Upgrade myself

I have some sort of phone phobia. Talking on the phone, especially calling to strangers horrifies me. It makes a life bit hard cos rather than call I send emails (I have to wait for an answer) or go to see in person (takes time). It’s silly too how I feel so anxious about something like that.

For my job, I got task to call several people. I pushed it forward to future cos I didn’t want to do it. It made me really nervous and anxious when I thought that I had to do it. But today I had to made the calls. And you know what! It wasn’t that bad. It felt good that I managed to do something that I hate so much.

I know this might feel silly for some most of you, but for me it was a big deal. Me on the work time is different than the me on the free time, and the work me can do things that I normally don’t dare so much. I wish I would have the same kind of courage on free time as well.

Yeah, I guess I can have the courage. I can be brave. And I will be brave. I want to step out from my comfort zone more often. Even though the thoughts of doing something that I don’t like makes me feel ill, the feeling I get afterwards is great!

and even thought I knew it myself, I didn’t quite admitted it to myself. I know that I could do better, so why it’s so hard? Yesterday’s argument with boyfriend made me realize that I indeed need to correct my actions. I can’t go on like this. And I will prove him, myself and everyone in the world that I can do it.

• Do pilates (already done)
• Do laundry (machine is running)
• Clean up
• Write that motivation letter and full the application letter
• Go grocery shopping + cook
• Study Spanish (I’ve had that improve my Spanish on my goal list forever, so now that I have time, I really should start doing it)
• Spend less time in the net

And from now, I will do pilates/yoga every morning. No more slacking around!

and I am sorry about that. I am just a human and I make mistakes. Can you just give me a break already? I feel bad enough.

I just fall back to my old bad habits. I might be the fucking stupidest person ever. :(

I want to be a better person. Why it is so hard?

It looks like I have lost a bit more than 2 kg since last time I weighted myself! At least if I believe that scale. There’s still lot to lose to get me there where I was…

After I posted that Personality type question, I have been quite interested about finding and understanding myself better. I did several test and always got ENFP and the descriptions really suits me. Like from here I found stuff that I can relate really easily.

Hmm yes. I need to give more thoughs to this…

Last night I just couldn’t get sleep. I was thinking too much about the forthcoming summer. Honestly, I hate that Antti is going to the States. But he is going. It’s a fact that I cannot change. I have to understand that. And now I have to choices: either suck into the negative thoughts and worry whole summer or use that time to evolve myself and do things that I enjoy. I chose being positive. Last night I made a list that will help be get trough this summer and surprisingly seeing that list made me actually want to see how it will work. It made me actually look forward the summer. But the negative feelings area haunting me. I have tried to get rid of them, but I think the only thing that will help is to talk about them with Antti. Even though I know most of the thoughts are irrational and stupid. But I think in good relationship you need to talk about negative things as well. And I know Antti can make them go away from my mind.

But yeah, here’s my list that I made last night:
1)Being strong: I can survive alone. I need to stick with the plan. Keeping eyes on the prize
2)Exercise: Well I need to get in shape. Also exercise releases endorphins that makes happy. Oh and I can’t wait for the good weathers! I can start running and do long bicycling routes.
3)Listing positive things: everyday. There’s always something in everyday that is positive.
4)Loving myself: I have time to think who I am and what makes me me.
5)Meditating
6)Learning new things and maintaining what I already know
7)Reading: The school should be over for good and I finally will have time to finish all those books! And I will have time to read some classics that I have wanted to read so long, like Darwins Origin of Species
8)Writing: It’s still my number one way to get things out of my mind. And since I cannot talk with Antti (that much), I will put my things on the paper. Also I would love if I have time to write something fictional!
10)Friends: last thing on my list but not least! I (hopefully) have time to spend time with my friends. And maybe we finally make that trip to Stockholm that we have planed for so long!

These things actually shouldn’t end after summer either. They should be something I will keep doing rest of my life too.

3 months aren’t actually that long time. And in the fall, we hopefully will get our own home and see each others way too much. But I really wouldn’t want to be this long apart. It’s breaking my heart.

I’ve never had troubles with my weight. Not until this past year. I got the birth control, the implant, a year ago. It’s been really worth all the money ;), but the side effect is that I have gained a weight. And disturbing lot. And I can see the change and I don’t much like it. I don’t know how long the weight will go up, or is it only the side effect. But I think I should be able to do something about it. And that is exercise more.

It will take a lot of patience and I am not sure am I able to do that. But I really need to. I’m not happy how I look… I haven’t been in awhile. _{I hate my belly and I hate my tights.}

that I have lost some weight. Not because I would done a lot of exercise, but cos I haven’t eaten that well for the past two weeks. I have wanted to lost a bit weight, but probably not like this. I want to get in shape by doing some exercise and I want to eat healthy and well.

About the exercise, there’s new things coming this fall and I feel excited about them! Tomorrow I will go try Shorinji Kempo :) And in couple of weeks I start kick boxing! But I should start doing something at home as well.

I am so stubborn person. I like to do things my way, and I don’t like when people comes to say me that my way is wrong etc. and do this and this way. Especially if that “advice” is said by someone who doesn’t have enough authority to me. This doesn’t mean I am not listening the advice or even not applying it, but I get highly irritated or even angry. In some cases…

I’m not giving up my stubbornness, cos I don’t think it’s necessary a bad feature. It gives a strength to be yourself and believe in yourself. It gives a strength to go your own way and not wait what other says about it. It is part of who I am. BUT I should learn to control my anger/or what ever it is when someone is giving me advice. I know they don’t mean it bad way (at least most of the time) and they just want to help me. And I should learn to accept the help I am given even I wasn’t asking it. If I every time get upset when someone advices me, they eventually stop giving me advices. And that would be such a shame since I can learn so much from other people. And I want to learn.

I need to learn to listen people, understand their agendas, control my feelings and not take everything that way they are putting me down. How to keep ones pride but be humble at the same time? Next time someone comes and tells me their way to do things are better way to do than my way, I will swallow that ugly feeling, listen them and see if they are right. Their way to do something doesn’t always work for me, but I can maybe learn something new that I can adjust to my way to do it and thus improve it what ever it is.