post randomly

She flipped through it before she went home and pointed out an article about knitting. She then encouraged me to take it up and mentioned how people knit things for charity—like the woman in the article.

Although I laughed off her suggestion at first (Me? Knit?), it did get me to thinking. I had just assumed knitting wasn’t “my thing” without even trying it. My creativity centers around writing, singing, and drawing, but that doesn’t prevent me from exploring or developing other interests.

It makes me wonder what else I might like if I gave it a chance.

Between evaluating potential goals and a few incidents this week, I feel pulled in different directions—between what I used to want and what is right for me now and in the future.

Sometimes, dreams come true but they don’t work out the way you hoped they would. The results might be scary or disappointing or even tragic. Then something will trigger your memories and make you wonder if you should try again.

But living in the past and dwelling on memories and regrets won’t allow me to enjoy the present and embrace opportunities in the future. I’ll never be able to think clearly as long as I feel guilt and shame and worry about what “everyone else” thinks. Intuition and others’ advice have their places, but sometimes being rational and leaving emotions out of it is the best solution.

I must learn to let go of what was, love what is, and plan sensibly for someday. The paths I need to take lie somewhere between reality and dreams.

EDIT: I just found this inspiring and relevant quote on a website: “When one door closes, another one opens. But if we keep trying to go back through the old door, we may never notice the new one, which is often much better than the old one.” (Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS)

Last night, Tigger and Max were resting comfortably on my bed while I was on the computer—or so I thought.

Max was asleep, but Tigger started crying loudly. I turned around just in time to see him hurry over to Max and lean over the sleeping dog’s neck with his mouth open! As I shooed him away, I remembered that he used to do this to his feline best friend, Beavis (RIP). Meow, pounce, bite the neck, run away.

I’m not exactly sure what’s going on here. Was Tigger trying to play with Max the way he would with another cat? Species differences aside, they’ve bonded in much the same way that the two cats did…They often nap side by side and I’ve even watched Max groom Tigger, who purred in response.

Please feel free to enlighten me if you can!

A few years ago, I was in an online community about “having enough”—as in valuing what you already hve and not buying anything else unless you really, truly need it. I ended up quitting after awhile because I decided it wasn’t fair to deprive myself of things I didn’t need but wanted and knew I’d enjoy…Things like a new CD from a favorite band or a good book. Still, I learned many valuable lessons from my time there.

I come from a family sharply divided on this issue. My mother, one of my sisters, and my paternal grandmother leaned towards the shopaholic side and my father was always threatening to get rid of the Internet and phones because he thought we “didn’t need them.” I’m not sure about my other sister. I think she’s pretty frugal, but she’s also done some big spending at expensive stores and restaurants.

Where do I fit in? Well, I caught the shopping bug for a few years…I used to come home with or order large stacks of books and CDs. Sometimes months would pass before I got around to going through all of them! I would justify my spending by buying used items whenever possible, so at least I could argue that I got more for my money.

Eventually, though, I realized that it’s more rewarding to make a few thoughtful purchases and enjoy those before buying something else. I’ve also become more aware of the all the wonderful free or cheap experiences this world has to offer and the joy that comes from using and developing my talents.

I know that several of my family members have often used shopping as a way to dull the pain of their general unhappiness. In my case, I think I did it to add a little excitement to what I considered a boring life. Being aware of those tendencies and having a plan to combat them is the first step to not falling into the trap. My plan is to continue buying fewer things and start having more experiences instead.

I want and need a meaningful life. I crave substance and passion and living my values—not material things that I soon tire of. I also want to feed my creativity with new books, music, and movies now and then without guilt. I believe all of this is possible.

I took my new Pug, Max, to the vet today for his recommended after-adoption check up. He was diagnosed with a bacterial yeast infection in his ears and I got some ointment to treat him. He has to return in ten days to see how he’s doing. Also, Dr. K. thinks Max has some allergy problems because I mentioned his obsessive paw licking. Other than that, he’s healthy and in great condition. And he took everything in stride with a wagging tail and a happy-go-lucky attitude—even the ear exam.

Max made friends with every person there (even whining to get the attention of a man waiting at the counter), socialized with a Boston Terrier and a Shih Tzu/Lhasa Apso type, and tried to follow one of the office cats down the hallway. He’s good friends with my cat, Tigger, too. I think Max is what you would call a “social butterfly.” ;)

I’ve only had this dog since Friday morning, but he’s a very important part of my life and family already. I love the little guy so much. Max is awesome!

I have tried several times to post an image under the “Give Brightthunder lots of love and support during her cancer treatments” goal, but all I get in return is the little red x. :( Is anyone else having trouble posting pictures today?

Sorry, Brightthunder. Well wishes and a related picture will be sent as soon as 43 Things decides to cooperate!

Not all of them, but I’m just not clicking with a lot of my animal and nature-related goals the way I used to. :( I’m sure my Pug search has something to do with the burnout, but mostly I think I feel this way because I’m craving excitement. I’m in a rut and I need some big changes in my life in order to shake things up and start feeling alive again.

Nature, to me, means peace and relaxation. Those are good things in moderation, and part of me needs them in order to combat my anxiety. But there’s another side to me that starts getting restless and bored when I have too much of the above. I want to sing, write dark stories, go to concerts, discover new music…I bet there are other things that I would enjoy doing for an adrenalin rush, too. I just need to figure out what they are.

What I need is balance. It would be a big mistake if I cut out all my goals that relate to animals, plants, and nature. I don’t want to abandon something that’s so important to me and my life. No, I believe the answer is adding more goals—the kind of goals that fulfill my desire for adventure.

Before I go any further, I want to thank everyone who replied and/or cheered my last post under this goal. I really and truly appreciate all the advice I’ve received.

But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that adopting a dog from another state would be very difficult for me. See, I don’t have a driver’s license, and I don’t know anyone who has the time and inclination to drive me all the way to the airport. My friends, family, and neighbors either refuse to drive more than ten minutes away from home or are so busy that coordinating a longer trip is difficult.

Having a driving phobia is something I’m deeply ashamed of. Well, not so much the phobia as in not overcoming it by now. I’m twenty-six years old and I’ve driven exactly twice in my life, got my permit in June 2008, and haven’t taken lessons yet. I was actually fine when I drove until my therapist asked me to step on the gas a little bit. As soon as the car sped up, I panicked and pulled my foot off the pedal. I was talking to my mother about this and she thinks my fear might have come from my horseback riding experiences. Maybe so. Just like when I was driving, I got frightened whenever the horse or pony started going faster than a walk. In both cases, I was afraid I’d lose control and a terrible accident would happen.

The difference is, not being able to drive has negatively affected my quality of life. There are so many experiences I’ve missed and goals that remain uncompleted…Even being able to go grocery shopping or take my animals to the vet (without getting a ride—not that I’ve had problems with that in the past) would be an accomplishment. I know that being able to get out and do things will really help with my anxiety and depression, too. And, quite frankly, I’m getting sick of my sisters and neighbor laughing at and berating me for not having my license. It hurts.

I’m going to force myself to do this before my permit expires next June. But I think what I need to focus on right now is improving my self-esteem and confidence. I have to learn how to work through the fear and not give up when I make mistakes or something goes wrong. If I can do this before I take lessons, then I’ll be a much safer and better driver when I do get behind the wheel again.

I was getting my life back together for awhile. I could feel myself getting stronger and more hopeful as I started writing again, sorted through my books and CDs, and made an effort to take better care of myself and work towards my goals. Best of all, I was going to have another Pug in the near future!

I generally don’t like to talk about my adoption attempts on here because they tend to fail in the early stages—no response to my e-mails/phone calls or the dog was already adopted. But it felt different this time. This was the most “real” almost adoption since I tried to go through breed rescue back in spring. I found a very nice dog in the city pound and he was likely going to come home with me on Monday morning if the rescue group didn’t snap him up.

Of course, things didn’t work out in the end. Here’s why: The first woman I talked to gave me some incorrect information yesterday, which led me to believe I couldn’t adopt the dog until Monday. I called today, five minutes after animal control opened, and talked to somebody else. She said the dog had already been adopted and I technically could have paid the fee and filled out paperwork today, then picked him up on Monday after he received his rabies shot.

I spent the rest of the afternoon alternately crying and feeling angry. I think the worst of it is out of my system now—like a big, violent storm that passes quickly and is followed by smaller showers over the next few days.

Maybe it’s time to explore other options. I’m not giving up my twice-daily online Pug search, but my mother has some good ideas. She encouraged me to contact the woman who adopted Regis to me and ask her for help and also to consider adopting a dog of a different breed while I wait for my next Pug to come along. I’m too emotionally drained and exhausted (I only slept about half an hour today) to decide right now, but those are definitely some options I should give serious thought to.

Every time I lose a subscriber (I just lost two over the past day or so), I wonder if I offended them somehow or didn’t post often enough for their liking. But I try not to dwell on why it happened, because there are a lot of possible reasons and I’m not a mind reader.

I still have a lot of close friends here who have stood by me through good and bad and that’s what really matters. You know who you are! Thank you. :D