn’t say it back. Mmhmm. That’s what he said like he didn’t care. Well I don’t care anymore!! I just want me to dissappear! I can’t stand this anymore!!! Gah. Everything was going wonderful up until 30 minutes ago. My life sucks so much. And I don’t want to pity myself, I just can’t take everything in all at once. It hurts…

to tell one of my friends. I am so glad I did. She was surprised at first. “You’re always the person that’s so happy.” And that’s just half of my depression. I conceal everything with a smile… But deep down it still hurts. I’m really glad I told her though. I think things’ll get better.

Well you can’t. Because all I have is an avatar. I’m glad you can’t. Because i look HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!! This is so embarassing for me because I’ve never wanted to resort to this, but I wanted to do self harm last night. You read correctly. I wanted to cut myself. But I didn’t. I was too afraid. I don’t want to hurt myself. I just want all the pain to go away! :’(

I think it’s cuz I haven’t been taking my pills lately. Man, I hate when I just cry. I feel like an idiot. I’m sure it’ll stop soon… Until then I am just SOOO mad!