find out if he's cheating

Well, I went to the attorney yesterday. I feel sooooo much better now.

Worst case scenario, he files for divorce and interim custody, files a restraining order and gets me kicked out of the house. My lawyer said the longest that would go on would be 10 days. Then we’d see a judge.

And most likely, the judge would reverse everything, giving me custody and the house. Because judges don’t like children being used as pawns.

Second worse case scenario, we get going with the whole divorce thing and I end up with half of everything and shared custody.

More likely scenario, I get half of everything, the house until my son is 18yo, and full custody with visitation for dad. And child support and alimony until I’m done with school.

So, I feel a million times better. I’m a very “big picture” kind of person. I need to have all the options and possibilities laid out for me. So this was very comforting.

1. I always thought that whoever filed first got the best stuff. Not so. They may have everything for a few weeks until it gets to a judge. Then things will change.
2. I was worried about being able to afford attorney’s fees, because his parents are loaded and will bring out the big guns for him. The sharks. My lawyer has been a family friend for many years, and said not to worry about it. He’ll make sure I can afford it. Not that it won’t be expensive. It’s possible that he would have to pay my attorney fees.

Because I live in a no-fault state, the infidelity won’t play a role in the actual divorce. We’ll negotiate with his lawyer to get what we want. Then, at the end, if he balks at something, like the house or what not, we’ll say “ok, let’s go to trial. Oh, and by the way, we have X Y and Z (all the receipts, pics, etc).” And he’ll probably back down.

• Continue gathering my evidence.
• At some point in the near future, I’ll confront him.
• What happens after that is anyone’s guess.

My lawyer also gave me advice on documenting our assets, told me to get a job, save money, get my own accts, a safe deposit box, and maybe a counselor.

I broke down last night, started balling and the whole bit. Every time he says something mean to me, I just want to scream @ him, “I KNOW YOUR CHEATING.”

But, I didn’t tell him. Waiting till I see the lawyer to figure out where to go from here.

Last night, he says to me, “You turn me down 99.9% of the time for sex.” WHAT????? It is so not like that. I’ll admit to having issues in the sex dept, but I’ve mostly worked through that.

For instance, I was abused.

And I grew up in a very restrictive environment. Sex was not discussed. So I had to work through those issues.

I also have self esteem issues. I’m fat, ugly, zits, etc

The other thing he doesn’t realize is that it’s hard to get turned on when he calls me all day and is mean, or when he walks into the house like a bull. Yelling, bitching, etc. Until it’s time for bed, then it’s “let’s have sex.” Sorry, doesn’t work like that.

I feel like a sister to him. A domestic partner, but not a lover. He’s just not that interested in me.

And the thing is, now I feel like the affair he’s having is my fault.

But really, if he thought we were having issues in the bedroom, wouldn’t it behoove him to tell me?????

• Find out the status of their relationship. Is this a fling? Or is he planning on leaving me for her?
• When or if do I tell him I know?
• Decide what to do. There are only three options here. I leave him, he leaves me, or we stay together.

I love him, but don’t know that I can forgive this. On the other hand, I’ve built my life with this cheating, lying, whore.

I guess I’m at an age-old decision. Ignore it for convenience. Confront him and bear out the consequences, whatever they may be.

It just really pisses me off, because we were talking about this the other day. There’s quite a lot of cheating in our town. I said something to him about how affairs ruin lives. Not just the adults, but also the kids. You know what he said?!

This takes balls…”I think me being from a broken home really helped me, cuz I know what it’s like to grow up without a dad, and I would never want that to happen to (child).”

Big, fucking, huge kahonnies, right?! Fucking hypocrite.

I have a quick exit plan in case I have to leave. I doubt it will come to that. My only other concern is if he leaves me, before I’m ready. I mean, if I confront him and he leaves, whatever. But if he just up and leaves me now, I’m going to be in huge trouble.

So, I need to work on that. Like I said earlier, I have an appointment with my family lawyer on Thursday.

I found the hard evidence I needed. I saw a debit on the checking account that I didn’t understand. I had a feeling it was for a hotel room, so I called the bank. They couldn’t tell me anything else about the charge, so I waited till he balanced the checkbook and when he was sleeping, I looked in it.

Surprise! All he wrote was POS Debit. Very unusual for him. He always explains the debits in the check register. So, I started looking around the office.

Underneath a book, I found a receipt for the Super 8. Checked in under his dad’s name, and paid cash. Even more surprising, this was for a date a month and a half ago. I didn’t even suspect it then.

So, I’m waiting for the bank statement at the end of May. More details will be on the statement. And I’m 99% sure, it’s another Super 8 stop.

He left again today, telling me he probably won’t be back until the weekend. Hmmm….More love @ the Super 8? Maybe I’ll try to catch him. I should go there and tell her hubby too.

I’ve been feeling so depressed the last few days, mostly because he’s been home. When he’s gone, it’s not so bad. So I started taking St.John’s Wort again, hoping it will even out my moods. If this doesn’t work, I’ll have to see a doc.

However, I called my lawyer today. Yay! Feeling very empowered because of that. I have an appt on Thursday.

1. no suspicion
   He needs to have enough of the proverbial rope to hang himself with. Though this is really hard. I’m repulsed by him. I just want to confront him. But the time is not yet right.
2. gather evidence
   I’m doing this through a variety of different ways that I won’t detail here, because it’s actually quite boring.
3. be the best wife and mother possible
   Carry on with the cleaning and activities and so forth. Part of being un-suspicious. Also, if it comes to court, I don’t want him to be able to say…she doesn’t clean, etc, she’s a bad mom, I should get the kid. Selfish, yes.
4. gather all documents that are important
   Money, business, household expenses.
5. save money
   I have my own checking acct and credit card. I need to pay off the card to start building credit. And squirrel away as much money as I can.
6. get hot and skinny
   Great revenge to be hot and skinny. I’m not trying to say I’m a supermodel, cuz I’m NOT, but I am reasonably cute. She’s a dog. But she’s a skinny dog.
7. continue with my education
   Because that’s when this will all end. When I’m through school and can support myself and child.
8. get a job
   Even parttime. To save money. It’s going to be very tough though, because he’s self-employed and I do all the paperwork.

Last night, I got up after he was sleeping and checked his cell. In the drafts is the msg “in the mood 4 a quicky”, to her of course, not me. WTF?????

It’s really strange how this is working out. Everytime I make a discovery, I always think to myself, yeah, he’s really cheating on me. But when I make a new discovery, I’m just stunned. What? He’s cheating on me? I think I’m in denial.

I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m making a plan that I’ll post in a different entry.

I’m really worried about a divorce for several reasons. His family has a ton more money than me. And while his mom may side with me, his dad, who has most of the money, cheated on his mom and left her for the mistress. So, he’ll probably be perfectly ok with his behavior.

I have no job. I’m in school right now, so that will be solved in 15 months. If I can just hang on.

And he’s likely to fight for custody which comes back to deeper pockets. Unless he leaves me for her. Allegedly, she and her husband can’t or don’t want kids. Although he mentioned to me the other day that she may want kids now. Which makes me think she’s after him for the longterm. Maybe they have some sick little fantasy where they live together with my child as a happy little family…over my dead body, BITCH.

Either that, OR she’s trying to get prego with him. That would actually be the best case scenario if he’s going to leave me to be with her. Then they can have their own kid and leave mine alone.

I don’t think that’s likely to happen though. He already has a daughter he doesn’t see much and pays child support for.

He is such a man-whore.

My life was not supposed to turn out like this.

I did not want to end up being one of those bitter, old, divorced manhaters. I’m embarrassed to admit that a few weeks ago I was talking to a few friends that are divorced, and I felt a little superiority or smugness. That will never happen to me.

Ouch, the universe packs a pretty mean punch.

Somehow, unless something significant comes to light, I’ve got myself a membership in the Manhaters Anon club. I mean, I’m not jumping to conclusions. I’m getting solid evidence first. But I really feel violated, my trust has been shattered. I suppose that’s the thing about blind trust. You never see the betrayal coming.

Trust, but verify.

I feel soooooo stupid. He’s been txting her since at least December. And if I hadn’t stumbled across a few txts, I would never know.

I thought we were fine….

I am. I’m functioning, but everything has become about this. I can’t sleep, I’m smoking too much, my nails are chewed to death.

I do think that I have finally figured out what my next steps are, so that makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something.

I’m really moody about this. One minute, I’m livid with anger, then I’m doubtful that it is happening, then I’m so heartbroken I could just cry. I feel like I’ve been stuck on a rollercoaster for 2 weeks. I still can’t believe he would do this.

Idk if I’m just paranoid or more tuned in to how he’s acting, but yesterday I went to meet him for dinner. He wasn’t affectionate with me, kissing me on the cheek…WTF? I’m not your mother! He never does that. Just very distant acting. He got home Sun, left Mon, saw him Tue but he didn’t come home, and now it looks like Wed-Fri he won’t be home either.

I feel like he’s annoyed with me, even though I have never been nicer to him. Maybe he’s comparing me to her. Maybe he’s repulsed by me. I’m trying really hard to be a good wife. Partly, because I want him to feel safe until I figure out what to do. I think the other reason is more sick. I’m trying to win him back. I’m ashamed to admit that. Because, if he’s cheating, I don’t want him. But I still feel like maybe he…Idk, maybe if I were better @ x,y, or z. Maybe if I were skinnier. WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON’T????????

Not sure what to make of all these things.

i know i already wrote about this today, but i can’t help it. as i already said, no one know’s about this except sis. IT IS KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!

i’m so hurt. and i don’t have the solid evidence that i need to confront him…yet. but i will. and it will be ugly when i do. i feel so, i don’t know what the word is, but, made the fool of is close.

humiliated.

i trusted him. and he’s out there sticking it to some skanky ho bag. BITCH. i’d love to catch them in the act. her, i don’t really care about. but to see the look on his face…priceless. she’s married too. i wonder if her hubby would be curious to know what she’s been up to? not that i’m going that route. but, it would be interesting.

the hardest things about this are maintaining the status quo with him…sleeping with him even though i think he’s been hoeing around, acting like nothing is wrong. and it’s tough not to have anyone to talk to about this. i mean, i can call my sis, but i hate to monopolize the convo with traitorous hubby talk.

so, this has been very theraputic for me, writing on here. thank you 43t. i feel like i can let all the emotions out, and that helps, even if no one listens.

I’m really freaked out about this right now. It’s so all-consuming that I’m finding it hard to concentrate on anything else or make decisions about anything (not just my marriage). I think I’m still in shock. The other problem is that I haven’t really told anyone about it but my sis. I mentioned it to my mother, but only in a hypothetical situation. I’m thinking about telling my bro, cuz I might need a loan to do a little investigation. I checked his other phone on Sunday and he’s been txting her since at least December. Also on Sunday, his timeline doesn’t match up.

• he put gas in at town A at 10:08a
• town A to home is 232 miles=4 hours approx so he should have been home at 2p
• he erased his inbox but not outbox. txt from him to her at 12:17 saying almost to town B
• his next text to her says simply “home” i’d like to think she’s asking him where he’s going, but I really think she’s asking where he wants to go with her.
• he doesn’t arrive home until after 4p
• he makes it a point to ask if I called earlier, because his “phone was dead for a few hours”...WTF????? he has a charger in his vehicle. of course, i didn’t point that out.
• he smelled funny
• he didn’t want to have sex that night, even though he had been gone for a few days, and kept complaining about being tired.
• there were other random txts while he was gone, some that were a little racy.

So, I’m on the trail and it is heartbreaking. But more than an unbroken heart, I need the truth. On Sunday, after I snuck onto his phone and found all this stuff, I was shaking like a leaf. Almost started balling. But I called my sis and settled down. I just needed someone to tell me I would be okay. Investigations will continue….