Improve my self-esteem

I think I still have lots of work to do in this.

One of my biggest fears and insecurities is that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I was quite lonely child (even though I have siblings, but they were older than me) and I was lonely teenager. I don’t want to be lonely as adult. This insecurity pops up it’s head every now and then. Even though I now have friends in my life and a boyfriend, I sometimes questioning them; what they want from me and how they can and why they like me. And I am afraid that someday they just say; that’s it, enough! and I will be alone again. I don’t mind being alone sometimes. But being totally alone in this big world, scares the hell out of me. I’ve been wondering do I determine myself trough other people, and I think that I do. Everyone who I interact with, affects me somehow. I could never be a hermit. It would drive me insane.

Last night I found this notebook I planed to use as my journal where I write feelings and thoughts about this subject. I had totally forgotten it, but last night I wrote something there. And I think I try to make it a habit to write there more often.

pretty good about myself today. Well about my look at least. I have been having a little problems about myself image lately and I haven’t felt this good about myself for awhile :) So it’s good :)

You can and you will. And you deserve it.

I’m again putting myself down. I feel that I am not good enough. Pretty enough. Nothing enough. It’s nonsense. I know.

I better go to school now…

In the past two weeks I only had two bad days (well I had one bad day more, but that was bad day only cos I had drank too much last night). One bad day per week, isn’t that bad, but I really wouln’t want to have bad days cos of low self esteem. I’m also afraid that going back to normal after such a nice holiday might cause some problems. But I shouldn’t think about it too much beforehand and I should try to be positive about it. Luckily I have so much school that all my free time goes to that and I probably won’t have that much time to wonder about myself.

I didn’t feel that good this morning and in the noon. I don’t know why, but something just wasn’t right. I didn’t like myself. I guess I am alright now. I feel better and things aren’t that bad. I guess I just needed a bit of loving.

_{I just wish that other peoples doings wouldn’t affect me that much. Not in the bad and not in the good. Of course it’s nice if someone else can make me smile, but I need to be able to put that smile to my face by myself as well. I cannot always relay to other people.}

I am not the ugliest thing out there. I am some what intelligent. I have good heart and I’m never mean to anyone on purpose. I’m funny and I can make people laugh. People enjoy my company. I have friends. I have boyfriend. I have family. And all of them like me. I should like myself me too. Most of the days I do like. But then there are days that when I look at the mirror, I cannot recognize that person. I don’t like what I see. It’s not only about the look. It’s what’s on my mind. My thoughts. My self image.

What I am afraid of? I’m a nice girl, right?

I have to stop thinking that I am not good enough. I deserve to be loved and love. I have all my rights to exist. I’m not perfect, I probably never will be. But I will try my best to improve myself and get rid of the things that I don’t like. I’m not changing anything for someone else. I change only the things that I want to change and if someone isn’t happy with who I am, then it’s not my problem.

I want people around me who accept me as the way I am and will support me when I try to be that person I know I am and want to be. If they walk away, they don’t really deserve me and I shouldn’t feel bad cos they left.