get over my panic and anxiety disorders

... I had some free time, and I completely cleaned the dishes, which is a big deal for me. Typically, I have weird neuroses about finishing the dishes, but that didn’t stop me this time.

...that’s over. I tried for a while to cut down on one of my meds as an experiment, and drinking grapefruit juice every day. Weird reasoning: I’d heard that grapefruit juice increases the bioavailability of some medications (so they work better, or at least more immediately), and for some reason I thought I could cut back a little and take less of that one med as long as I drank grapefruit juice regularly.

Of course, looking back a month later, I realize this was complete nonsense. Grapefruit juice lowers the effectiveness of some medications, and cutting back on a med without checking with my psychiatrist was not a fantastic idea. Suffice it to say, that little experiment is over.

Everything is pretty keen, at the moment.

... lousy week. I was out of one med for almost a week, which was bad. I had a minor break at the psych, which sucked a little, but it brought up some old memories of depression I’d rather not remember; useful issues to address.

I’m back on my med again, and I should have another supply here pretty soon.

... problem getting my meds; I’ve been out for a few days now, and I can feel the difference.

... getting a full-time job has been one of the big challenges where my anxiety has restricted me. Not being able to work a full-time job is a serious problem for becoming independent, moving out of my parents’ house, making a life for myself, and so on. After a few days of living through this temporary job, I’m feeling slightly more confident about my ability to deal with this.

... I was late to work, and I was shaking from freaking out about it so badly. I was like that the entire time I was at work. It hasn’t continued today, but that’s small consolation for knowing that I will probably lose my job over something really stupid.

I’m applying to Americorps, and they’re asking questions about my motivations and experience with volunteering. I was going into it just to get a job, but I realized something….

I’ve read that my generation has trouble adapting because of self-centeredness, and perhaps that’s part of my problem with anxiety.

I’m too worried about me.

... my counselor, who told me that the “mind trick” I’ve been using makes a lot of sense. He said that many people with anxiety find that it’s a lot less powerful when they stop interpreting it and are able to just experience it and let it be what it is: physiological arousal (not in the sexual sense).

Back of the magazine: guy who’s directing the new Terminator movie (the one with the uber Christian Bale) used to suffer horribly from panic attacks.

He says: “You have to go back to the bat cave, face the bats, and let them wash over you so you can become a bat.”

I’m having some amazing short-term success with this sort of… mind trick. I imagine the fear expressing within me and spreading through me.

.... ‘Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe.’ It’s actually pretty heavy reading, despite the informal title.