Neko is doing 29 things including…

Improve my self-esteem

91 cheers

 

Neko has written 16 entries about this goal

I check this as done

since I truly feel that I have gotten my self confidence back. I am more happy about myself nowadays and I don’t feel that my life is pointless. I believe in myself. I am me. And I like who I am. I am not perfect and I have my faults. But I recognize them and accept them. I don’t think about what people think about me. I don’t fear to live my life as I want.



I don't feel very good about myself right now

I am not sure does this go under this goal, but since I have big troubles believing in myself right now, I think this might be a right place.

Yesterday I got a bunch rejection letters from jobs again. It’s hard to believe in yourself when nobody else believes in you either. I feel that I am loser. I try to fight this very oppressing feeling, but it just makes me want to cry. How could I stay optimistic? Where can I find believe in me when it doesn’t seem to pay off? I want this so bad. Why can’t things start to work out already for me, not against me? This job applying process isn’t doing any good for my self-esteem.



Needs a bit boost

I’m good enough. I’s superb. I’m great. I’m amazing. I’m beautiful. I’m smart. I’m sexy. I’m fantastic…

I’m sorry if someone gets mad about my self centric talking, but I need to lie tell myself about some stories facts about myself.



Lovable (?)

I’m really kind person. I never want to hurt anyone by purpose. I want to understand other people. When someone else is in pain or sad, I want to help them feel better. I have lots of empathy in me.

I’m smart. I have something else in my head than sawdust. I’m able to think deep thoughts and learn new things. I want to understand how this world work and make it a better place. I can be witty and funny. Sometimes I am a bit goofy, but it’s ok. I can make other people laugh. I can laugh at myself too. I don’t want to take the life too seriously. I don’t always make smart decisions.

Sometimes I get mad. But I stay rarely mad long. I can forgive and ask forgiveness. I understand that making mistakes isn’t wrong, they make us who we are. I do take thing sometimes too personally, but it’s hard for me to see things objectively. We are not gods, we are humans. We cannot see the world too objectively. There’s always subject involved.

My heart is full of love. And I simply cannot see a life without love. It’s important to me feel loved. Love gives me power and once loved, I am able to give it back multiple times stronger. I understand that my love might be too overwhelming for some people, and it’s sometimes overwhelming for myself too.

I’m really emotional person. And sometimes too naive. I want to see good things in everyone, everything. I get lost in my daydreams and then fall back to reality, which hurts. It’s easier when someone catches me. But eventually I am like a cat, I fall on my feet.

I’m stubborn. When someone says to me that you are not able to do this or that, it makes me to try even harder. I’m not always good taking advise from other people, but it doesn’t mean that I didn’t hear them. For some reason, I don’t want to do all things same way as others. I want to fight the authorities and make my own rules. I want adventures in my life and constant change. I don’t want things get too regular. Even though I sometimes grave for easy and simple life, getting a life like that means like giving up. And I don’t like to give up.

I want to look strong outside. And be independent. But those who knows me the best, knows that deeply in my heart, I need other people. I don’t like being alone too long periods. I like meeting new people and spend time with my old friends. I start talking to myself, if I am alone too much. I need a person who will support and love me, no matter what, a partner in crime to fight the world together. But I need my space and other peoples too. I like to get me-time, but like I said, I don’t like being lonely.

I’m not ugly. Far from it. I have bad days when I don’t like how I look, but most of the time, I do find myself attractive. Look is important for me. It doesn’t mean that I spend hours in front of the mirror. Actually I use rarely make-up. And when I do, it’s quite minimal. But I like beautiful people and it’s important for me to feel pretty. I also like compliments about my look.

I’m quite physical and sexual person. Touches, kisses, hugs and sex are important for me. If I don’t get physical affection, I get cranky. I’m always up to try new things and I want to keep sexual life interesting. “The same old” would get me bored and loose my interest soon.

All these things and many more makes me who I am. They make me special and unique. Even though I might not be always easy to love, I think I am still lovable.



So

I don’t feel that good about myself right now. I wish I had a magic wand to fix everything. But I know it’s not that easy. I have also noticed that I have lately started to build a shield around me. Just to be sure. But I don’t want that. I don’t want to go back where I was few years ago. I am generally happy and funny person, but when I have that shield on, I am not fun to be around. I guess my biggest insecurity is not being wanted, and with that shield, it makes me that kind of person. So it’s not really protecting me, quite opposite. I guess I am just scared. And when it gets too far, it will crush me and I stop living. I just become an empty shell.

So what I can do? First of all, I need to understand that I am not a bad person. Second I need to start writing my thoughts down. When I see the words out of my head, they look more clear and I can handle them better. Third, with a little steps I can improve my self-esteem and things that I am not happy with my life. I also need to understand that nobody else can do this for me, I need to do it myself. Sure it helps if there is people around me supporting me. I need around me people who believe in me.



Insecurity about myself

I think I still have lots of work to do in this.



Untitled

One of my biggest fears and insecurities is that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I was quite lonely child (even though I have siblings, but they were older than me) and I was lonely teenager. I don’t want to be lonely as adult. This insecurity pops up it’s head every now and then. Even though I now have friends in my life and a boyfriend, I sometimes questioning them; what they want from me and how they can and why they like me. And I am afraid that someday they just say; that’s it, enough! and I will be alone again. I don’t mind being alone sometimes. But being totally alone in this big world, scares the hell out of me. I’ve been wondering do I determine myself trough other people, and I think that I do. Everyone who I interact with, affects me somehow. I could never be a hermit. It would drive me insane.



Pilvettömien päivien päiväkirja

Last night I found this notebook I planed to use as my journal where I write feelings and thoughts about this subject. I had totally forgotten it, but last night I wrote something there. And I think I try to make it a habit to write there more often.



I feel

pretty good about myself today. Well about my look at least. I have been having a little problems about myself image lately and I haven’t felt this good about myself for awhile :) So it’s good :)



Note for myself

You can and you will. And you deserve it.



Neko has gotten 91 cheers on this goal.

 

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